tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-64656943703299424002024-02-07T18:38:47.325-08:00Through The DarknessCourtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16098775489846879005noreply@blogger.comBlogger345125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6465694370329942400.post-68563268473256152912016-05-11T11:04:00.000-07:002016-05-11T11:04:12.962-07:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It's been 5 years since I've worked hard on Love Something Chronic. I don't even know how many years it's been since I blogged. I probably won't even start blogging regularly, at least not here. But I know that were people at one time who listened to my voice. So here I am.<br />
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I worked so hard to make LSC work. It felt good, it kept me going in the hardest of times, to have something positive to focus on. And then life got better. I got better. I started to heal and in that process I lost the motivation to keep up the good work. But now I am strong. I am fearless. And I want to be a change in the world. I want to make a difference. And I want to continue to teach my children about giving and selflessness and true love. I want to be Jesus to a community of people who might not ever otherwise encounter him.<br />
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But I need help.<br />
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I need to spread the word, really. I need donations. I need HELP. So I'm here, at this ancient blog that maybe some people will dare to open up because I know in my heart that my readers were wonderful, loving people. And who knows, maybe doors will open wide and together we can change the world!<br />
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I posted yesterday on Love Something Chronic's blog, and instead of retyping it all, I'll just leave a link <a href="https://lovesomethingchronic.wordpress.com/2016/05/10/when-all-else-fails/" target="_blank">here</a>. My goal is, for now, to provide the basic supplies that a shelter needs to run on. Toiletries, cleaning products, baby supplies, etc.<br />
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I can absolutely use all of the help I can get, and if you feel moved to help you can leave a comment on this post, email me at lovesomethingchronic@gmail,com or find us on facebook <a href="https://www.facebook.com/Love-Something-Chronic-163565737035728/?fref=ts" target="_blank">here</a>! If you can't help with donations then please feel free to spread the word. I can't do it all on my own, but maybe together we can make a difference!<br />
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CourtCourtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16098775489846879005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6465694370329942400.post-22629779508108064752015-03-07T00:10:00.000-08:002015-03-07T00:11:05.223-08:00MeI find myself wanting to be "out there." Whatever that means. I'm spending a little more time on social media, having returned to the twiterverse, and I've been taught the ins and outs of instagram thanks to my beautiful mini-me. I started another blog that I share with my facebook friends and family but I find myself editing myself there. I'm not really sure what I feel about that. Apparently as open as I *think* I am, I am not. I still have these two sides, and while I feel like I'm am more in tune with who I am, (and this, this blog, this personality, this person, is who I am) I'm not sure anyone else it. This is the place where I can say whatever and be whoever and not worry about anything and so here I am saying it. But I'm hiding from the people I know in real life. And why?!<br />
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Am I really afraid that they wouldn't love me for me? I mean, really, who am I anyway. I think there are a few people in my real life that I could share this blog with and feel comfortable with it. But I think I'm less afraid of them not loving me and just more that I'm sheltering myself from any judgement because I don't want to deal with the bs. I guess that's not really who I claim to be, though. I claim to be fearless. Maybe some day when I'm not putting everyone else's emotional needs above my own I can truly be who I really am. I can just say to anyone and everyone listening that hey I was abused and this is the person who did it and I've pretty much forgiven him and on 2/3 of the days of the year we can have conversations in the same room and be fine so really you probably should forgive him too but I know you probably won't and that's fine too, but hey this is how it is<br />
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And this is who I am. I like to wear black and I like rock music, but also my daughter has dragged me into the top 40 charts. I love Pentatonix and Lindsey Stirling and reality shows like xfactor and american idol are my crack. I like to draw though I'm no good, and I'm a fantastic photographer if I could get the motivation to get off the couch and do it. I love to sing but am not a good singer. But I love to sing, man I love to sing. Music makes my heart so happy. <br />
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I LOVE to laugh and I'm sarcastic to a fault. I love DEEPLY. Probably too deeply. Way too deeply sometimes. I love Jesus. I claim to be a Christian but I am failing at it right now. I fear I've ruined my children and I say a lot of words that I shouldn't. That's a habit I'm trying to break. Again. I don't know the last time I picked up my Bible and we've gone from the family never misses services to the family who gets those passive aggressive "missed you this morning" texts from elder's wives when we don't show up again. I'm trying to get things under control. I am. <br />
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I have chiari and I'm bi-polar as crap. I take my medication but sometimes it isn't enough. I obviously have PTSD and my life is not simple. But it's so much better than it's ever been before. I'm 31 and I feel as though I'm just at the very beginning of things. I'm so okay with that.<br />
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I connect really deeply with characters in books and TV shows. There's one that genuinely won't ever go away. No I'm not telling you what character it is. I feel like enough of a nerd. Maybe I'll tell you in private :D<br />
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I keep finding myself wanting to stand up and say hey this is me and I want to change the world. I want to do big great wonderful things and I can't because I just can't quite cross over the threshold of putting all of me out there to everyone. So here I am. Again.<br />
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I really need to grow a pair.<br />
<br />Courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16098775489846879005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6465694370329942400.post-87001685322000268202014-02-04T16:50:00.002-08:002014-02-04T16:59:06.930-08:00Ali's First Meet<div style="text-align: center;">
A post in pictures, that should have been posted in OCTOBER of Ali's very first real gymnastics meet in which she took gold on all four events and won the all around award for her age division. Yeah, I'm a loser.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Marching in</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Getting her golds</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">With her all around trophy</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The four of us :)</td></tr>
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Courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16098775489846879005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6465694370329942400.post-42599800077753700502014-02-04T16:43:00.004-08:002014-02-04T16:43:53.751-08:00She's Making Progress<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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We saw the orthopedic surgeon today and it was pretty good news! She got her cast off and now she has 4 more weeks in a splint. It's cast on the bottom and then wrapped in an Ace bandage. The great thing about that is SHOWERS! Also after this week she can start taking it off a couple of hours a day to work on straightening it and gaining some mobility back. After 4 weeks we'll go back and they'll do a 5th set of x-rays and HOPEFULLY she will get the all clear to return (slowly) to normal activities. That would mean that she would get to do more than this at the gym.... </div>
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If she doesn't have full mobility (or what a normal person would consider full mobility, her elbows bend backwards) in 4 weeks time, then we'll start physical therapy, however the doctor is almost certain it shouldn't be a problem. So excited to be on the road to recovery, because she is really starting to get jealous of all the girls in the gym who are tumbling and having fun while she's doing core exercises and leg training. And dance. She can still dance :D </div>
Courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16098775489846879005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6465694370329942400.post-78512551985870521682014-02-02T18:09:00.000-08:002014-02-02T18:09:00.816-08:00I'll Be Honest<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I quit blogging. I don't know why. Life I guess. I wanted to start a blog that I could share with everyone, so I did. I wrote three posts, and promptly quit, and now I don't even remember the email I used to create the blog, much less the password. This makes me giggle at myself :)</div>
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So how ya been? No really, I want to know. If you're reading this, I want to know how you are. </div>
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I'm good. Life is insanely crazy right now. Home school is fun, and it takes A LOT of discipline to make sure that EVERYTHING gets done. I'm not a disciplined person. We're learning.</div>
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This bit turned 8. That was pretty big.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLpZ8eJnpBWe55WqPhtZ5flo0B9Ur_2jZhPz-QoTo6V0rpstprJMVPFvEbsEFV4XgtZJB7cSLDOxTWqhA_2ULQ2OtTOhqlsLX5OEQQqQs5jVPhMQHbtMxv1rcGzZFJTAh2f7fRjI4Timk/s1600/tmp_IMG_20140113_232017_75082479763.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLpZ8eJnpBWe55WqPhtZ5flo0B9Ur_2jZhPz-QoTo6V0rpstprJMVPFvEbsEFV4XgtZJB7cSLDOxTWqhA_2ULQ2OtTOhqlsLX5OEQQqQs5jVPhMQHbtMxv1rcGzZFJTAh2f7fRjI4Timk/s1600/tmp_IMG_20140113_232017_75082479763.jpg" height="320" width="180" /></a></div>
