I'm starting this post but I'm sure it'll be saved as a draft bc I know I don't have enough juice left in my computer to make it through everything that needs to come out of my brain. I'm simultaneously emailing aprox 70 pictures to a client, because i've been so stressed out I forgot to put them on disk and give them to her before we left. Yep, that's right, we're on our way 'home'. My stomach is a big ball of nerves and I can barely eat. So I guess I'm writing. I'm going to do this untl the computer dies, I guess.

Seriously I just wanna go home. Not 'home, but home, to my home, where I belong. I don't want to do this. I dont' want to. I don't even know what else to say other than I seriously do not want to do this. I know in the end it's going to be okay. I'm just uncertain as to where the 'end' is. I'm afraid of what state I'm going to be in when we finally do make it home. I'm terrified of being there..

Well, that was yesterday. And today is a brand new day. We are here, and I'm still uncertain. I spent a lot of time with family that initially didn't want to see today, and everything went fine. It was odd, though, being in those places. The memories were almost overwhelming, as I knew they would be. I am, at this moment, okay. I'm not great, but I'm not falling apart either. I may, I may not. I don't know yet. I feel like if one stone gets thrown, the surface tension will tear me apart. Did any of that make sense at all? I don't know.

I didn't go anywhere near my parents house today. I don't know that I'll go. I don't know that I can handle it. Handle being there. It was bad enough being in my aunts house today. Walking in the room was like... wow. I don't even know. I am grateful that I'm handling this well, but I'm still cautious. I guess I'm fairly certain that I know myself well enough to know that I'll cry myself to sleep tonight. But for now, I'm okay. As okay as I can be.
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  • I'm a wife. I'm a mom. I'm a photographer. I'm a lover of Jesus. My house is a mess, my kids are dirty, we eat take out more often than not. My life is loud, busy and crazy. And that's okay with me.
    This is Eric, the man you've been praying for. He's a paramedic. He quilts in his spare time. No, I couldn't make that up :) He has NASH (a form of liver disease, non-alcoholic) and diabetes, but those things don't define him. He's a man of God, an insanely wonderful husband, and the best daddy in the world.. Just ask these guys..
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    Our son Dylan, 7. We lovingly refer to him as Chubs. Or Chubby. Or fat boy. Ahem. He is all boy, as you can see by his crazy wild energy. He has the highest pain tolerance of any child I have ever met. He plays soccer and does gymnastics, but truly he is a gamer, a nerd. He is an avid reader and loves to climb. Not to be outdone by his sister, he's a drama king, but to him, I'm the best mommy in the world.