I haven't decided if I really am just *this* strong, or if I'm' emotionally numb and incapable of dealing with and or processing anything. I haven't blogged in a while because I'm not really sure what to say. Don't get me wrong, there are a LOT of things I would like to say, just nothing that I should say. There are so many facets of things going on in this family right now that my brain has decided that it's entirely too much to deal with. And so I'm not. Or something. Or maybe I'm just super woman and didn't know it. I haven't decided yet.
It's like things keep coming at me. And just when I think I couldn't possibly take any more, something else happens, and instead of collapsing like I think I will, I just stand here. Sometimes I think I'm standing here with my mouth hanging open, dumbstruck, but I'm still standing. I think, somewhere last night in the midst of a pain pill stupor (I pulled out my back) I decided that it was God. I decided that there was no way that I was personally this strong and that if I really am standing here, it's Him. It has to be. There is no other explanation.
Which brings me to my next point.
Why does He help me stand strong? I don't deserve it. I deserve to fall on my face. I don't live like I should. I'm not the Christian I should be. I'm not the Christian I *want* to be. But He still holds on to me. Holds me up. I don't understand it. But I am ever so grateful. I don't have a lot to say today. I still don't understand how I'm still here. I still feel like I'm' going to fall over at any minute. Like I'm just going to collapse. And it'll all catch up with me and swallow me whole. But I'm still standing here, for now.
I'm a wife. I'm a mom. I'm a photographer. I'm a lover of Jesus. My house is a mess, my kids are dirty, we eat take out more often than not. My life is loud, busy and crazy. And that's okay with me.
This is Eric, the man you've been praying for. He's a paramedic. He quilts in his spare time. No, I couldn't make that up :) He has NASH (a form of liver disease, non-alcoholic) and diabetes, but those things don't define him. He's a man of God, an insanely wonderful husband, and the best daddy in the world.. Just ask these guys..
Our daughter Ali, she's 9. She's fiercely opinionated and strong willed. She's a Daddy's girl, but the umbilical cord hasn't but cut from me, either. She's a gymnast, and proud of it. She spends more time upside down or turning flips than she does walking. She's crazy smart, and absolutely sure of it. She is my insufferable little know it all.
Our son Dylan, 7. We lovingly refer to him as Chubs. Or Chubby. Or fat boy. Ahem. He is all boy, as you can see by his crazy wild energy. He has the highest pain tolerance of any child I have ever met. He plays soccer and does gymnastics, but truly he is a gamer, a nerd. He is an avid reader and loves to climb. Not to be outdone by his sister, he's a drama king, but to him, I'm the best mommy in the world.
I'm here to use my voice. So many people can't. In a world of darkness, I just want to help God's light to shine through. I pray that my words are His, and my love is His, as well. This is my journey through the darkness. To start are the beginning of the story, click here.