My heart is pounding. I am literally writing this post because I am at home alone with three children and there is anger seeping out of my pores. I can not see straight. I am breathing heavily and I want to scream. I do not know that I have ever been this angry. In the last few years, I have gone through so many phases of this journey. I was so lost, consumed with depression and suicidal ideologies. I was wracked with grief and consumed with guilt.
But now, I feel no grief. I feel no sorrow or fear.
I feel only anger.
Be angry and sin not.
God, I promise I am trying.
I want to scream. I want to shatter something with a baseball bat. My head is going to explode. I do not feel like a victim today. Today, I feel like the rest of the world has lost their minds, and I am strong, and I am walking away. Today, I feel the least like a victim I've ever felt. I do not feel powerless. I know the ripples of my actions will be great. But I know that things can not continue in the path they are headed. And so, tonight, my world changes. Again. Only this time, it's my choice.
I'm a wife. I'm a mom. I'm a photographer. I'm a lover of Jesus. My house is a mess, my kids are dirty, we eat take out more often than not. My life is loud, busy and crazy. And that's okay with me.
This is Eric, the man you've been praying for. He's a paramedic. He quilts in his spare time. No, I couldn't make that up :) He has NASH (a form of liver disease, non-alcoholic) and diabetes, but those things don't define him. He's a man of God, an insanely wonderful husband, and the best daddy in the world.. Just ask these guys..
Our daughter Ali, she's 9. She's fiercely opinionated and strong willed. She's a Daddy's girl, but the umbilical cord hasn't but cut from me, either. She's a gymnast, and proud of it. She spends more time upside down or turning flips than she does walking. She's crazy smart, and absolutely sure of it. She is my insufferable little know it all.
Our son Dylan, 7. We lovingly refer to him as Chubs. Or Chubby. Or fat boy. Ahem. He is all boy, as you can see by his crazy wild energy. He has the highest pain tolerance of any child I have ever met. He plays soccer and does gymnastics, but truly he is a gamer, a nerd. He is an avid reader and loves to climb. Not to be outdone by his sister, he's a drama king, but to him, I'm the best mommy in the world.
I'm here to use my voice. So many people can't. In a world of darkness, I just want to help God's light to shine through. I pray that my words are His, and my love is His, as well. This is my journey through the darkness. To start are the beginning of the story, click here.