The last few weeks have been hard. And I've been struggling with feeling alone. In this little bitty apartment with 5 people living in it, I'm always surrounded by people. Somehow, though, I just feel so alone.
Even with Stace, even when I know I can be absolutely, brutally honest, I feel this disconnect. I feel so distant from everyone, so incapable of connecting with her, with anyone. And it's so lonely. I've spent hours in the last few days in prayer, trying to focus on others, on what I could bring to God on others' behalves instead of my own. And today, finally I just broke down and started talking about me. I prayed and prayed to be delivered. He's brought me through so much already, and these newest hurdles are no different.
Do they hurt? Absolutely. Do I feel crippled by panic and fear? You Bet. But that doesn't mean that God is incapable of bringing me through it. So I lean on Him to lead me. And I know that means some hard stuff is coming. I can't just expect Him to plant me on the other side of it, and I know getting there will suck. But I know He can take me there. I know He will take me there.
Often in times of severe distress I go to Psalm 69. I'll never forget the first time I read the words... they screamed at my heart, and my heart screamed them to God.
"Save me, O God! For the waters have come up to my neck.
I sink in deep mire, where there is no foothold;
I have come into deep waters, and the flood sweeps over me.
I am weary with my crying out; my throat is parched.
My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God."
"Deliver me from sinking in the mire;
let me delivered from my enemies and from the deep waters.
Let not the flood sweep over me, or the deep swallow me up, or the pit close it's mouth over me.
Answer me, O Lord, for your steadfast love is good;
according to your abundant mercy, turn to me.
Hide not your face from your servant;
for I am in distress; make haste to answer me.
Draw near to my soul, redeem me;
ransom me because of my enemies!"
I pulled open my Bible earlier and just let it fall open and started reading. I don't do this very often, but sometimes I just don't know where to go or what to study so I just start somewhere. This day, however, it was eye opening.
"I lift up my eyes to the hills, From where does my help come?
My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot be moved, he who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right.
The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life.
The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore."
He will not leave me. He will protect me. He will protect my LIFE. He will watch me while I sleep, while I'm coming and going, he will not let me fall or be hurt. He loves me. He is my protector, and he will get me through this.
I'm a wife. I'm a mom. I'm a photographer. I'm a lover of Jesus. My house is a mess, my kids are dirty, we eat take out more often than not. My life is loud, busy and crazy. And that's okay with me.
This is Eric, the man you've been praying for. He's a paramedic. He quilts in his spare time. No, I couldn't make that up :) He has NASH (a form of liver disease, non-alcoholic) and diabetes, but those things don't define him. He's a man of God, an insanely wonderful husband, and the best daddy in the world.. Just ask these guys..
Our daughter Ali, she's 9. She's fiercely opinionated and strong willed. She's a Daddy's girl, but the umbilical cord hasn't but cut from me, either. She's a gymnast, and proud of it. She spends more time upside down or turning flips than she does walking. She's crazy smart, and absolutely sure of it. She is my insufferable little know it all.
Our son Dylan, 7. We lovingly refer to him as Chubs. Or Chubby. Or fat boy. Ahem. He is all boy, as you can see by his crazy wild energy. He has the highest pain tolerance of any child I have ever met. He plays soccer and does gymnastics, but truly he is a gamer, a nerd. He is an avid reader and loves to climb. Not to be outdone by his sister, he's a drama king, but to him, I'm the best mommy in the world.
I'm here to use my voice. So many people can't. In a world of darkness, I just want to help God's light to shine through. I pray that my words are His, and my love is His, as well. This is my journey through the darkness. To start are the beginning of the story, click here.