I haven't blogged in a while. 'A' has been on me about blogging. She says 'it isn't Monday anymore':) I know. So here I am. I tweeted yesterday that my world had shattered. It has indeed shattered. I was going to blog last night, just so that my sweet friend Kim wouldn't worry after that tweet, but she contacted me by email, so I figured since no one else had contacted me, I had a little time to sort my thoughts. That was stupid, bc I still haven't sorted my thoughts. I don't even have any clue of what to think, or how to think. I can't feel anything. I am the epitome of numb. I don't expect that it will last much longer. I'm sure it's a defense mechanism. I know it is. In fact, I feel panic welling up now. I want to run away. I guess I should explain.

Most of you who read my blog have started from the beginning. You know the story. I don't know that you know all the story. So I'll just throw some new stuff in. Last fall I knew that my brother was coming for Christmas. I was terrified. I was suicidal. I was a mess. For months I was irrational. Terrified. When they finally got here, I turned everything off. I was numb. I survived. When they left I broke down. It was awful. I was so messed up. I knew they would only be here for a few days, and even then, I couldn't handle it. One night about two months before Christmas my phone rang. It was my brother, and I didn't answer it. I hadn't been answering his calls for a while, so I was unsure why he thought I would answer it then. So he sent me a text message saying he has sent me an email. He knew I would check it. I fell, for it, and he was waiting for me when I got online. He was was trying to be nice, and I wasn't having it. So he wanted to know what my problem with him is. I was astounded. He really didn't know. So, I told him. And he still didn't get it. I mean, he got it, but he had no remorse. None at all. As a matter of fact as far as he was concerned his life was horrible and he said and I quote 'It's okay, you 'cope' with this and live your happy life'. He had no remorse. So when he came at Christmas, I was devastated to even have to look at his face.

A few months after Christmas apparently his wife started asking questions and he told her that I didn't want him around my kids because he and I had an affair when I was younger. An affair. How dare he? She told other people, and it got back to my family, and eventually back to my mother. My mother called him immediately and asked him what he was thinking. He told her then that it wasn't just his fault, that I was sleeping with not only him but two of my other cousins too. I just walked away.

I haven't heard from him since then. I've spoken to his wife a few times, but not him. He pretty much backed off. I knew something was brewing though, because I've been on the defense for months. A few weeks ago they were talking about coming to stay with my parents for a while. I tried to not let it affect me, bc I didn't really believe for a minute it would happen. Then they told my mom that they decided to stay where they were, and I blew out a sigh of relief. So three days ago I was in bed. It was early in the morning and my phone rang. It was his phone. I assumed it was his wife, but for my safety I didn't answer. I just went back to sleep. About an hour later it rang again. His number again. I figured something must be wrong, so I very reluctantly answered the phone. It was him. He spoke to me as if nothing was wrong. He asked if I was sleeping. For some reason, I tried to be nice. I said yes I was sleeping what's up? He said my nephew wanted to talk to me, so I talked to my nephew and hung up, and went back to sleep. Later in the day after leaving the chiropractor, he called again. I didn't answer. When I got home I asked my mother if she had talked to him that day. She said why and I said bc he keeps calling. She said yeah.. and she showed me a text he had sent her earlier in the day asking if it would be a bad idea to move back to where we live bc of me. I have no idea what she said back to him, but that in and of itself was a slap in the face. I know none of this is very articulate. I thought I could tell this story better, but I'm a bit nervous and anxious. Anyhow. She looks at me, my mother, that is, and says 'he's very sorry for everything and he says other than your dad and I you're the only family he has and he misses the relationship you used to have and he wants to make it right.' Or something to that effect. I didn't say a word. I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I don't like for her to see me upset, so I just let it go. Later he called again. I didn't answer. I was online, and so was my mother, and I told her he kept calling . I said I need time. I can't deal with this right now. I need time. She said 'take all the time you need'. Everyone that night kept telling me that the ball was in my court, that he had to play by my rules, etc. I tried to agree, tried to believe that. But it's never been that way, and to be honest, it's hard for me to believe that he'd ever do anything by my rules.

