I am a big bundle of nerves today. I feel this knot in my stomach, I can barely eat, I think I might be ill. I don't do well with conflict. I don't do well with being spoken to like I'm nothing, either, but we won't go there.

I feel so broken. I have been thinking for days that I'm not really as messed up as I seem. I thought, you know, maybe I'm looking for attention with some of the things I 'feel'. They most certainly don't seem real. And then last night all of those delusions came crashing to the ground. It amazes me how the harsh words of one man can send me cowering like a little girl. I won't go into the story, but I was, to say the least, hysterical. My hands were shaking. Like I couldn't open my medicine bottle they were shaking so badly. I tried to sit with my husband and kids during worship, but I was sitting two pews behind this man who was so harsh with me, and all I could hear were his words, see the look in his eyes. I asked for the keys from my husband, and took my purse, and went out to the car. Taking my purse was a statement. I'm not coming back. My mother and 'S' followed. I told Mom to go back inside. She's really protective of us, and I didn't want her mad at someone else. 'S' sat with me until I was calm. I sat in my car, curled in a ball, unable to breathe, crying hysterically. After about a minute of that, I forced myself to be okay. I went back in, just as worship was starting, and sat with my husband. I cried the entire time. I secretly hoped he would hear me, see how much he upset me. But he never acknowledged my presence. Anyhow. I've attempted to take care of the situation the best I know how right now, I'm just amazed at how much something like that could affect me.

I'm small, I have no control. I'm broken and terrified. I mean terrified. I cried myself to sleep at 2ish, this morning, and actually probably didn't get good and asleep until closer to four. It was the first thing I thought of when I woke up this morning. I'm just not well emotionally right now, and that didn't help, at all. My mind is pre-occupied with this one incident. And it amazes me.

I think back. My entire life I've been a people pleaser. I can't handle having people upset with me, or angry at me. For the first few years of our marriage, I couldn't fight with my husband bc I couldn't handle him being angry at me, or yelling at me. I couldn't handle that. In school I just wanted to make everyone happy. When I was a little girl, if I got yelled at, I was exactly like this. I'll do whatever I can to fix it, you know? Tell me right now what to do, and I'll do it, if you just won't be mad at me. I thought that would be the case last night, and partially it was, but I was so afraid, so terrified, that I had to leave. I couldn't deal with it right then. I can't, even now, comprehend the feelings I had last night. The feelings of terror and panic and fear. I'm blown away at myself. I don't even know how to approach this. Anyhow, I needed to get some of this out of my head. It's hard when I feel like it isn't my place to say too much, but I feel like if I don't get some of this out, I'm going to explode.

I'm just shocked now at my reactions. This is such a hard road.
2 Responses
  1. kimv Says:

    I came upon your blog this past Tuesday from Not Me Monday and was so drawn in by your story I spent most of the afternoon reading it from beginning to end - even if it was the busiest day of the month for me at work. I don't have a blog of my own, but there are a few that I like to read, including MyCharmingKids.

    I, too, was saved as a very young girl - that we have in commmon, but I must say that I cannot even imagine what you have been through or how you are feeling as you are now trying to work through all of this. As I read your blog, at times I am amazed at your strength and humor and outlook and at other times I am broken with you as you share your fears, worries and struggles. I don't know that there is anything I can do for you . . . other than to become a prayer warrior on your behalf. I have such a stong yearning to lift you up to our great, gracious and merciful God, Who loves you so much!!!! I want to tell you how wonderful you are - a precious child of God who has suffered so much and who is deserving of forgiveness, love, and healing - allowed to feel all of the emotions you have been feeling WITHOUT any guilt. As your sister in Christ, I want you to know that I am here for you - that I will be praying for you every day. For some reason, out of all the 400 and some blogs that posted on Not Me Monday - YOURS was the ONE I clicked on! I feel God brought me here for a reason - for you.

    May God give you a night of peaceful rest tonight. I pray that you will feel His presence and His love and that He will still your mind from all of the turmoil and thoughts. I pray that He will give you peace in this moment and that He will carry you through each day as you are walking through this process of healing. I pray this in Jesus' precious name - AMEN.

    Your Sister in Christ - Kim

  2. Broken Says:

    if you come back to this, and read this comment, thank you. You have no idea what your words mean. I was wondering if there was some way we could keep in touch, via email, maybe. Mine is livbroken@gmail.com.. Thank you so very much.

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