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Eric took a new job and is now a medic on an oil platform in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico. Somewhere. I'm actually rather jealous as he's getting pain a ridiculous amount of money to sit and do paperwork and watch movies and eat prime rib. It's a 2 week rotation, so he's home 2 weeks and gone 2 weeks and this is all very new to us. And while he isn't "deployed", I'm hearing that it is like that in some ways, like how the starter went out in my car the morning after he left, or how the dryer stopped working last night. So thankful my parents are near!</div>
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2 days after Christmas, and 5 minutes before an inner gym meet, Ali did a back handspring and broke her elbow. She didn't fall. She didn't land on her arm wrong. She just somehow broke her elbow. The working theory is that because she can hyper extend her elbows, she just went too far and the flexor muscle couldn't give any more and just ripped a hunk of bone off. She was such a trooper. So much so that she walked around with it like that for a week before we finally got it x-rayed.<br />
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I know. Mom of the year.</div>
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Here It Is That Night.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2fJUkrGaHGAp18VbPXaOqjBDinGKHaZx3YVcJsPhyCLTnmeBf1D_sBO5zvZ8o756lt6tTTrAr0NSOJd6rKIxmS2p48DlaG96t17X_y-UdaZFwVex93lHw174oZkSy660TP10dJwkJ-FY/s1600/tmp_IMG_20131227_215931_2751817908789.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2fJUkrGaHGAp18VbPXaOqjBDinGKHaZx3YVcJsPhyCLTnmeBf1D_sBO5zvZ8o756lt6tTTrAr0NSOJd6rKIxmS2p48DlaG96t17X_y-UdaZFwVex93lHw174oZkSy660TP10dJwkJ-FY/s1600/tmp_IMG_20131227_215931_2751817908789.jpg" height="320" width="180" /></a></div>
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Here's the first xray, my stylin girl and her stylin cast!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgranDE-KT2kAr-UmtTqNjA8mggoS1wDzziI3mfT4CELFi3m-regpLpKh91LPX_MmAd1UynXlCHLXud5qaiI9_7q2u3PzGsF-r-tLzR0bo9D17aqMfl_7EUO2IjQCwI-95GZ7UX0CGUY5c/s1600/tmp_IMG_20140106_224620_2361007921925.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgranDE-KT2kAr-UmtTqNjA8mggoS1wDzziI3mfT4CELFi3m-regpLpKh91LPX_MmAd1UynXlCHLXud5qaiI9_7q2u3PzGsF-r-tLzR0bo9D17aqMfl_7EUO2IjQCwI-95GZ7UX0CGUY5c/s1600/tmp_IMG_20140106_224620_2361007921925.jpg" height="320" width="180" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOLAcecrzvTsubRfhpJF1NXag2OBEDQQ4qNniPrBH0ehn87Uz6CsJflfbRu1PV5tBhWK3iOHGTI9yQfG4aAnUuNxvPG8U_YUDXnJd_XvYjvYkgnQa9QoqXr5ww-NCfu74xRn1EKzRgsI8/s1600/tmp_IMG_20140103_2349231642953038.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOLAcecrzvTsubRfhpJF1NXag2OBEDQQ4qNniPrBH0ehn87Uz6CsJflfbRu1PV5tBhWK3iOHGTI9yQfG4aAnUuNxvPG8U_YUDXnJd_XvYjvYkgnQa9QoqXr5ww-NCfu74xRn1EKzRgsI8/s1600/tmp_IMG_20140103_2349231642953038.jpg" height="320" width="180" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1-4fbFcHqPp1idqc13057t5EEZudkus2G6aRSNHi_c6zpOHtSH34yAIyzzjzSRPdevUdLpswEUgV2aIruhKl7ZWZnLKf9UTCV7ate0V2kuME32pLMYdeD0_R0znQBjHazeMCc14R3uts/s1600/tmp_IMG_20140110_124117_58875253913.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1-4fbFcHqPp1idqc13057t5EEZudkus2G6aRSNHi_c6zpOHtSH34yAIyzzjzSRPdevUdLpswEUgV2aIruhKl7ZWZnLKf9UTCV7ate0V2kuME32pLMYdeD0_R0znQBjHazeMCc14R3uts/s1600/tmp_IMG_20140110_124117_58875253913.jpg" height="320" width="180" /></a></div>
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<br />Tuesday they'll do more x-rays and we'll know if it's healing properly or if she'll have to have surgery. Honestly we don't think it will heal properly, but because it had already been 2 weeks before we got to an ortho, they decided that it was worth a shot to see if it would. No reason in operating if there's no need to. So here's praying that it'll be just fine. :)<br />
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I guess that's it for now. I have to head out for evening service. Much love to all. Maybe I'm back this time <3 p=""><!--3--><!--3--><!--3--></div>
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Courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16098775489846879005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6465694370329942400.post-80819697137728511902013-05-23T12:28:00.000-07:002013-05-23T12:28:28.537-07:00Guess Who Made the Gymnastics Team!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">This girl!</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgL78y_iI4cHJkqh1AnHb6Xm19QQ73G1kAT7fW-_fEZqgd1gAOnMI5YhIcAxz72WHrC3AIR9dNwtLQ0U60MAMGuWP2cAiElz7ismSfuZ5SfNboHFPKiFd7rch0UZ7O3xHlv_xYi1e2UUGQ/s1600/DSCN0499.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgL78y_iI4cHJkqh1AnHb6Xm19QQ73G1kAT7fW-_fEZqgd1gAOnMI5YhIcAxz72WHrC3AIR9dNwtLQ0U60MAMGuWP2cAiElz7ismSfuZ5SfNboHFPKiFd7rch0UZ7O3xHlv_xYi1e2UUGQ/s320/DSCN0499.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
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All that hard work has finally paid off. She starts team practice on the 3rd. So excited! Watch out for her at the 2020 Olympics ;)Courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16098775489846879005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6465694370329942400.post-19580886099567547362013-05-20T14:55:00.002-07:002013-05-20T14:55:49.922-07:00My Little GymnastI feel like I can never quite get back into blogging. Life is so crazy and I just... don't. But I want to today, because, why not?<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNp6mvaQrTQTOMm9a8IexWEleHuumsZsIcd2Dmc8Ai0ZWWfjUrEO9AHDXzvd8O6DfOcwhgfTj7x-c_rxgUrqJLnR5DwiBxzHFuNciFyTzfDey8Fs0qKzacw33MkrozXPepMiUGXbPJM0M/s1600/gold.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNp6mvaQrTQTOMm9a8IexWEleHuumsZsIcd2Dmc8Ai0ZWWfjUrEO9AHDXzvd8O6DfOcwhgfTj7x-c_rxgUrqJLnR5DwiBxzHFuNciFyTzfDey8Fs0qKzacw33MkrozXPepMiUGXbPJM0M/s320/gold.jpg" width="304" /></a></div>
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So this weekend was Ali's first ever gymnastics meet. It was an inner gym meet, but it was still a lot of girls! She worked so hard for it, and she had a blast! In the end she came home with a bronze medal on beam, a silver medal each for bars and vault, and the big fat gold medal for her beautiful floor routine!<br />
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It was such a great weekend filled with fun and laughter and I just LOVE her and her attitude about it. It will be decided this week if she will be on the competitive team, and when I asked if she was upset if she didn't make it, she said 'no, It'll just tell me that I need to work harder.' Such a sweet girl.<br />
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So here are some (very blurry) pictures of the day and a couple of videos!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMJDmHuN-aBiux8JelvDqXOBoA8AmaBPvkH9e_rkWlAeC7imwIR2I-Z-EdIkAMjD5mTPYJKxyEHcTw_ZvlcMhTeySHxf7SkI7JFrCH9iFuIb2-O32518AlxfNdo72l4zzXW9uAp8DWpkY/s1600/DSCN0481.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMJDmHuN-aBiux8JelvDqXOBoA8AmaBPvkH9e_rkWlAeC7imwIR2I-Z-EdIkAMjD5mTPYJKxyEHcTw_ZvlcMhTeySHxf7SkI7JFrCH9iFuIb2-O32518AlxfNdo72l4zzXW9uAp8DWpkY/s320/DSCN0481.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
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Ali and her friends </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaLNVi5EDZZKK87_U-wLESGyEScUuSy7HhjLEuH0her57SaoT0-E7AwRIT2skwp3EzZ4d_0uteoOKvJAf1-cZtMATqaP5Khyphenhyphenexan568RrqJsmCe27uziQakgdJgDxp-5sv_sYTEGNM7ik/s1600/DSCN0497.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaLNVi5EDZZKK87_U-wLESGyEScUuSy7HhjLEuH0her57SaoT0-E7AwRIT2skwp3EzZ4d_0uteoOKvJAf1-cZtMATqaP5Khyphenhyphenexan568RrqJsmCe27uziQakgdJgDxp-5sv_sYTEGNM7ik/s320/DSCN0497.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
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Hanging out on the bar </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiblG0iGNBBH6uO4z7eG9pgJSwt3unPl3wut9QtzBQtLrbHCWWaO4J69wyLnjfxpgai3VxjZTiu5TtGFZlFBA4lSvf7_DrbX8427ubWTUtm9UdtTuBUohLnI8QWqMI64DcoyjnzQ62dF1c/s1600/DSCN0499.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiblG0iGNBBH6uO4z7eG9pgJSwt3unPl3wut9QtzBQtLrbHCWWaO4J69wyLnjfxpgai3VxjZTiu5TtGFZlFBA4lSvf7_DrbX8427ubWTUtm9UdtTuBUohLnI8QWqMI64DcoyjnzQ62dF1c/s320/DSCN0499.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
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Look at all those medals!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBpLn2BYcuHmP-wkKs7M9KmxrkoJ_VRsJay8H_8bdrZDGijUCNg8Tf8TcY8QnzuP5sbe8G9R0e7-NLw_optTRZOs_ObU1V4_Gw5YkEyHrP5imH7HYeTNyVe8-mI5UetTkqrPLsXW1oqzg/s1600/gold+medal.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBpLn2BYcuHmP-wkKs7M9KmxrkoJ_VRsJay8H_8bdrZDGijUCNg8Tf8TcY8QnzuP5sbe8G9R0e7-NLw_optTRZOs_ObU1V4_Gw5YkEyHrP5imH7HYeTNyVe8-mI5UetTkqrPLsXW1oqzg/s320/gold+medal.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Receiving gold...</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzdSj9Ebp7Qrenzpk7aUWbChPRO2_DHaJsEU31FPgH9h-YyzJdUqocxuUvJ1glpYX2ftAcB0beQwemODWTnV6I11a6Lmq90iax5CMHqAvD1Xlay0AY4KaiPSKTWP_xBzhYujIst8Ts7yY/s1600/silver+medal.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzdSj9Ebp7Qrenzpk7aUWbChPRO2_DHaJsEU31FPgH9h-YyzJdUqocxuUvJ1glpYX2ftAcB0beQwemODWTnV6I11a6Lmq90iax5CMHqAvD1Xlay0AY4KaiPSKTWP_xBzhYujIst8Ts7yY/s320/silver+medal.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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silver...</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhss4jdyCPVbSsVuvaD1ECoAtmGPAsDxymMqa9X3HW0vLnV7Pf8yNMKia8WNP4WCuU9YpVJRgnRGrrvvFKw6qM7ofJM1ddb5r0Zn2KzodFz7Dx9upViULBUcGQslQfq7Bia0krQY29npzU/s1600/bronze+medal.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhss4jdyCPVbSsVuvaD1ECoAtmGPAsDxymMqa9X3HW0vLnV7Pf8yNMKia8WNP4WCuU9YpVJRgnRGrrvvFKw6qM7ofJM1ddb5r0Zn2KzodFz7Dx9upViULBUcGQslQfq7Bia0krQY29npzU/s320/bronze+medal.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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and bronze!</div>
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<br />And here's a video of her on the bar.</div>
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<br /><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dzquRgqTr-9RxvVsqtG8Nu2o_kEGDiPdsouKtuac1B8zcN4zIfqkRHCoJxne8evfOGiBitZtlFFqfByZfQ4_g' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
Courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16098775489846879005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6465694370329942400.post-24778117674576907022013-05-17T00:41:00.000-07:002013-05-17T00:48:33.516-07:00Five Minute Friday: Song<br />
