Today I'm dealing with anger. I'm angry about a lot of things. I'm angry at life. I'm angry at certain people. I'm angry at circumstances. I'm just angry. It comes and goes throughout the day. At times I am so angry I want to throw something through a window, and then times like right now, I just know that I am angry, but I don't feel it as uncontrollably or strongly.
My husband isn't well today. He slept until one, and then we went to town for a few hours with the kids. When we got home he went immediately back to bed. My house is a disaster, we have ladies Bible study here tomorrow, I still haven't done my lesson, and my parents are here. I can't really bring myself to care enough to do anything about it. Not *really*. If I cared, I wouldn't be sitting here on the floor rambling trying to ignore the anger simmering under the surface.
Life is so complicated. I'm so tired. I have been sick for a week, and I honestly think I'm getting sick again. You have GOT to be kidding me. Sigh. I can't be sick. My husband is sick. I have kids to take care of. I have a house to clean. I have to do laundry. I have to get Ali's things ready for school tomorrow. I realize that I'm whining. Feel free to tune me out now.
I have been numb for weeks. I haven't been able to feel anything. Now all of a sudden there is this anger, and the only way I can express it is to cry, and I don't want to cry. Not now, not with my mother here. I just want to run away. I wanted to run off in the rain today. Sigh. I don't have much else to say. I don't have anything, really. We're watching Finding Nemo. My husband is in bed, my daughter 5 year old daughter is taking a shower and getting ready for bed because she has school tomorrow. I just want to run away. Sigh.
I've been thinking of posting some poetry on here. I have posted one poem, but the rest are really ugly and morbid, so I haven't posted them. I want this blog to bring hope, even through all of my morbid depressing posts :). But I think I might have something suitable to post here. Let me see if I can find something.
It's all I feel It's all that's real This pain inside That nothing heals
It isn't fate This aching hate The hurt and lies That you create
You take it all Until I fall You twist my words Until I crawl
Upon my knees You laugh at me You beat me down Till I can't see
But here I am And here I stand You can't break me No, not again
Over the years And through my tears I've lost it all Even my fears
And though you've won It isn't done You will get yours When that time comes.
I'm a wife. I'm a mom. I'm a photographer. I'm a lover of Jesus. My house is a mess, my kids are dirty, we eat take out more often than not. My life is loud, busy and crazy. And that's okay with me.
This is Eric, the man you've been praying for. He's a paramedic. He quilts in his spare time. No, I couldn't make that up :) He has NASH (a form of liver disease, non-alcoholic) and diabetes, but those things don't define him. He's a man of God, an insanely wonderful husband, and the best daddy in the world.. Just ask these guys..
Our daughter Ali, she's 9. She's fiercely opinionated and strong willed. She's a Daddy's girl, but the umbilical cord hasn't but cut from me, either. She's a gymnast, and proud of it. She spends more time upside down or turning flips than she does walking. She's crazy smart, and absolutely sure of it. She is my insufferable little know it all.
Our son Dylan, 7. We lovingly refer to him as Chubs. Or Chubby. Or fat boy. Ahem. He is all boy, as you can see by his crazy wild energy. He has the highest pain tolerance of any child I have ever met. He plays soccer and does gymnastics, but truly he is a gamer, a nerd. He is an avid reader and loves to climb. Not to be outdone by his sister, he's a drama king, but to him, I'm the best mommy in the world.
I'm here to use my voice. So many people can't. In a world of darkness, I just want to help God's light to shine through. I pray that my words are His, and my love is His, as well. This is my journey through the darkness. To start are the beginning of the story, click here.