Through This Pain.
Every Wednesday night we have dinner at the church building. To be honest with ya'll, I didn't really feel up to socializing tonight. We got there fairly early and I was done eating by the time most of the people were getting there. My kids were still eating, and I told them I would be back in a minute. Our kitchen is downstairs in the basement, and I walked upstairs into the empty sanctuary. It was storming outside, I could hear the rain slapping against the windows. I sat down in the front, and started to sing. I was singing a song I had written when Dylan was a baby. I used to rock him to sleep every night, singing this same song to the Lord. I just finished the second verse a few months ago, which is odd for me bc I almost always write everything in one sitting. Anyhow. I was singing this song, not loudly bc I knew if anyone came in they would hear me, and I didn't want to be disturbed. I was crying, singing, and about halfway through the second verse I just stopped singing and said, without thinking, 'I feel you'. I was going to finish singing, but I said 'I know you're there, I can feel you'. I then got up and walked into one of the classrooms and opened a Bible to Psalm 69, and cried for a few minutes.

I needed to cry. Tonight, it seems like God is crying too. It has been raining here all day, and though I like a rainy day, this was like a hurricane. And in the middle of this monsoon, my muse sat on my shoulder. And this is what we got:


The wind is howling.
The storms are raging.
There is fire in the sky, and fear in my eyes,
But I feel you.
Yes I feel you.

My heart is breaking.
My soul is aching.
But even through the pain, though the tears fall like rain
I can feel you
Yes I feel you.

And while I walk alone on this road towards home,
I hear you call my name.
And though the winds will blow, I'll always know
You'll ever be the same.
You're my rock, my strength
You're the air I breathe
My shelter from the rain.
You're all I see.
I'm on my knees,
Lord take me through this pain.
3 Responses
  1. Tia Says:

    i needed that this morning. it's beautiful


  2. Melanie Says:

    you continue to amazing me court. I absolutely LOVE your heart. It shines the love of Christ and love FOR Him so beautifully!


  3. Suzanne Says:

    I found you from Erin's blog "My Alabaster Jar" and I just read your last few posts. Lately I've felt a kind of depression as well and I know that a wise woman once told me that this time of year has a way of doing that. But sometimes, no, many times, I think it's more, I think that the spiritual warfare is so strong, especially for those whose hearts are for Him. You hang in there and keep crying out to the Lord. I feel your pain.


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  • I'm a wife. I'm a mom. I'm a photographer. I'm a lover of Jesus. My house is a mess, my kids are dirty, we eat take out more often than not. My life is loud, busy and crazy. And that's okay with me.
    This is Eric, the man you've been praying for. He's a paramedic. He quilts in his spare time. No, I couldn't make that up :) He has NASH (a form of liver disease, non-alcoholic) and diabetes, but those things don't define him. He's a man of God, an insanely wonderful husband, and the best daddy in the world.. Just ask these guys..
    Our daughter Ali, she's 9. She's fiercely opinionated and strong willed. She's a Daddy's girl, but the umbilical cord hasn't but cut from me, either. She's a gymnast, and proud of it. She spends more time upside down or turning flips than she does walking. She's crazy smart, and absolutely sure of it. She is my insufferable little know it all.
    Our son Dylan, 7. We lovingly refer to him as Chubs. Or Chubby. Or fat boy. Ahem. He is all boy, as you can see by his crazy wild energy. He has the highest pain tolerance of any child I have ever met. He plays soccer and does gymnastics, but truly he is a gamer, a nerd. He is an avid reader and loves to climb. Not to be outdone by his sister, he's a drama king, but to him, I'm the best mommy in the world.