I dreamt of him last night. Well, it was this morning, as that was the dream I awakened from by the alarm. I didn't want to get up. I didn't want the dream, but I was so tired when I woke up that I would have just stayed there if I could. I know it doesn't make any sense. Welcome to my life. Today is Sunday. I know I've said it a thousand times, but Sundays are hard. Sigh. Now I'm just being redundant. Oh well.
I feel far from God today. Not that God is far away, just that I'm not in the place I should be as a Christian. I know God is near, God is always near. I know that this is my fault. I just want to be near Him. I want to feel close to Him. I have always been told that Christianity isn't about your feelings or emotions. I don't agree wholeheartedly with that statement. There's a sermon I'd love to share sometime that I heard once. Maybe I can find a way to upload it here. Anyhow. I think it has a lot to do with feelings and emotions. I mean, after all, God gave me these emotions. Bleh. Back to where I was. I feel so far from Him. Like I'm not a good Christian. I could go into how no one is perfect and no one is better than anyone else and how it's God's grace that saves us through faith and obedience, but really, right now, I don't feel good enough. I know. I know. I hurt. I feel so far from Him. Like there is so much more that I could do. I mean really, what makes a person a good Christian? I want nothing more than to just go Home. If God wanted to come get me today, I would be so totally okay with that. I long for that day. I crave him in ways that I can't explain. I long for the day when this pain will be a distant memory. But I am human. And I sin. A lot. But does that make me a bad Christian? I hate this. I hate all of this uncertainty in my head. I don't know who or what I am. I just want Him. That's all. I need Him to be close. And yet, I don't even know how to pray. I need something tangible. I can't do this. I should be so much more than I am. I feel guilt. So much guilt and sorrow for everything. Maybe that's what this is. One big guilt trip. I don't know. I just know that I hurt and feel so far from Him. I feel like I should do so much better. I can't even say what I mean right now. I don't know how to articulate this. It gives new meaning to the phrase 'groanings we can not utter'. I know that's how I feel right now. I just want Him. I just don't know how to get there, anymore. I want to do right. I want to live right. Righteous. For Him. I just have to find my way through this pain. This guilt. It isn't fair. None of this is fair. It's in moments like these that I wonder 'what if'. Who would I be had this never happened? Who was I supposed to be? I suppose I'll never know. I feel so far, so alone. I just want to go home.
I'm a wife. I'm a mom. I'm a photographer. I'm a lover of Jesus. My house is a mess, my kids are dirty, we eat take out more often than not. My life is loud, busy and crazy. And that's okay with me.
This is Eric, the man you've been praying for. He's a paramedic. He quilts in his spare time. No, I couldn't make that up :) He has NASH (a form of liver disease, non-alcoholic) and diabetes, but those things don't define him. He's a man of God, an insanely wonderful husband, and the best daddy in the world.. Just ask these guys..
Our daughter Ali, she's 9. She's fiercely opinionated and strong willed. She's a Daddy's girl, but the umbilical cord hasn't but cut from me, either. She's a gymnast, and proud of it. She spends more time upside down or turning flips than she does walking. She's crazy smart, and absolutely sure of it. She is my insufferable little know it all.
Our son Dylan, 7. We lovingly refer to him as Chubs. Or Chubby. Or fat boy. Ahem. He is all boy, as you can see by his crazy wild energy. He has the highest pain tolerance of any child I have ever met. He plays soccer and does gymnastics, but truly he is a gamer, a nerd. He is an avid reader and loves to climb. Not to be outdone by his sister, he's a drama king, but to him, I'm the best mommy in the world.
I'm here to use my voice. So many people can't. In a world of darkness, I just want to help God's light to shine through. I pray that my words are His, and my love is His, as well. This is my journey through the darkness. To start are the beginning of the story, click here.