<img src="http://lisajobaker.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/5minutefriday.jpg" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'century gothic'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px;">Here's the deal. Five Minute Friday. You go find the little prompt at the wonderful </span><a href="http://lisajobaker.com/" style="background-color: white; color: #e1771e; font-family: 'century gothic'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Lisa-Jo's blog</a><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'century gothic'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px;">, set the time and write for five minutes, and then just stop. Where you are, no edits, just publish raw words.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: century gothic;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px;">SONG... GO.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: century gothic;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px;">I often see my life in pictures. There are times I stop and say "Wow, this would make a great music video." My life is my album, and though none of the songs are mine, they define me. The paths I've walked, the hurt, the heartache, the joy, the triumph, it's all recorded in my heart through music. I wouldn't be who I am without it. It helps me to express things that I cannot, to put emotions into words where I am left blank, help me sort through the things that I don't</span></span><span style="font-family: 'century gothic'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px;"> understand. There have been defining moments in my life that were stamped with a song. There were times that I was only able to find the will or the courage to do something because of a certain song, often played on repeat until the task was done. It kept me alive through the endless abuse. It kept me holding on through the years of fallout. It showed me I'm not alone. I can't say to you that there is one song, because there isn't. There are a hundred, each with their significance, their own meaning, their own place. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'century gothic'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px;">But there is this one song that's on my heart today. It breaks my heart and gives me hope. It carried me through many a dark night, sometimes shattering the emotionless void I was encased in, given me a chance to push through and move forward. Sometimes it just makes me ache for everything I didn't have. And sometimes it makes me so very grateful for the things I have now. The love I have now. The one who carries me through it all.</span><br />
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<object class="BLOGGER-youtube-video" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0" data-thumbnail-src="http://img.youtube.com/vi/pvGlzRQLj_k/0.jpg" height="266" width="320"><param name="movie" value="http://youtube.googleapis.com/v/pvGlzRQLj_k&source=uds" /><param name="bgcolor" value="#FFFFFF" /><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true" /><embed width="320" height="266" src="http://youtube.googleapis.com/v/pvGlzRQLj_k&source=uds" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true"></embed></object></div>
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<span style="font-family: century gothic;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px;">This is my song today. Please take a minute to hear it... It might be your song, too.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: century gothic;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px;">STOP</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: century gothic;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px;"><br /></span></span>Courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16098775489846879005noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6465694370329942400.post-65937902757996819832013-04-12T09:18:00.000-07:002013-04-12T09:18:48.376-07:00Five Minute Friday: Here<img src="http://lisajobaker.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/5minutefriday.jpg" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'century gothic'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px;">Here's the deal. Five Minute Friday. You go find the little prompt at the wonderful </span><a href="http://lisajobaker.com/" style="background-color: white; color: #e1771e; font-family: 'century gothic'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Lisa-Jo's blog</a><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'century gothic'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px;">, set the time and write for five minutes, and then just stop. Where you are, no edits, just publish raw words.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: century gothic;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px;">Where is here? Today here is everywhere. It's errand day and I have things to do. "Here" is at my kids' school for an awards ceremony. "Here" is at lunch with my very best friend. "Here" is at the grocery store, buying enough food for the next two weeks, and then a brand new bike for my sweet 7 year old boy. "Here" is at gymnastics, watching my 9 year old hot shot gymnast perfect her beam routine and practice her sole circle. "Here" is cuddled in bed with my husband, tickling and laughing and being loved.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: century gothic;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px;">Here I am, a 29 year old mother of 2 (.5) kids living the good life. Here I am in my jeans and my baseball shirt and my black chucks, looking all of 19. Here I am, a Christian woman trying her best to share her faith and love for the Lord with her family, friends, and strangers too. Here I sit, writing to you, longing for community and approval and kind words. Here I am worrying about my son... praying for my daughter... Living my life.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: century gothic;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px;">I like here. Here is good. Let's stay here.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: century gothic;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px;">Stop.</span></span>Courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16098775489846879005noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6465694370329942400.post-91772962443994416082013-04-12T09:08:00.002-07:002013-04-12T09:08:31.880-07:00Dylan, my Love<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEid2JL5IS7PYSLGbfTHQLdcKAsjr_iXxg3iG3ezZQwNKHU76DuGkhu6XzKVEysFhH6sPUiP5VxgjTfWWgxCoRZFASdIgh80E-n9qdME-9tYPm773hadC2du9vsh4eghgof3xjm1q_GIaGU/s1600/Dylan+Collage.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="131" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEid2JL5IS7PYSLGbfTHQLdcKAsjr_iXxg3iG3ezZQwNKHU76DuGkhu6XzKVEysFhH6sPUiP5VxgjTfWWgxCoRZFASdIgh80E-n9qdME-9tYPm773hadC2du9vsh4eghgof3xjm1q_GIaGU/s400/Dylan+Collage.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Today I am just frustrated. I almost want to cry for my son. In fact, I probably will cry before this post is done. I haven't talked much about it because for the longest time Dylan, to us, has just been Dylan. He's sweet and loving and a nerd. And a klutz. And a little awkward. And we love him because he is so unique and fun.<br />
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But lately Dylan has really been struggling in school. His teacher will tell you that he is extremely gifted, yet his grades do not reflect that at all. He has an awful time writing. He can tell you the answer to anything you want to know, but if you ask him to write it, he will fail every time. And now, in the third quarter of 1st grade, they've started grading writing.<br />
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And it isn't fair.<br />
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I know, I'm his mom and I think that anything that messes with my son isn't fair, but it's just so frustrating. It doesn't just affect his writing capabilities It carries over to math and science and anything else that requires him to write things down manually onto a piece of paper. Today he took a math test that we have studied for. He knew the answers. And yet he got a 51 on it. Why? Because it was timed and he has poor fine motor skills and he just can't keep up. And it breaks my heart.<br />
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I went to his teacher and talked to her AGAIN today because things just aren't getting better. She said that we can try to have him do things on the computer from now on if that is easiest. We'll see how that goes. I got a copy of the test he took today and I want to see if he can properly answer the questions in the allotted time if he can type them instead of write them. It's a start, at least.<br />
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So now that I've ranted, here's what else is going on. A few months ago Dylan just about completely stopped doing any school work that involved writing. He was getting distracted easily by other kids in his class. He has always been an unorganized forgetful child. He's very clumsy and his poor muscle tone. He tires easily. He can't tie his shoes. He struggles with things that seem simple sometimes. And it's frustrating. We took him to his pediatrician Wednesday and he was diagnosed with ADD. We aren't shocked by this. You have to call his name 4 or 5 times before he acknowledges you. He spaces out on the soccer pitch in the middle of a game and you have to remind him that he needs to be playing. You have to remind him to stay on task just about every other minute sometimes. It can be very frustrating. For us, and for him.<br />
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The pediatrician referred us to a Neurologist to look deeper into things. I don't know where this road will lead us, but I know I'm very ready to be on it. I am ready to have a better idea of what is going on with him. Not because it's going to change anything, but because it will be much easier to deal with if we know what it is we're dealing with.<br />
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Deep breath. Please pray with us that he isn't just pushed aside. Pray that the Dr. will really look hard at everything and do his best to give us some answers. Some suggestions. Anything. Because right now I feel helpless, and all I want to do is help him to succeed, to be the best he can, and to not feel inferior because he struggles with things, and that it isn't his fault. He needs to know that it is not his fault.<br />
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Courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16098775489846879005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6465694370329942400.post-60116058313825200342013-04-09T21:48:00.000-07:002013-04-09T21:48:34.141-07:00What Does He Require of Thee?<br />
