Compelled.
I feel like I don't much just blog anymore. There are cute posts about my kids, and Not Me! Mondays, and Send it to God Saturdays, and Show us your life Fridays. But there isn't much of me, anymore.

So here I am. And I have already taken my sleep meds. Yeah. This should be interesting. :)

I'm blogging literally to keep me awake so that I can get Eric's clothes in the laundry. I've spent most of the day at moms packing and cleaning and saving baby birds. That, you know, I almost killed. Yeah.

I feel like I'm running head long into a brick wall after today. Gosh I need to sleep. Ahem.

So... For our Anniversary, Eric bought me Angie's book. Heart
I want to live for him. I want to take every step for him. I want to make every decision for him. I want to live in such a way that everything I do is for him. To bring him praise and honor. I've learned so much in the last few weeks. Like I was made for him. I was created to praise him. I was created to do nothing but bring glory to Him. To honor him. Not the other way around. He wasn't created to be my easy button. He wasn't put there to answer my every beck and call. I was put here to honor him. And I suck at it.

But my heart aches to be that person. I crave him. I want to be that Christian. I want to be the Christian that no one has to ask if I'm a Christian. I want them to be able to tell. I want every word I utter to be for him.

I feel in my heart that I fail so very often. But I feel the pull to do better. I feel challenged to be a better mother. A better wife. A better lover. A better friend. A better daughter. A better Christian. A better... sister.

I want to give and give and give and make sure that I am doing it for no other reason that to give God glory. To bring others to him. A few weeks ago I said that the only purpose to this life was to love. And to love well. It isn't about our jobs, our homes, our big fancy SUV's, or our kids straight A report cards, and no hitter ball games. It's about love. How we love God, and how we love others. And in the end, that's what will matter. Love.

And I want to show my love for God. I want to keep serving. I have that servant heart, but I want to make sure that my motives are pure and I am giving, not for the recognition, but because I love. I love God. And I want to serve him by helping people.

I feel as though I have failed miserably in the last few years. I was put in so many situations where my influence, my witness, was great. And I let it slip away. I allowed my mouth, my bad habits, my negativity, my bad attitude to get in the way. And now I've lost that good influence. I want it back. I'm afraid that the people closest to me don't see me as a real Christian, bc lets face it, I struggle with acting like one sometimes. I want that influence back.

Not only to my friends, but to my husband and my children. I want to teach them every thing I can about the Lord. But more importantly, I want to instill in them a love for the Lord. I want to teach them the value of prayer. The value of having one on one time with their Father. And I fail.

But here I am, being totally honest, because I want to do better. I am challenged and compelled by the examples I see in so many of you, to do better.

And I thank you for that.

Court
2 Responses
  1. Suzanne Says:

    We all struggle, but helping others is a great way to attaining a heart of servitude. Keep holding on...


  2. Tia Says:

    God will take your desire and use it to mature your faith and love. He will use it to provide opportunities for growth. Keep seeking and He will fill the gap.


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  • I'm a wife. I'm a mom. I'm a photographer. I'm a lover of Jesus. My house is a mess, my kids are dirty, we eat take out more often than not. My life is loud, busy and crazy. And that's okay with me.
    This is Eric, the man you've been praying for. He's a paramedic. He quilts in his spare time. No, I couldn't make that up :) He has NASH (a form of liver disease, non-alcoholic) and diabetes, but those things don't define him. He's a man of God, an insanely wonderful husband, and the best daddy in the world.. Just ask these guys..
    Our daughter Ali, she's 9. She's fiercely opinionated and strong willed. She's a Daddy's girl, but the umbilical cord hasn't but cut from me, either. She's a gymnast, and proud of it. She spends more time upside down or turning flips than she does walking. She's crazy smart, and absolutely sure of it. She is my insufferable little know it all.
    Our son Dylan, 7. We lovingly refer to him as Chubs. Or Chubby. Or fat boy. Ahem. He is all boy, as you can see by his crazy wild energy. He has the highest pain tolerance of any child I have ever met. He plays soccer and does gymnastics, but truly he is a gamer, a nerd. He is an avid reader and loves to climb. Not to be outdone by his sister, he's a drama king, but to him, I'm the best mommy in the world.