Ever feel like you were just jarred back into reality? Well, I'm not sure that that's what this is, but it's something like that. My life is a lot like that of every other family in the world. I'm a 27 year old wife and mother of 2. We rent a house, we own 2 cars, we empty our checking account nearly every month to make ends meet. We are your average american family. Ali is in 1st grade, Dylan starts Kindergarten in the fall, and while that sounds young, when you have kids that are 5-7 you know that they aren't babies anymore. They're not anywhere near babies and really it's a completely new ball game. They're kids now, and we've finally moved on from all things toddler. They're playing ball and doing little school plays. We've reached that point in our lives we're everything is set into motion. We've found our groove. There aren't many surprises, our days are pretty much the same. We've started our life as a family of four to conquer the world in a way only our craziness can.
And then, everything gets shook up.
I know what you're thinking.
Yay, Courtney's gonna have a baby! (Because let's all face it now, babies excite just about everyone)
Well, lets not all get excited just yet. Actually I doubt very, very seriously that I'm pregnant, seeing as I had my tubes clipped, but the thought is right there in the back of my brain, pecking away at my sanity.
You see, my kids are 5 and almost 7. I'm done having babies. We're done with sippy cups and pull ups and accidents in the middle of Walmart and endless nights of not sleeping because they want to play (not that I sleep, anyhow, but still).
We've gone from this and this...(filthy carpet and all)
Our life just isn't... baby, anymore.
Now I don't usually keep track of my cycles, but this time I just kept expecting it to come. Last week I thought I had started (I know, you're all just fascinated by this) but I hadn't, just some spotting and massive crampage. And I waited, and waited, but nothing. Just some random cramps here and there. Then I started noticing little things... things that point to pregnancy (several symptoms that can either mean absolutely nothing and not be related at all, or they can mean I'm pregnant. Funny, how that works, huh?).
BUT I HAD MY TUBES CLIPPED!
I keep telling myself that there is no way I'm pregnant. But whether I am or I'm not isn't why I'm here. I'm here because I feel like I have to sort this out in my head. I called a friend earlier and asked her about who her OB was etc and told her what was going on and she said okay, I'm praying. And I said 'Which are you praying for" and she said "Whichever you want".
I don't know. I don't know what I want. I'm happy. I don't want to start over. I don't want to go back to sleepless nights and weight gain and all that goes with having a baby. I'm finally down to the size I was before we got married and Dylan starts school in the fall and it just feels like we've worked so long and so hard to get to this place in our lives...
And then I secretly sneak off to the bathroom with a pregnancy test hoping and praying to see that double pink line. It wasn't there, by the way. Sigh. I don't know. I don't know what to think or do. I do know that my period is about 1 week 5 days late. Ish. I'm normally pretty regular, so this is kinda throwing me off. I know that it could be stress (which is likely) or hormonal issues due to a cyst or something (which is also very likely). But in the back of my mind, there is this little birdie wishing for a baby. I really think I've lost my mind. Seriously. I think "Baby" and then I think "Dylan starts school in the fall". Sigh. Either way I know we will be happy and ultimately it's up to God and what he wants, but right now, right at this moment, I'm fighting a lot of contradictions and the slightest bit of worry.
I've had this little twinge of pain on the right side several times this evening. I have another test to take in the morning and if it's negative and I've not started in another few days or so, I'm going to make an appt, but right now I'm just worried about an ectopic. I know it's an issue because we've had one before. I was "lucky" (because you can totally call it that) and it aborted naturally and reabsorbed and I did not have to have surgery, however, it sucked. There is no other way to say it. It sucked. And that's where I am right now. I'm desperately praying that if I am pregnant that it is a healthy and viable pregnancy. That I will be healthy and so will the baby.
And now you may all have me committed to the nearest psychiatric hospital, because lets face it, I'll start my period in like 3.7 hours or something, having made this post completely pointless and yet humorous all at the same time. You're welcome :D
I'm a wife. I'm a mom. I'm a photographer. I'm a lover of Jesus. My house is a mess, my kids are dirty, we eat take out more often than not. My life is loud, busy and crazy. And that's okay with me.
This is Eric, the man you've been praying for. He's a paramedic. He quilts in his spare time. No, I couldn't make that up :) He has NASH (a form of liver disease, non-alcoholic) and diabetes, but those things don't define him. He's a man of God, an insanely wonderful husband, and the best daddy in the world.. Just ask these guys..
Our daughter Ali, she's 9. She's fiercely opinionated and strong willed. She's a Daddy's girl, but the umbilical cord hasn't but cut from me, either. She's a gymnast, and proud of it. She spends more time upside down or turning flips than she does walking. She's crazy smart, and absolutely sure of it. She is my insufferable little know it all.
Our son Dylan, 7. We lovingly refer to him as Chubs. Or Chubby. Or fat boy. Ahem. He is all boy, as you can see by his crazy wild energy. He has the highest pain tolerance of any child I have ever met. He plays soccer and does gymnastics, but truly he is a gamer, a nerd. He is an avid reader and loves to climb. Not to be outdone by his sister, he's a drama king, but to him, I'm the best mommy in the world.
I'm here to use my voice. So many people can't. In a world of darkness, I just want to help God's light to shine through. I pray that my words are His, and my love is His, as well. This is my journey through the darkness. To start are the beginning of the story, click here.