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This verse has been in my head for weeks. Deuteronomy 10:12-13. I've read it a million times before, but this time... there was something different in the words.</div>
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I've spent the better part of my life as a Christian, and the years before I was baptized into Christ, I was being raised in a Godly home. I've spent years trying to do the right things, say the right things, be the right person. And I have always felt not good enough. Even in the best of times, when I was closest to God, I was still horribly, awfully inadequate. And I would try to do more, and it was never enough. I was never enough. I would see the things other people were doing and judge myself against their "righteousness". And I never stacked up. Discouraged, I would allow myself to back away. There is only so much I can do, and the little I can do is nothing compared to what others can do.</div>
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There are days in this house when I feel like we're getting it right. But the truth is that we're not. Not right enough, anyhow. Yes, we take our children to church three times a week, and yes they are involved with youth groups and the like. They are good, good kids, but sometimes I feel that has nothing to do with us. My kids aren't nearly as sheltered as I would like them to be, and sometimes, they need sheltering from me. I lose my temper. I say things I shouldn't (and Ali gets after me EVERY single time. I'm working on that, now and forevermore I would assume) and lose my temper and yell. A lot. Though really I don't think yelling is so bad because that's kinda how we communicate. Just ask Tia, she'll tell you all about us non-Italian Italians. <!--3--><!--3--></div>
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Ahem.</div>
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There are days that go by when I think at the end of the day that the word God was not said nearly enough. Or even at all. We get busy and Life goes on. And it's WRONG. And I feel this gnawing guilt in my stomach and I feel even less adequate. And I see these moms, you know the ones... With their perfect hair and their beautifully dressed, polite, well behaved kids and their blogs about Jesus and Christianity and all of these wonderful things and I think I'll never stack up.<br />
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But you know what? I can't EVER stack up. I've realized that I'm measuring myself against the wrong things. I shouldn't be measuring myself against other moms, or families or whatever. I'm supposed to be measuring myself against Christ, and I will NEVER, EVER, EVER stack up there. And that's okay, because He came here for a reason. He certainly didn't go through all that he went through for nothing. He died because He KNEW we didn't measure up. He knew that the old law wasn't enough, that we couldn't do it. And He came here because God wanted him to save us. And if we choose it, if we choose to follow Christ, to declare Him to be the son of the Most High God, to be fully immersed in the waters of baptism for the remission of our sins, then He will save us. For that I am so very, very grateful.</div>
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I am a Christian. I was baptized for the remission of my sins at the age of 8 (that's kinda young, but here I stand). I fail. I falter. I fall. I sin. A LOT. And I know that. And I know that I'm not enough. Even now, right now, there is guilt chewing at me because I didn't say a prayer with Dylan before he fell asleep...</div>
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But this verse, it gives me hope. This verse is so powerful that my heart flutters when I read it, because maybe, just maybe, it's okay.</div>
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Deuteronomy 10:12-13</div>
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<span class="text Deut-10-12" style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; text-align: start;"><sup class="versenum" style="font-size: 0.75em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;">12 </sup>“And now, Israel, <sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-ESV-5199B" title="See cross-reference B">B</a>)"></sup>what does the <span class="small-caps" style="font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span> your God require of you, but <sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-ESV-5199C" title="See cross-reference C">C</a>)"></sup>to fear the <span class="small-caps" style="font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span> your God, <sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-ESV-5199D" title="See cross-reference D">D</a>)"></sup>to walk in all his ways, <sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-ESV-5199E" title="See cross-reference E">E</a>)"></sup>to love him, to serve the <span class="small-caps" style="font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span> your God with all your heart and with all your soul,</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; text-align: start;"></span><span class="text Deut-10-13" id="en-ESV-5200" style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; text-align: start;"><sup class="versenum" style="font-size: 0.75em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;">13 </sup>and <sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-ESV-5200F" title="See cross-reference F">F</a>)"></sup>to keep the commandments and statutes of the <span class="small-caps" style="font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span>, which I am commanding you today <sup class="crossreference" style="font-size: 0.65em; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-ESV-5200G" title="See cross-reference G">G</a>)"></sup>for your good?</span></div>
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All He wants us our love and obedience. </div>
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I think I can do that. If nothing else I can keep trying until the day that I die.</div>
Courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16098775489846879005noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6465694370329942400.post-17710566595367540952013-04-05T23:22:00.000-07:002013-04-05T23:22:09.861-07:00Five Minute Friday: After<br />
<a href="http://lisajobaker.com/five-minute-friday/" title="Five Minute Friday"><img alt="Five Minute Friday" src="http://lisajobaker.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/5minutefriday.jpg" style="border: none;" title="Five Minute Friday" /></a><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'century gothic'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px;">Here's the deal. Five Minute Friday. You go find the little prompt at the wonderful </span><a href="http://lisajobaker.com/" style="background-color: white; color: #e1771e; font-family: 'century gothic'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Lisa-Jo's blog</a><span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'century gothic'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px;">, set the time and write for five minutes, and then just stop. Where you are, no edits, just publish raw words. (yes, I did just copy paste that from you, <a href="http://onegirl-itjusttakesone.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">OneGirl</a>) And even though it's technically not Friday anymore... Here we go.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'century gothic'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px;">After: Go.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: century gothic;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 22px;">I was a girl lost in a world of craziness. I didn't know what to do or where to go, and I made a lot of mistakes along the way. I tried everything I could to do the right thing, be the right person. I was hurt and alone. A whole life of pain, anger and fear lay behind me. Abuse, sin, emptiness. It was all there ever present in my mind, displayed before me as a testimony of my life. I refused to let that be what my life was made up of. So I fought. I struggled. I prayed. I cried. A lot. And I'm here. And I smile at that. Because now I know that all of that was my BEFORE. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: century gothic;"><span style="line-height: 22px;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">But it isn't before anymore. This is my </span><b><span style="font-size: large;">life</span></b><span style="font-size: 14px;">. My </span><b><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">love</span></b><span style="font-size: 14px;">. This is my </span><b><span style="color: #a64d79; font-size: x-large;">AFTER</span></b><span style="font-size: 14px;">, and </span><span style="color: orange; font-size: large;"><b>this</b></span><span style="font-size: 14px;"> is what matters. </span></span></span><br />
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Courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16098775489846879005noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6465694370329942400.post-46030387042270288602013-03-28T23:54:00.001-07:002013-03-29T00:03:15.290-07:00Five Minute Friday I have been looking for a way to get back in. I've not blogged in so long, I didn't even know where to start. I just had a long conversation with my friend the Squirrel, and it made me think that I really wish I still blogged. I really wish that I still shared my heart and soul and life with these people that I've made family. Sure we keep up on facebook, but sometimes I think it's called that for a reason, so we can decide what face to show the world. I don't want that anymore.<br />
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On top of the fact that I've not been blogging, I've not been reading blogs either. I apologize, by the way. But tonight I opened up blogger. And I'm taking it as a sign. It's five minute Friday. And do you know what the prompt for today's five minute Friday is? Broken... I'm not sure I can stop at five, but I'll do my best.<br />
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<a href="http://lisajobaker.com/five-minute-friday/" title="Five Minute Friday"><img alt="Five Minute Friday" src="http://lisajobaker.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/5minutefriday.jpg" style="border: none;" title="Five Minute Friday" /></a><br />
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(I'm actually delaying starting because I'm just not sure how I'll ever get this right)<br />
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(Also, I'm giving myself ten minutes because my 'o' key is missing and it makes typing very awkward)<br />
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And... Go.<br />
