I find myself wanting to be "out there." Whatever that means. I'm spending a little more time on social media, having returned to the twiterverse,  and I've been taught the ins and outs of instagram thanks to my beautiful mini-me. I started another blog that I share with my facebook friends and family but I find myself editing myself there. I'm not really sure what I feel about that. Apparently as open as I *think* I am, I am not. I still have these two sides, and while I feel like I'm am more in tune with who I am, (and this, this blog, this personality, this person, is who I am) I'm not sure anyone else it. This is the place where I can say whatever and be whoever and not worry about anything and so here I am saying it. But I'm hiding from the people I know in real life. And why?!

Am I really afraid that they wouldn't love me for me? I mean, really, who am I anyway. I think there are a few people in my real life that I could share this blog with and feel comfortable with it. But I think I'm less afraid of them not loving me and just more that I'm sheltering myself from any judgement because I don't want to deal with the bs. I guess that's not really who I claim to be, though. I claim to be fearless. Maybe some day when I'm not putting everyone else's emotional needs above my own I can truly be who I really am. I can just say to anyone and everyone listening that hey I was abused and this is the person who did it and I've pretty much forgiven him and on 2/3 of the days of the year we can have conversations in the same room and be fine so really you probably should forgive him too but I know you probably won't and that's fine too, but hey this is how it is

And this is who I am. I like to wear black and I like rock music, but also my daughter has dragged me into the top 40 charts. I love Pentatonix and Lindsey Stirling and reality shows like xfactor and american idol are my crack. I like to draw though I'm no good, and I'm a fantastic photographer if I could get the motivation to get off the couch and do it. I love to sing but am not a good singer. But I love to sing, man I love to sing. Music makes my heart so happy.

I LOVE to laugh and I'm sarcastic to a fault. I love DEEPLY. Probably too deeply. Way too deeply sometimes. I love Jesus. I claim to be a Christian but I am failing at it right now. I fear I've ruined my children and I say a lot of words that I shouldn't. That's a habit I'm trying to break. Again. I don't know the last time I picked up my Bible and we've gone from the family never misses services to the family who gets those passive aggressive "missed you this morning" texts from elder's wives when we don't show up again. I'm trying to get things under control. I am.

I have chiari and I'm bi-polar as crap. I take my medication but sometimes it isn't enough. I obviously have PTSD and my life is not simple. But it's so much better than it's ever been before. I'm 31 and I feel as though I'm just at the very beginning of things. I'm so okay with that.

I connect really deeply with characters in books and TV shows. There's one that genuinely won't ever go away. No I'm not telling you what character it is. I feel like enough of a nerd. Maybe I'll tell you in private :D

I keep finding myself wanting to stand up and say hey this is me and I want to change the world. I want to do big great wonderful things and I can't because I just can't quite cross over the threshold of putting all of me out there to everyone. So here I am. Again.

I really need to grow a pair.