I'm not really sure right now. I feel this unshakable desire to go hide somewhere. Generally when I need to hide I crawl in the shower and stay there until the water is too cold to handle any longer. Life is hard. It's after midnight here, and I'm lonely. I hurt, and I'm lonely. Sometimes I don't know how to decipher all this mess. I am a highly functional depressed person. That makes life hard. From the outside looking in, I've got everything under control. I get out of bed every day and take care of my kids. I cook and do laundry and play outside with my babies. I go to church three times a week. I keep going. So people don't see the hurt on the inside, even when I'm visibly depressed or crying. All people see is the me that doesn't stop going. I'm so tired. I can't even express what I'm trying to say. I think I'm trying to say that I'm not okay just because I keep going. I hurt, even though I don't lay in bed all day (only half the day). I hurt even though I still do the things I need to do, or am supposed to do. My house may be a mess, but I've got the basics down. Sigh. Whatever.

I'm struggling hard with something tonight. I've never ever had great coping skills. I've always stuffed stuff down and ignored it. When I was a teenager I was constantly high or drunk, whatever it took to forget. I've always been a generally self destructive person. I'm not into those bad habits anymore, yet tonight, I'm finding it particularly tempting. I don't know. That isn't the only self destructive thing I'm struggling with tonight, but I'm just sayin. It's hard. I'm trying to just breathe and get through. That's why I'm here, I guess. This is my coping, for the moment. I don't know that it'll be enough, but for now, here I sit, running my mouth to a bunch of people I don't know....

And as for that, I guess I am running my mouth to people I don't know. But there's a reason. I am 25, almost 26. It's been ten years since the abuse stopped, and I've just now gotten to the point to where I can really even touch this. I was in denial for a very long time. Well, until about a year and a half ago. I spent all of my teen years, and most of my adult life pretending none of this ever happened because I was never given to opportunity to deal with it. I didn't even know I was allowed to deal with it. For a long time I didn't even know it was something to be dealt with. I guess I'm here hoping that someone out there who feels like they can't deal with it, or that they have to pretend it away will read this and see that no matter what they're not alone. You are not alone. No matter who you are, no matter what your story, no matter what road you're walking, you are not alone! God is with you. And I'm here, for whatever that is worth, willing to pray, listen, or talk. Anyhow. My husband is calling me to bed, so I must go for now. But my prayers are with you. My hope is that somewhere this touches someone. Somewhere someone will realize that there is someone on the other side of a computer screen near or far that understands.
2 Responses
  1. Just Be Real Says:

    Dear one, I am sorry you are in pain and feeling all these emotions.

    I think I'm trying to say that I'm not okay just because I keep going. I hear you loud and clear and know exactly what you are going through Broken!

    Good that you blog to release some of these feelings. Please forgive me, I do not remember if you mentioned you have been through counseling or not?

    Dear one, not only God is with you, I too am with you and all that can relate too.

    ((((safe hugs))))

  2. Annette Says:

    Came from Not Me, though I didn't participate.

    You are very transparent and contemplative. Your name, Broken, is what drew me here...Your spirit does sound so broken...but healing too, I hope and pray.

    Take care, Friend!

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