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There's this thing you should know about being broken... I'll get to that in a minute.<br />
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If you've never read my blog (and you probably haven't) then you don't know just how much this word broken means to me. It just made me start blogging again. I hear the word broken, and even now, to this day, it defines me. Even after years of therapy, years of healing, reconciliation and restoration, still, I am broken. <br />
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I was sexually abused as a child by my brother. For many, many years (between the ages of 7 and 14, I believe) I was used as his object. He manipulated me in every way you can manipulate someone. And when it's your 7 year old little sister who wants nothing but for you to accept her... it doesn't take much. He wasn't the only person that abused me, and the other people who did, well he made that possible. I spent a lot of years in denial, a lot of years self-medicating with whatever drugs and as much alcohol as I could find. Even after the abuse ended he was in my life, right there on the edge of things, just enough to keep me... broken. I never really could heal. I didn't really even know what the wound was.<br />
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When I was 19 I was married, and shortly after I was pregnant. When I was 23 we moved away from "home". 500 miles away. And he was there waiting for me when we got there. Yes, he moved 500 miles away, too. Just to be near me. It was a never ending cycle of abuse, even if it wasn't physical anymore.<br />
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And then, just like that, he moved away, and for the first time in my life, I was left to deal with the aftermath. I had a nightmare. I can remember it like it was yesterday, and it brought back a FLOOD of memories that I did NOT want. I spiraled downward. Fast. I lost 50 pounds, I stopped functioning. I could barely get out of bed. While I did not start drinking or doing drugs again, I did start self-injuring again. And for 5 years I went through this phase of hell. There have been times when my only goal was to survive the night, and times that I didn't think that would happen.<br />
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But it did.<br />
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I am here. I am standing strong(ish), proof that anything is possible. Sometime around the end of 2011 my brother and I started to reconcile. Somehow, after all of the hurt and the hate and the anger, we managed to find some common ground. And there has been a long road of healing since then. And there are days that I think I'm better. And in truth, I am. But then there are days, weeks even, that I am still that shattered little girl. I still fight nightmares and the occasional flashback. I have trust issues and intimacy issues and faith issues. But I'm still standing here. Still alive. Still fighting, even through the (sometimes) crippling pain. I am here.<br />
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So that thing about being broken I mentioned earlier? When something breaks... you fix it. I always think of the broken pitcher. You glue it back together, piece by piece, bit by bit, and in the end, you have a pitcher again. But it is not the same as it was before it was broken. No, it has changed. It was become something more. There are scars now where the glue is bonding the shattered remains of your life back together. There are bits missing here and there, "shards of me to small to put back together". But a pitcher it remains, and eventually, when all the glue is dried and the pieces are mended, it is useful again. And that is where my heart is. That is why I can tell you how I have been broken, and how God is slowly putting me back together. Because somehow, after all I've been through, somehow I have to make it worth it again. I have to help someone else who has been broken.<br />
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HAHA I'm so broken I can't get the picture for the link up to work. That, my friends, is talent!Courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16098775489846879005noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6465694370329942400.post-63192489777808208102012-10-22T20:08:00.001-07:002012-10-22T20:08:09.188-07:003 Steps Back<br />
I woke up this morning hopeful. I took the children to school and rested a while longer before it was time to head to the doctor. I walked in the office, my head pounding, hoping for some answers, hoping for anything.<br />
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I went into the room and sat down, hoping the he would come in and discuss things with me, give me an idea of where to go from here. Instead, he came in, gave me my shots, and shook my hand and said I was all done. I politely asked him about the MRI results and he told me that what they found was Arnold Chiari Malformation, and he explained again what it does. Then I asked the big question: What can be done about it?</div>
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He smiled and said oh no, nothing to be done. This isn't what's causing your migraines, it's just something that's there that we found by accident.</div>
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All I could feel was deflated. I tried to blink away the tears and smile and nod, my brain too addled to even think of questions as he hurried me out the door. I drove home in tears. I'll be honest, I kinda lost it. We're back to square one. Back to nothing. No answers, no plans to move forward. </div>
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It's just migraines.<br />
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After I got home I realized that I'd not told him about all of the other symptoms that I have. None of them seemed relevant before, they just didn't seem connected, but now they make perfect sense. Today he didn't give me time to really talk about anything. My actual follow up appointment isn't until the 19th of November, but I'm hoping to talk to him sooner rather than later.</div>
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Tomorrow I'll have the second MRI to check for a Syrinx, which is a pocket of spinal fluid that can build up and cause issues. About 15% of people with ACM develop a Syrinx, and if I don't have one, and he isn't convinced the other symptoms are being caused by the Chiari, then we're back to nothing.<br />
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I let myself be sad today, and honestly the shots make my neck very sore and stiff so I slept a lot, too, but tomorrow is a new day. I plan to get the report from the first MRI tomorrow so I'll have a better idea of what's going on, and then if after the 3rd round of nerve blocks and the rest of the tests are complete and we're still no where, then we'll get a second opinion. Right now I'm just prayerful. Praying to be thankful, to be faithful, to be positive. Just praying for answers. Please, please pray with me.<br />
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Love to all,<br />
Court</div>
Courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16098775489846879005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6465694370329942400.post-68210113010313526622012-10-20T09:23:00.000-07:002012-10-20T09:23:03.630-07:00A Slight Bump in the Road<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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8 and a half years ago (tomorrow) I gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl. See, I'm sure you agree!<br />
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This post has absolutely nothing to do with her, but she's cute, anyhow.</div>
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Four months after she was born, on my birthday, I had my first migraine. Eric and I had gone to Disney World and had to return to our hotel room early every day we were there. After we returned home I saw my doctor, and he sent me to a neurologist. After an MRI it was decided that I was having mixed tension migraines and was given medication to deal with them as much as possible.</div>
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At first, the medication was like a wonder drug. It was great, but over time the migraines got worse and harder to get rid of. Here we are 8 years later.</div>
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For the last month or so my migraines have been nearly constant. It seemed that even if I got them to ease, they would never quite go away. Finally I went to the Dr, and she gave me some new medicine (that works fairly well) and set me up with a new neurologist. He decided that something was indeed was going on because the migraines were so different. He ordered an MRI and MRA of my brain and blood vessels, an EEG and three rounds of nerve blocks in my head. Fun!</div>
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We did the first round of blocks and then it was time for the MRI/MRA. Have I mentioned I'm claustrophobic? I took some meds and tried to relax and the lady gave me a pillow to cover my eyes, and that seemed to help. Then it was just time to wait.</div>
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I couldn't sleep after I dropped the kids off at school the next morning, I kept waiting for a call, sure that there was <i>something</i> there. That call never came. About 4 that afternoon the phone rang and it was the dr's office. They were calling to remind me about my appt Monday for my second round of nerve blocks. I kindly asked if they had received the results of the MRI and she told me that someone would call me back. </div>
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Deep breath.</div>
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About ten minutes later the nurse called and said very quickly and matter-of-factly that what they found was called Arnold Chiari Malformation and that they were scheduling me for a second MRI, this time of my neck/spine. That was pretty much all of the conversation that I remember. I hung up the phone and smiled, simply because Eric had been right, they found a congenital defect that somehow wasn't picked up on the first MRI. Also, THEY FOUND SOMETHING! I was terrified they would find nothing and I'd just have to keep dealing with the headaches with no answers. Not fun.</div>
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I know you never should, but I started researching on the internet, and so far, I'm okay with what I'm reading. The opening that allows the spinal cord to come up and connect with my brain is too small, and the pressure is pushing part of my cerebellum down into the spinal column, potentially cutting off the flow of cerebral spinal fluid to my brain and vice versa. The symptoms rang so true with me that all we could do was laugh. It causes balance and coordination issues, hearing/sight issues (I'm half deaf, for real), memory issues, headaches, and a few other things that are totally me.</div>