So. Before I continue this story, let me give you some of my opinions. I feel as though I'm being played. I feel as though this is all a game to him. He's doing what benefits him the most. In the last several months he has become increasingly ill. He can't work due to his illness and he has no where to go. His wife couldn't find a job, and they couldn't pay their bills. That's why they wanted to come stay with my parents. I feel as though one of two things happened. He either knew that if they came here things would be awful and tense and my dad would find out and kill him, or my mother told him he had to make it right before he came. I'm unsure of which, but I don't believe after all the things that happened, after all the things he's said over the past year, that all of a sudden he's remorseful. If he were, the next thing I tell you wouldn't have happened. He would have apologized and left well enough alone. No, not him. Not ever.

Tuesday afternoon my friend 'P' called and asked if I wanted to go out with her and some friends from work. Actually, she started out as my husbands friend's, and they all work with him. I didn't want to go. I was depressed and I didn't want to deal with people. But 'S' talked me into going. I asked my mom if she would babysit. I told her it would be like 9:30 in the morning and figured that would be too early for her, but she said 'sure, you need a day to relax'. I should have known then something was up. Wednesday morning I get up and get ready. My mother and 'P' pull into the driveway at the same time. They come in, I'm getting my stuff together. My kids were just waking up. I reached into my mother's purse to get a xanax, bc, well, mine were in the other room, and I knew I would need one. She asked me what I was doing and I told her. And that's when it happened. She said 'take several, you're going to need them.' I froze. I looked at her. I knew. I knew right then something was bad wrong. (ha, that's her phrase, 'bad wrong'. Like mother like daughter) I dared to say 'why'. Like I didn't know. She said 'they're going to be here today. They left last night'. 'LAST NIGHT? AND YOU DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD BE APPROPRIATE TO TELL ME, I DON'T KNOW, LAST NIGHT?!?!?!?!' I was shocked. How could she not tell me. Not warn me? 'I wanted you to get a good night's sleep'. You have got to be kidding me. I didn't freak out. I said 'okay'. I kissed my kids and told them I loved them and to behave and I left with a smile on my face. I got in the car, and started screaming and yelling. About fifteen minutes later I realized that if they left last night, they should be close. I assumed they would be here early afternoon. I was right.

I went out with my friends. We were out on the lake having a pretty decent time. 'P' got a text message that there was a call in their area. They all work for EMS. That was my husband's call. We didn't think anything of it. My phone then rang. My mother tells me that they got here, their car broke down and my brother's wife passed out in the heat and someone called 911. My husband got the call. It took me a whole three minutes to put two and two together but luckily I got a hold of him before he walked into that without knowing it was them. He needed the time to collect himself.

I put that last paragraph so you guys could see just how my life works. It's total chaos. If something can go wrong, it generally does. I haven't freaked out yet. Not really. I haven't even really cried yet. Like I said before, I don't think that'll be lasting long. My whole world is about to change, and I didn't even get 48 hours to process it. I got like, IDK, 3 hours. Yeah. They're staying with my parents. They're going to go to church with us. How do I explain to my 5 year old daughter that she can't go stay with her grandparents anymore? They stay over there all the time. How can I explain that she can't see her Aunt and Uncle. My kids have no clue. They love their Aunt and Uncle. My daughter especially has spent a lot of time with them. It breaks my heart to tell her no, we can't go over there. I belong there. That's my mother's house. And I can't even go there anymore without seeing him. I hate this all. I'm starting to break apart, little bit by little bit. I can feel it. I hurt so much. As far as I know, they're here for good. She'll start looking for a job soon, and then they'll find a place to live nearby. As far as I know they're now a part of my world, whether I like it or not. How do I handle this? I can't breathe. My chest hurts. I feel as though I'm little again. Like I have no control. Of course I don't. I never have. I hate all of this. I can't deal with this. I can't. I'm sorry. I thought I could do this without losing it, but apparently I was wrong. Please pray for us. This is a hard road to walk. I hurt, I hate it all. And as if I didn't have enough going on.. I feel like I've been slapped in the face.

My husband was able to get in with the dr this morning. They're doing blood work to rule out a chronic form of leukemia, and also he is having an ultrasound done on the 17th, and a biopsy on the 18th. The last biopsy he had was very painful and traumatic for him. I'm shocked he even agreed to have another one, so please pray that this one won't be as traumatic. They'll also be doing a sleep study soon, too. So. Life is hectic here. Life is crazy here. I'm trying to take things one breath at a time. It really isn't real to me. I'm sure when I see him at church on Sunday it'll hit me. What a good time to break down. Huh? Yeah. So. Onward we go. Shattered, and all.