I am a big bundle of nerves today. I feel this knot in my stomach, I can barely eat, I think I might be ill. I don't do well with conflict. I don't do well with being spoken to like I'm nothing, either, but we won't go there.

I feel so broken. I have been thinking for days that I'm not really as messed up as I seem. I thought, you know, maybe I'm looking for attention with some of the things I 'feel'. They most certainly don't seem real. And then last night all of those delusions came crashing to the ground. It amazes me how the harsh words of one man can send me cowering like a little girl. I won't go into the story, but I was, to say the least, hysterical. My hands were shaking. Like I couldn't open my medicine bottle they were shaking so badly. I tried to sit with my husband and kids during worship, but I was sitting two pews behind this man who was so harsh with me, and all I could hear were his words, see the look in his eyes. I asked for the keys from my husband, and took my purse, and went out to the car. Taking my purse was a statement. I'm not coming back. My mother and 'S' followed. I told Mom to go back inside. She's really protective of us, and I didn't want her mad at someone else. 'S' sat with me until I was calm. I sat in my car, curled in a ball, unable to breathe, crying hysterically. After about a minute of that, I forced myself to be okay. I went back in, just as worship was starting, and sat with my husband. I cried the entire time. I secretly hoped he would hear me, see how much he upset me. But he never acknowledged my presence. Anyhow. I've attempted to take care of the situation the best I know how right now, I'm just amazed at how much something like that could affect me.

I'm small, I have no control. I'm broken and terrified. I mean terrified. I cried myself to sleep at 2ish, this morning, and actually probably didn't get good and asleep until closer to four. It was the first thing I thought of when I woke up this morning. I'm just not well emotionally right now, and that didn't help, at all. My mind is pre-occupied with this one incident. And it amazes me.

I think back. My entire life I've been a people pleaser. I can't handle having people upset with me, or angry at me. For the first few years of our marriage, I couldn't fight with my husband bc I couldn't handle him being angry at me, or yelling at me. I couldn't handle that. In school I just wanted to make everyone happy. When I was a little girl, if I got yelled at, I was exactly like this. I'll do whatever I can to fix it, you know? Tell me right now what to do, and I'll do it, if you just won't be mad at me. I thought that would be the case last night, and partially it was, but I was so afraid, so terrified, that I had to leave. I couldn't deal with it right then. I can't, even now, comprehend the feelings I had last night. The feelings of terror and panic and fear. I'm blown away at myself. I don't even know how to approach this. Anyhow, I needed to get some of this out of my head. It's hard when I feel like it isn't my place to say too much, but I feel like if I don't get some of this out, I'm going to explode.

I'm just shocked now at my reactions. This is such a hard road.