I haven't decided if I really am just *this* strong, or if I'm' emotionally numb and incapable of dealing with and or processing anything. I haven't blogged in a while because I'm not really sure what to say. Don't get me wrong, there are a LOT of things I would like to say, just nothing that I should say. There are so many facets of things going on in this family right now that my brain has decided that it's entirely too much to deal with. And so I'm not. Or something. Or maybe I'm just super woman and didn't know it. I haven't decided yet.

It's like things keep coming at me. And just when I think I couldn't possibly take any more, something else happens, and instead of collapsing like I think I will, I just stand here. Sometimes I think I'm standing here with my mouth hanging open, dumbstruck, but I'm still standing. I think, somewhere last night in the midst of a pain pill stupor (I pulled out my back) I decided that it was God. I decided that there was no way that I was personally this strong and that if I really am standing here, it's Him. It has to be. There is no other explanation.

Which brings me to my next point.

Why?

Why does He help me stand strong? I don't deserve it. I deserve to fall on my face. I don't live like I should. I'm not the Christian I should be. I'm not the Christian I *want* to be. But He still holds on to me. Holds me up. I don't understand it. But I am ever so grateful. I don't have a lot to say today. I still don't understand how I'm still here. I still feel like I'm' going to fall over at any minute. Like I'm just going to collapse. And it'll all catch up with me and swallow me whole. But I'm still standing here, for now.