Have you ever just felt attacked?

I have.

I do.

I am.

Feeling attacked, that is.

I started this blog post well over a week ago, maybe more. The only thing I wrote was the first line. I've had a few people ask me why I haven't been blogging lately, and I'm not sure I have an answer.. Right now, my answer would be because I broke the 'a' key on my keyboard. But, since I just did that, I don't think I can get away with that as an excuse. So, maybe I haven't been blogging because I've been shut off. I've literally shut everyone out, even my closest friends. It's a surprise that I have any friends left at all, really. I think it's the only way I've been able to cope with the chaos going on. So, if you're one of those I've shut out, especially when you've been trying to be there for me... I'm sorry. I truly, truly am. But I'm getting off topic. Again.

Attacked. Very. I'm told that if Satan isn't trying to get you, he already has you. I think (at least I hope) I have found this statement to be very true. The harder I try to be close to God, the harder I try to live for him, the more attacked I feel. And sometimes, it's just blatant. It's like Satan has taken off the gloves, so to speak. There are times that I very much feel like Job, even though, to be honest, I don't dare compare myself to a man of such faith. But seriously. That is indeed how it feels at times. Like he is attacking every aspect of my life. Looking for every weak spot, every vulnerability, and then taking full advantage of it. One hit after another hit. Hits that are hitting close to home. He knows my weaknesses. He takes advantage of them. At least, that's how it feels to me. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he's just taking blind shots. But.. it certainly doesn't feel that way.

I feel spiritual warfare being waged around me. I feel like I'm being tugged on from both sides. Like Satan is yanking me this way, causing disaster after disaster, crisis after crisis, and God is on the other side, calling my name. The harder I try to get to God, the more Satan throws at me. The more I try to do for God, the uglier it gets from Satan. I know that Christ has already won this battle. I know the ending. I know. I've read the end of the story. Nevertheless, Satan isn't giving up. He knows the ending of the story, too. He also knows that I have free will. I feel like he's trying to just wear me down. Maybe he thinks that eventually I'll be too weak to fight back. That maybe if he keeps causing chaos and hurt in my life that eventually I'll blame God. He couldn't be more wrong.

God didn't do this. He didn't cause this hurt. He didn't cause this pain. He wants the best for me. Jeremiah 29:11-12 says 'For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.'

God has hope for me. A future. He didn't do this to me, and I am certainly not going to put the blame on Him. God wants the best for me. But Satan wants to devour me. Lately it feels like he wants it badly. But I'm still hanging on.

I started this blog all those months ago with the intention of helping others find their voice just by using mine. I think along the way, I've faltered in that. When things get bad I don't' want to post because I am afraid of bringing others down. But a dear friend encouraged me to blog today. She said, and I quote 'you. don't. know. how. many. girls. you. are. inspiring.' And I thought, you know, she's right. That was my whole intention. My intention was to help someone else, even if only one person, see that they can speak up, too. They don't have to be silent. You don't have to be silent. God is with you. God loves you, and he wants what is best for you, always. And even if you feel torn, keep fighting. It will be worth it, in the end.

So, this is me, standing up to enemy fire.