The hurt is pouring out of me today. Out of every pore, every thought, every tear. There is hurt. There is grief. There is... emptiness. I feel so very alone. As though there isn't anyone in the world who knows. Who cares. What a selfish thing to feel. I know that this isn't just my hurt. And yet, I feel so isolated. I feel as though I'm just wandering today. Wandering around lost and wondering why I'm still fighting this mess. I'm tired of hurting, and tired of fighting. Tired of holding everything together for everyone else. It just seems that I don't have a choice. I feel so lost.
I was going to write a long post. But the more I think the worse it gets, and I don't want to leave you with that. I don't want this blog to tear everyone else down. So I'll continue now with what I was going to write about yesterday.
I was sitting on my bed folding laundry. I had the computer open and music playing. My five year old came into my room, handed me her Bible and asked me if I could read it to her. I will admit to you all that the first thought I had was 'not now honey, I'm busy'. But I didn't want to have to explain that to God, so I said 'sure honey'. She crawled up onto my bed and I asked her what she wanted me to read. She said 'The red words, Mommy'. Oh how precious are those words. So I opened up her little green Bible to Matthew and read the very first 'red words' I could find. Matthew 3:15 But Jesus answered and said to him, 'Permit it to be so now, for thus is fitting for us to fulfill all righteousness.' I found the context, seeing that it was the story of Christ's baptism. So I backed up to the beginning of chapter three and read the whole story to her. She told me the story back, but when she came to the part about the spirit of God descending like a dove, she got confused and said that Jesus had gone up to Heaven. I said 'Jesus did go up to Heaven like that, but not there. Would you like me to read that story to you, too?' She said yes. By this time my 3 year old son was listening, too. I went to the end of John. I read about how the disciples had been fishing all night and didn't catch anything, but when Jesus told them to cast out on the right side of the boat their nets overflowed. I read through the end of John, through the beginning of Acts, until Jesus had gone up in the clouds. They listened and then when I was done reading, I opened up my blog, and let the music play. The second song came on, and I listened as my son sang along, singing aweuuya over and over and over again. It was such a sweet moment. A sweet wonderful moment that I might have missed out on. But I didn't. And I'll always remember that moment. I'll always remember them, in all their innocent glory. I love to watch them love God. They don't really want anything but to go to Heaven. When I was done my daughter asked me 'Mommy, when will I get to see Jesus go into Heaven?'. I said honey He's already gone into Heaven, but you'll get to see Him when He comes back to get us. 'Is He coming to get us, Mommy?' 'Yes, baby, He's coming to get all of us who love Him and obey His word.' 'Well, I love Him, Mommy, and God too. All the way to Heaven and back!' 'I know you do baby, I know you do.' My son says 'I love Jesus too, Mommy. And I love you'. I'll never ever forget those sweet words.
I'm a wife. I'm a mom. I'm a photographer. I'm a lover of Jesus. My house is a mess, my kids are dirty, we eat take out more often than not. My life is loud, busy and crazy. And that's okay with me.
This is Eric, the man you've been praying for. He's a paramedic. He quilts in his spare time. No, I couldn't make that up :) He has NASH (a form of liver disease, non-alcoholic) and diabetes, but those things don't define him. He's a man of God, an insanely wonderful husband, and the best daddy in the world.. Just ask these guys..
Our daughter Ali, she's 9. She's fiercely opinionated and strong willed. She's a Daddy's girl, but the umbilical cord hasn't but cut from me, either. She's a gymnast, and proud of it. She spends more time upside down or turning flips than she does walking. She's crazy smart, and absolutely sure of it. She is my insufferable little know it all.
Our son Dylan, 7. We lovingly refer to him as Chubs. Or Chubby. Or fat boy. Ahem. He is all boy, as you can see by his crazy wild energy. He has the highest pain tolerance of any child I have ever met. He plays soccer and does gymnastics, but truly he is a gamer, a nerd. He is an avid reader and loves to climb. Not to be outdone by his sister, he's a drama king, but to him, I'm the best mommy in the world.
I'm here to use my voice. So many people can't. In a world of darkness, I just want to help God's light to shine through. I pray that my words are His, and my love is His, as well. This is my journey through the darkness. To start are the beginning of the story, click here.