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I have my appt Monday for the shots and I'm assuming we'll discuss the diagnosis, and then the MRI is Tuesday at 11. I ask that you guys pray with me. I'm not even sure what to pray for other than peace. The only treatment (other than pain management) is surgery, which kinda scares the heck out of me. I've decided to update as much as possible, because, hey why not? Maybe this is the path to getting better.</div>
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Here's prayin'.</div>
Courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16098775489846879005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6465694370329942400.post-87117816966843249142012-09-29T16:31:00.003-07:002012-09-29T16:31:37.619-07:00Catching UpSo I'm hanging out at moms for the weekend and it's a rainy day. I love a rainy day! So we're just holed up in the bed watching T.V. and my brother and I are listening to a cappella music on his phone. Fun times. So I just wanted to blog, bc hey, why not? Not a whole lot to talk about, but here you go, have some first day of school pictures :D<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUbxzjEOfbGWcFdiBnDo7q3AnFRbAF0f_zRlsZyZCvfFzEd674eRpsE_adZrYYHXyAKfeu2VrG_ghswq6B6F2sOHDFbQqW_8Z-zP0to_cvwjpnOrrsYJiNzDDSTuo1XG0VdgVN8pSSAGw/s1600/2012-08-27+07.18.40.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUbxzjEOfbGWcFdiBnDo7q3AnFRbAF0f_zRlsZyZCvfFzEd674eRpsE_adZrYYHXyAKfeu2VrG_ghswq6B6F2sOHDFbQqW_8Z-zP0to_cvwjpnOrrsYJiNzDDSTuo1XG0VdgVN8pSSAGw/s320/2012-08-27+07.18.40.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Mah babies :D</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEit5Ovl-2D-HU07M-9w0dSu9UoLjaNiiPzCGzOfgjLRsmesZe5uKJuSOhx9bEuxZtvd2wUdkiF-sNztA80UbY7jOYPrsWMTfXY6jZCfDtHGJ8mVeqrYkiWseh-8z4kfRK4O5cKuM3znhcc/s1600/2012-08-27+07.16.51.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEit5Ovl-2D-HU07M-9w0dSu9UoLjaNiiPzCGzOfgjLRsmesZe5uKJuSOhx9bEuxZtvd2wUdkiF-sNztA80UbY7jOYPrsWMTfXY6jZCfDtHGJ8mVeqrYkiWseh-8z4kfRK4O5cKuM3znhcc/s320/2012-08-27+07.16.51.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Doesn't he look so excited to be a freshman?</div>
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Here, I'll put a much happier picture of him in nearly the same outfit...</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj64BEgeOqZ7xsPDGRceAoUTsfmoWU05rwIXpqDogm5KyL259PGD0I0FtSv2fATwNZS6gFmM6jsm-tkkNfJNoZCauKWbxbMKJjx4DXH6HtKMfX-Ob6n_Pb9aSgTnYxawJp3W7lxzfFueY8/s1600/2012-07-06+23.33.54.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj64BEgeOqZ7xsPDGRceAoUTsfmoWU05rwIXpqDogm5KyL259PGD0I0FtSv2fATwNZS6gFmM6jsm-tkkNfJNoZCauKWbxbMKJjx4DXH6HtKMfX-Ob6n_Pb9aSgTnYxawJp3W7lxzfFueY8/s320/2012-07-06+23.33.54.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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(excuse the knife in his hand)</div>
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First day of 1st grade!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqeC7I3T69tJKKzh5o3sUtuCyZONfzq7qpq3yE0IgqKDU9ZaD-_lrNKl25lt0Gx2YdEb3RHPpeDucMbkLwbJjvpyxeOqzyEv3nHbntDi9Kyk_VWwoHdisxxKahOm0tlxtPoN01UvVLPew/s1600/2012-08-27+07.19.10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqeC7I3T69tJKKzh5o3sUtuCyZONfzq7qpq3yE0IgqKDU9ZaD-_lrNKl25lt0Gx2YdEb3RHPpeDucMbkLwbJjvpyxeOqzyEv3nHbntDi9Kyk_VWwoHdisxxKahOm0tlxtPoN01UvVLPew/s320/2012-08-27+07.19.10.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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First day of 3rd grade!</div>
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Also the little kids are doing gymnastics now! It's an interesting ride, that is for sure and certain. Ali loves it, and is fairly good, and Dylan just likes having all the teenage girls teaching him how to do stuff lol. Here's a picture of Ali in one of her new leos!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZx1vR1bSHNsqTCyEtVdsiumZ99cid2RTekO4QYMj1g9m4qtmU9Hgt3EZexs-XlCW6YhzlalqZXWkaF24Ugey4UYx9yaE-TmsgYVcYgAVc3b8Ap1t2fNfOeoqV-IP1_m8h_JUn68I2IW0/s1600/2012-08-25+21.42.38.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZx1vR1bSHNsqTCyEtVdsiumZ99cid2RTekO4QYMj1g9m4qtmU9Hgt3EZexs-XlCW6YhzlalqZXWkaF24Ugey4UYx9yaE-TmsgYVcYgAVc3b8Ap1t2fNfOeoqV-IP1_m8h_JUn68I2IW0/s320/2012-08-25+21.42.38.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Hmm.. What else... oh well here're some cute pictures of my kiddos.</div>
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Oh hey yeah and they all got (mostly) good grades on their progress reports, so woohoo for that!</div>
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Getting ready to head to gymnastics :D</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiynl-umEXMhCApDK8SoMSB85Kt_5STyaSrIJwtZ_ZrqbvlWr5HXu_i8_iJeCnD1X8mPP4NV17qjkZFqHabAlgCw2fGKk-9zIDy7QNTGMnkXWmvN15jxHacCMkQKT2VADKiOwE8S9EX3qA/s1600/2012-09-12+18.46.22.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiynl-umEXMhCApDK8SoMSB85Kt_5STyaSrIJwtZ_ZrqbvlWr5HXu_i8_iJeCnD1X8mPP4NV17qjkZFqHabAlgCw2fGKk-9zIDy7QNTGMnkXWmvN15jxHacCMkQKT2VADKiOwE8S9EX3qA/s320/2012-09-12+18.46.22.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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And headed to Wednesday night Bible study </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnaMBJaPLku8o6szLVvJDk8tB-j-e41qAGl-78DujldYSdtAsS-AMxMNo6np9eipGUpzskax_JW1OEYMvtc29pIuKDEqQh4elRU0mq-_bGNfwACBrZARk7dO8k1YlhUJzilHpscxGAfdw/s1600/2012-09-16+18.34.47.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnaMBJaPLku8o6szLVvJDk8tB-j-e41qAGl-78DujldYSdtAsS-AMxMNo6np9eipGUpzskax_JW1OEYMvtc29pIuKDEqQh4elRU0mq-_bGNfwACBrZARk7dO8k1YlhUJzilHpscxGAfdw/s320/2012-09-16+18.34.47.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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And.. well, who knows?</div>
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Haha so now I'm off :D Later I'll post about my birthday (which was August 17 and totally amazing!)</div>
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Much love</div>
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Court</div>
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Courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16098775489846879005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6465694370329942400.post-5051705307717777202012-09-27T23:22:00.000-07:002012-09-27T23:22:26.297-07:00I Just Wanna BlogI've been telling myself I need to blog, but I keep, well, not blogging. There's so much going on now that school is back in session, but I guess at least now I have something to blog about :D<br />
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Also, I'm backlogged on things that I *didn't* blog about that I probably totally could have. So for now, I think I'll share a few pictures to catch you guys up on what we've been doing around here!<br />
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We spent most of our summer doing exactly this...<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwkQXkgwHhCuqlp7lsSNvoAa-FVP8puMj8kz6WNzF82Oz5l9QnQpFb91ZnHJ7N3kRsaG54oj0VfmpA4CsfdfFokAUhFT2J2MVGb2MCKSGei43diegqVPQeRLdfKN8b_eF_YP0uCsRMtiI/s1600/2012-05-04+20.24.14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwkQXkgwHhCuqlp7lsSNvoAa-FVP8puMj8kz6WNzF82Oz5l9QnQpFb91ZnHJ7N3kRsaG54oj0VfmpA4CsfdfFokAUhFT2J2MVGb2MCKSGei43diegqVPQeRLdfKN8b_eF_YP0uCsRMtiI/s320/2012-05-04+20.24.14.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIQUd2ttqX8G9Eb-yPDW8rgBHNhskxu5t-CnHr3dWwI7KirncdqYBYC3Sps-3hUicLQJjCwp1svl_8h8_H6iXLq9DkZdNTgLaLrogQAilprbkOEd-2x6sJ8nhoiF4OVf7CBg2mFYpanuU/s1600/2012-05-24+16.57.39.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIQUd2ttqX8G9Eb-yPDW8rgBHNhskxu5t-CnHr3dWwI7KirncdqYBYC3Sps-3hUicLQJjCwp1svl_8h8_H6iXLq9DkZdNTgLaLrogQAilprbkOEd-2x6sJ8nhoiF4OVf7CBg2mFYpanuU/s320/2012-05-24+16.57.39.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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(Dylan's foot, cut in the creek)</div>
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(Ali's shots with her new bow)</div>
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(Our new couch and some hardcore xbox)</div>
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Yep, it's been fun :)</div>
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<br />Courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16098775489846879005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6465694370329942400.post-85985699553557586392012-08-13T13:05:00.002-07:002012-08-13T13:05:40.372-07:00Prayers For My Boy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
See that kid? That one right there with the dark hair that looks like, well, me? I love that kid with all of my heart! I love all three of them, so much. I can't imagine my life without them. <br />
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Right now, Anthony, my 14 year old nephew is living with us. He has been with us all summer, and he's happy and settled here. He suffers from PTSD due to his abusive step-father, and his dad (my brother) is a now single father who is an EMT/firefighter, works a part time job on the night shift, and is in school. He's also not equipped to deal with an emotionally compromised teenage boy.<br />
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In order for him to stay here with us, he has to be able to attend school here. But as of right now, that's not possible because he does not live with his legal guardian. We've petitioned the school board for special permission for him to attend school in our district, and now we're waiting to hear from the superintendent of schools. I ask that you please, please be in prayer with us about this.<br />
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I know that prayer is such a powerful thing, and I ask that when you speak to our Heavenly Father that you remember this sweet kid, and just ask that if it's God's will that he be here with us, that he'll be able to attend school in our district this year. Also pray that Eric and I can be what he needs us to be, that we can love him and give him everything that he needs to succeed, that we can be able to deal with his emotional issues, and that we will all thrive in this situation.<br />
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Thank you all so much. I love you all.<br />
CourtCourtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16098775489846879005noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6465694370329942400.post-17372810538055618272012-08-11T20:21:00.000-07:002012-08-11T20:21:07.668-07:00Deliver me, O Lord... Deliver Me.The last few weeks have been hard. And I've been struggling with feeling alone. In this little bitty apartment with 5 people living in it, I'm always surrounded by people. Somehow, though, I just feel so alone.<br />
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Even with Stace, even when I know I can be absolutely, brutally honest, I feel this disconnect. I feel so distant from everyone, so incapable of connecting with her, with anyone. And it's so lonely. I've spent hours in the last few days in prayer, trying to focus on others, on what I could bring to God on others' behalves instead of my own. And today, finally I just broke down and started talking about me. I prayed and prayed to be delivered. He's brought me through so much already, and these newest hurdles are no different. <br />
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Do they hurt? Absolutely. Do I feel crippled by panic and fear? You Bet. But that doesn't mean that God is incapable of bringing me through it. So I lean on Him to lead me. And I know that means some hard stuff is coming. I can't just expect Him to plant me on the other side of it, and I know getting there will suck. But I know He can take me there. I know He will take me there.<br />
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Often in times of severe distress I go to Psalm 69. I'll never forget the first time I read the words... they screamed at my heart, and my heart screamed them to God.<br />
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69:1-3<br />
"Save me, O God! For the waters have come up to my neck.<br />
I sink in deep mire, where there is no foothold;<br />
I have come into deep waters, and the flood sweeps over me.<br />
I am weary with my crying out; my throat is parched.<br />
My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God."<br />
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14-18<br />
"Deliver me from sinking in the mire;<br />
let me delivered from my enemies and from the deep waters.<br />
Let not the flood sweep over me, or the deep swallow me up, or the pit close it's mouth over me.<br />
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Answer me, O Lord, for your steadfast love is good;<br />
according to your abundant mercy, turn to me.<br />
Hide not your face from your servant;<br />
for I am in distress; make haste to answer me.<br />
Draw near to my soul, redeem me;<br />
ransom me because of my enemies!"<br />
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I pulled open my Bible earlier and just let it fall open and started reading. I don't do this very often, but sometimes I just don't know where to go or what to study so I just start somewhere. This day, however, it was eye opening.<br />
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Psalm 121:1-8<br />
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"I lift up my eyes to the hills, From where does my help come?<br />
My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.<br />
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He will not let your foot be moved, he who keeps you will not slumber.<br />
Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.<br />
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The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right.<br />
The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night.<br />
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The Lord will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life.<br />
The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore."<br />
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He will not leave me. He will protect me. He will protect my LIFE. He will watch me while I sleep, while I'm coming and going, he will not let me fall or be hurt. He loves me. He is my protector, and he will get me through this. <br />
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Because that's what Daddy's do.Courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16098775489846879005noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6465694370329942400.post-72412350420366527632012-08-09T13:27:00.001-07:002012-08-09T13:27:14.837-07:00Tangible LoveI said I was going to blog today, because no one can read your blog if there's nothing to read. But honestly... this is just me procrastinating. I should be up cleaning the kitchen. I should be folding laundry. I should be doing just about anything other than sitting here on the couch blogging. I should be setting a better example for my children, whom I've just asked to clean their rooms.<br />
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But I'm not. I'm here.<br />
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I guess there's a reason, though I'm not sure what it is today. I woke up this morning and prayed, prayed fervently that I would be the person God wanted me to be today, that I would be purposeful and a good example, and I'm sitting here blogging :D<br />
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So I'm kinda hoping the reason I'm sitting here is that there's someone out there reading this today who's hurting. I don't have anything profound to say, no wise words that make sense of the world or the hurt in your life. But I do have love. And comfort. I know what it's like to sit and feel alone, to feel like no one understands and you're scared and it hurts. So today I'm here to say that if you are out there reading this, you're not alone. And if you need some tangible proof of that, I'm here. I'll listen, I'll talk, I'll pray, I'll even make you laugh if that's what you need. I just don't want you to feel alone. Even if you know in your heart that God is always there, sometimes you need someone who talks back. So I'm here to be that person to you, since I'm needing that same kind of person for me!<br />
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<3 p="p">Court </3>Courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16098775489846879005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6465694370329942400.post-21940948793483895372012-08-04T01:41:00.000-07:002012-08-04T09:15:57.556-07:00The Thing About Getting Better...Early this week I wrote about how I've forgiven my brother, and though while things are still new and a little scary, I was doing better. It felt so good to write those words, to know they are true, and that they are only possible because of God. But the aftermath of declaring those things to the world (or the 5 of you who read this) has been hard.<br />
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I wanted to write earlier in the week, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I felt so proud after that post, and then bam, just like that, it all shattered. I didn't want to admit to anyone that I was not okay. I mean, how could I after that? But the truth is, I'm not okay.</div>
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Not long after writing the post, in the middle of the night, I had a flashback. It was scary and real and it sent me into a tailspin of panic that I've never before experienced. I cried and shook and screamed and I wanted so badly to cut or drink or do anything that would numb it all. Stacey came, out of no where (because the internet was out at her house she showed up at mine at midnight... yeah, thanks God) and picked the lock to the bathroom door, where I was huddled in the shower. After much coaxing and calming I finally slept around sunrise. The next day, I was just drained and defeated. How could this happen so quickly? How could everything go so wrong in such a short amount of time. I'm supposed to be better! It isn't supposed to be like this anymore.</div>
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I've spent the last three days in a horrible cycle of physical illness and self-destructiveness that I don't really care to admit to. I didn't eat for three days, too ill to keep anything down, and too defeated to care. I took too many meds hoping to defeat a migraine and keep the nightmares at bay. Eventually I just cried out to God, literally lay my head in his lap and just prayed myself to sleep over and over again. </div>
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This morning a friend told me that it's no wonder I'm struggling after that blog post. The enemy will do anything to knock me down and that I had to fight it. I didn't want to hear those words. I wanted her to comfort me, to tell me it was going to be okay, but instead she spoke wisdom and truth. So here I am, trying desperately to fight it.</div>
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After the last post someone told me that they felt like I was holding back, that it wasn't me, not really, not deep, just scratching the surface. She was right, it wasn't all of me. But I'm here now. I'm here being real and telling you that I'm not okay. I've figured out in the last few days that the thing about getting better is that sometimes, you don't. You take 1 step forward and 3 steps back. It's a process, and some days are going to be better than others. Some weeks are going to be better. It doesn't make me weak, it makes me human. I'm trying to pick myself back up. This week has been hell, but I'm determined to make it through. Even though I am in emotional distress, and even though it isn't going to go away overnight, I am going to make it. I will survive this.</div>Courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16098775489846879005noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6465694370329942400.post-46297015233184325942012-07-27T18:19:00.002-07:002012-07-27T18:19:31.328-07:00And Out of the Ashes Came BeautyIf you would have told me four years ago that I would be sitting next to my brother in worship, holding hands as we prayed to our Father, I would have laughed in your face.<br />
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If you would have said we would have lunch after worship together with our children, or spend the day swimming together, or just playing XBOX, I would have called you crazy.<br />
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But God knew. Even when I thought it was impossible, God knew that all things are possible. He knew I would be writing this, in awe of the place that I am. He knew that I would want to share this story with as many people as possible. And he knew that I would hope that it would help someone, give hope, show love.<br />
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Maybe some of you don't know my story. I honestly hope that's true. That means that more people are hearing this. So I'll start from the beginning, and hope I make it to the end.<br />
