Tonight I feel the urge to write, and probably don't have much to say. I'm lying in my bed, at one in the morning. I know I have to be up in seven hours. And I do care, as I know in seven hours I won't want to get up. I just don't want to go to sleep. I usually don't. Want to sleep, that is. I don't see much point in it any more. I wish I didn't have to sleep any more. Either that, or that I could stay in a dreamless sleep forever. That's what kills it for me. The dreams. I am so tired of dreaming. They're all the same really, and yet, never quite the same. The general idea of the dream is the same. Missing or dying babies. Him. Someone chasing me, trying to kill me. Him. Someone trying to hurt my babies. You know. Sometimes I dream crazy things just because that's the last thing I was thinking about. My dreams actually usually aren't random. I guess if they were, they wouldn't bother me so much.

I said his name today. I know that sounds like a very random thing, but it's a big deal for me. I almost never say his name. And today, it just came out of my mouth. Now I can't say that I didn't think about it before I said it, bc I did. I thought about it while the sentance was coming out, but I said it anyhow. It strikes me as odd, that's all, that I was able to say his name is normal conversation. Heck, I can't even bring him up in normal conversation without saying his name. Not sure if it's a break through, or me just trying to not tip off the people who were around me.

Random. Anyway. Tomorrow is a worship day. It will be a busy day, and I'm trying to find my focus. I know I should be sleeping. Or at the very least, doing something productive. But I just can't bring myself to. I've been having a lot of trouble with productivity lately. The laundry is so backed up my poor baby girl couldn't find any clean panties to wear after her bath tonight. Yes, I really am mother of the year. It doesn't matter, I'm going to have to wash everything to get ready for the trip. Yay. I'm so backed up in fact that I don't really have anything clean to wear, either. It's a good thing we all have more clothes than we need. Just sayin.

Wow I really am random. I told you I wouldn't have anything to say. I wouldn't blame anyone who wants to give up reading now. I can't promise you there won't be something profound after this sentance, but I wouldn't bet on it, either. :) I just can't 'hang up'. I don't want to. I don't want to be alone, and oddly, I feel like I'm not alone here. Yes, I have my family, but everyone is asleep. I don't want to lie in the dark and listen to my thoughts. They never end up anywhere good. Probably bc there's not a lot of good to go to.

More random. In exactly two days we will be celebrating my daughter's birthday. It's a bittersweet thing for me. She's a handful, that's for sure. But I am so grateful every day for her. In some weird way I'm grateful for what has happened to me, bc I know that she will be safe. I will protect her, and her brother, at all costs. Almost a year ago I wrote her a poem. It was mother's day and I was feeling weepy and sentimental. I'd like to share that poem now. It's for you, baby girl.

Cosnoidh me (kuhs-NOH-ee may) (it's Irish Gaelic for 'I will defend' or 'I will protect')

Silence, then a cry.
'It's a girl'
I cry too.
It's the beginning of a new world

Wobble, then a step.
There you go
I'm afraid
As you walk off into the great unknown

Time goes on and still you grow.
Strong and beautiful, you think you know
The dangers of this crazy world
What happened to that little girl?

You used to cling on to me tight
Afraid of the monster's ugly bite
'Mommy, hugs and kisses' you would say
Following me throughout your day.

You change and grow, but still I see
That little girl you used to be
Bold and courageous, naive and small
Your heart believes you can conquer it all

But there are things you do not know
Things that can truly hurt you so
Not everything is what it seems
Be careful as you live your dreams...

No matter what you think or do
It will not change what I feel for you
It will not matter if the whole world leaves
You know where I will always be

I will love you until the end of time
I will love you forever because you are mine
I will carry you when you can not walk
I will speak for you when you can not talk

I will be the one who's there
Forever more my baby fair
There is nothing my love can not affect
You are the one I will protect.