My Word

My whole life I've lived in some sort of fear.

Fear of not being approved of.

Fear of not being good enough, smart enough, pretty enough.

Fear of failure.

I wasted a lot of years of my life because of fear.  I missed out on so much because I was afraid to try.

Mostly I was in fear of the truth.

I was afraid that if I faced the truth, that would make it real.

But the truth is...

I was abused.

I was afraid of what would happen if it got out.  Afraid of who it would affect, and what it would change.  At times I realize that those fears were legitimate.  It's turned my life upside down.  So even now, after I've been so open for so long, I am still afraid.  It affects my decisions.  I hesitate when I think someone new might find out.  I hide my emotions, afraid that if I let go, I won't be able to control them at all.  I fear what people might think of me, how they might judge me, or even pity me.  I have literally let fear control me, my every move, for as long as I can remember.


This year my word is

9 Responses
  1. Jen Says:

    Oh my dang.

    I am so stinking proud of you. Bish, you made me cry.

  2. Amanda Sims Says:

    That is beautiful. What a great word. Way to step out of the fear and turn it around!

  3. Jason Says:

    Wow...I'm so sorry you had to go through any of that. But your I'm excited for you. 2011 is going to be a year of powerful healing for you. God bless you.

  4. Alece Says:

    between the tears and the goosebumps, i'm just ... wow. you are so brave. so courageous. you've already got fearlessness in you! this is gonna be a powerfully freeing year for you. in ways you cannot even begin to imagine.

    thank you. for your rawness and your realness. thank you.

  5. From Tracie Says:

    Fearless. That is so powerful.

    When you live fearless, and break the silence that surrounds take back control of your life.

    I am an abuse survivor, and I have experienced those same fears. Breaking the chains of fear is a beautiful thing.

  6. OneGirl Says:

    so looking forward to seeing how God will use situations in your life this year to make you prove and show yourself that you can conquer fear with Him along side you. this time next year I hope so many of your fears have been conquered, though it means this year will be hard.

  7. jinjja Says:

    Thank you for sharing such a powerful message. I know that took TONS of courage, but it's not in vain. God NEVER wastes a hurt, and I'm sure He will use this to touch a lot of people.

    Your fearlessness has inspired me to be less fearful about some of my hurts. Thanks.

  8. Lyr Says:

    Awesome word!!!! You go girl! I LOVE this post!

  9. Tia Says:

    Awesome word! Thankful you were able to step past that fear with me this year. Am I gently allowed to remind you if you forget sometimes?

Post a Comment

  • I'm a wife. I'm a mom. I'm a photographer. I'm a lover of Jesus. My house is a mess, my kids are dirty, we eat take out more often than not. My life is loud, busy and crazy. And that's okay with me.
    This is Eric, the man you've been praying for. He's a paramedic. He quilts in his spare time. No, I couldn't make that up :) He has NASH (a form of liver disease, non-alcoholic) and diabetes, but those things don't define him. He's a man of God, an insanely wonderful husband, and the best daddy in the world.. Just ask these guys..
    Our daughter Ali, she's 9. She's fiercely opinionated and strong willed. She's a Daddy's girl, but the umbilical cord hasn't but cut from me, either. She's a gymnast, and proud of it. She spends more time upside down or turning flips than she does walking. She's crazy smart, and absolutely sure of it. She is my insufferable little know it all.
    Our son Dylan, 7. We lovingly refer to him as Chubs. Or Chubby. Or fat boy. Ahem. He is all boy, as you can see by his crazy wild energy. He has the highest pain tolerance of any child I have ever met. He plays soccer and does gymnastics, but truly he is a gamer, a nerd. He is an avid reader and loves to climb. Not to be outdone by his sister, he's a drama king, but to him, I'm the best mommy in the world.