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When I was a child I was sexually molested by my brother. I am unsure of how long it went on, or even when it started. But it happened. And it changed my life. For many years I blocked it out, finding that to be the only way to function. I maintained a relationship with my brother, aware deep down that something was very wrong. I turned to drugs and alcohol to survive. I spent my teenage years in a fog, either drunk or high or both. But I still clung to God, waiting for the day I would escape, the day I would be free of him, the day I could truly begin to live.<br />
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When I was 19 I married the first man who asked. Turns out it was the best decision I've ever made. 6 weeks after we were married I got pregnant with our first child, our daughter Ali, who is now 8. At the sight of that little pink line, I stopped everything cold turkey. I vowed I would do whatever I had to do to protect her, and that included from myself.<br />
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Even though I was married and out of the house, safe in my world with my husband and our daughter, I still had frequent contact with my brother, and I was incapable of dealing with my past, so I pushed it away, forced it out of my mind. Until I couldn't anymore.<br />
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It started with a dream. I woke up in a sweat and I knew. I knew what had happened and that there was no hiding from it anymore. I spent four long years in a deep, dark depression. I was suicidal, I was self-destructive, I was lost. I could not function. I could barely get out of bed, most days I didn't. I just let life keep going. I told my parents and cut contact with my brother, and there was a lot of drama and anger and bad things that came from that. My parents tried to be as supportive as possible, but it was hard on us all. My marriage suffered because all of a sudden I could barely allow my husband to touch me. I didn't want to be anywhere near him. I slept curled up in a blanket on my side of the bed, terrified that if I moved it would wake him and he would reach out to me. My spiritual life died in my hands. I didn't even know how to pray anymore. I didn't know how to find God in that mess.<br />
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But God knew what I needed. He sent someone into my life, a new sister to have forever. She was molested as a child too. I had never spoken to someone else who had gone through what I had. I had no idea that there were other people out there like me. And because of her I survived. She stood by me when I was at my darkest. She ripped bottles of pills from my hands, hid every knife or razor in the house, and watched me like a hawk when my Eric couldn't be there to protect me from myself. And she was there when he just didn't understand anymore, when he threw his hands in the air and let tears fall from his face because he knew there was nothing he could do. I survived because neither of them gave up on me. Even when I wanted them to.<br />
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Slowly I started to heal. I went to therapy and started medication for Bi-Polar disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I started focusing at church. Slowly, I started to live again. I started laughing with my children. We went to the park and played in the fountain together. We watched movies in my bed and spilled popcorn everywhere. Eric and I found each other again, renewed our love, learned to love each other in a whole new way. But there was still something missing.<br />
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Family. My whole family. My brother's son, Anthony, my nephew who calls me mom, begged us last year to have Thanksgiving dinner together. I was reluctant. I didn't want to. We decided on neutral ground, having dinner at the church with several of the other families. We played games and laughed and had fun. And my brother sat across from me at dinner. And for the first time in four years, we spoke to each other. It was a tentative thing, like stepping out on a bridge that is missing boards and looks like it could fall apart at any moment. But I did it.We did it.<br />
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We spent more and more time together, never alone, but together. Somewhere along the way I realized that I had forgiven him. That I had learned to love him, and that I had my brother back. My God always knew I would, but this was something I believed with all of my heart was impossible.<br />
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But with God, all things are possible.<br />
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Today we are reconciled, but it is a whole new world. I'm learning to trust again, learning to fully love again. I'm trying to give all of myself now, instead of hiding it away. There are days that I feel like I'm making a mistake, that I shouldn't put myself in this vulnerable position again. There are days that I am crippled with nightmares and flashbacks. Sometimes I feel like a newborn babe, learning to walk, talk, think. I have to learn my limits, what I can handle and can't handle. There are times that we have to spend away from each other because it's too much for me. And he respects that. It's a new thing for us both, to learn to love again after so many years of hating each other. There are days that it feels like it isn't worth it.<br />
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But then I watch our children together in the pool and remember that it is worth it. It isn't easy, but in the end it'll be the best thing I've ever done for them, reconciling their family, showing Anthony (because he knows the situation) what true forgiveness is, that all things are possible, than anything can be forgiven. And it is worth it to know that our souls are safe in God's hands, that we're both forgiven for all of the things we've done, because neither of us are perfect. To know that God has forgiven us, and that reminds me that it's okay to forgive my brother, even though it's hard.<br />
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God saved me. He saved us both, and out of the ashes came beauty.Courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16098775489846879005noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6465694370329942400.post-69613688011324132952012-04-29T21:07:00.001-07:002012-04-29T21:07:49.146-07:00Forever!<div><p>Ive not blogged in forever, but today I want to scream from the rooftops. My sweet Ali was baptized by her daddy today! So precious and special for them both. I'm so proud of her choice to follow Christ forever so she can, in her words " have your sins gone and have that surprise waiting right in front of you!" I asked her what surprise and she yelled "Heaven". Oh how I want to long for Him the way she does. Praying we can be the best examples possible for her.</p>
<br/><img src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8wecJC-Beuc1etEupp0Cka_PBRL7iG4YxAM4QZBH6-ZxRvZOdMLr45Le-IPLIc_3oHA6ihyB1i6j7AvqEsLSBvlXiBYl1R4QLp-x64y8uz5F3cUWLxqGCCQ5vSPscon5XL9A1QLO4-KA/' /><br/><img src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5X04jQQzhVsI5kGrmrckRD8GB7j39JcJ7B7r_nJ_hzab7ex9N0VcsoY_kA9zIq3t1iXTgXKgKOq52ic757hbAreGXmME-2SB_M6wcJ48skgTTxyx-QjARYiXhXBKT5Vwrr4NtSJAVZNo/' /></div>Courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16098775489846879005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6465694370329942400.post-70468133981510317672012-03-08T12:46:00.001-08:002012-03-08T12:46:54.877-08:00Kony 2012<div><p><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4MnpzG5Sqc&feature=youtube_gdata_player">Watch "KONY 2012" on YouTube</a></p>
<p>If you do nothing else today, please watch this video. Please. It seems long, but I promise you when you watch it, it won't. Joseph Kony has spent over 20 years kidnapping and enslaving children in Africa. He turns the boys into soldiers, and the girls into sex slaves. He has to be stopped. Something has to be done. Please watch the video and share it with everyone you know. We can stop this man. The time is now.</p>
</div>Courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16098775489846879005noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6465694370329942400.post-26684262462226977382012-03-07T23:10:00.001-08:002012-03-07T23:10:19.524-08:00The Lifted WeightI have always hated change.<div>
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Always.</div>
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But right now, even with all of the huge changes going on in our lives, I feel free. I feel this weight lifted off of me. I feel like I can breathe again. Rest again.</div>
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Today has been a day of encouragement for me, of hope of the future. I am so thankful to God for all of the things he has blessed us with. I can't even begin to fathom why he would give us these amazing things, but I am so very grateful.</div>
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In the last several weeks my Bible has been used more that it has in the last year, I would think. But not just my Bible, my Greek/Hebrew interlinear, and my red pen. Yes, my red pen. My trusty ole red pen. I've learned so many things, gained insight on things I never even thought about before. And I'm so very excited about it. I WANT to study my Bible. I WANT to know more. I WANT to <i>learn</i>, and <i>feel</i> and <i>live</i> every single word breathed by our God.</div>
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Right now in our Sunday morning class at church our study is titled <i>The Longest Day</i>. It is a 12 week class studying the last day of our Lord's life. We've only had one lesson, and already I can feel it transforming my heart. One of the coolest part is that our minister spent so much time preparing a book for us to study from. In the back of the book is a 4 into 1 Gospel harmony. He took all four of the gospels and merged them together to paint the most detailed picture we can get of that horrid last day.</div>
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I can not wait to see how lives are transformed, how my life is transformed, after learning, making captive in my heart, the knowledge, the true understanding of what Jesus did for me that day. For you. For us all.</div>
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And now that I've blogged, and cleaned my entire house at 1 in the morning, I think I'll sit back and read, and perhaps sleep will come tonight.</div>
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Love to all <3</div>Courtneyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16098775489846879005noreply@blogger.com0