I feel as though I'm sitting in the twilight zone. I'm sitting at the kitchen table at my mother's house. We're listening to Christmas Carols (mixed in with some metal), drinking coffee with Daddy, watching the kids play outside in the woods. It's absolutely fantastic. And yet it feels like the twilight zone. I haven't been here in three months. And none of it matters. It matters, it does, but I it feels selfish to worry about any of it.

I'm sitting here fighting back tears, listening to Harry Connick Jr. Crying tears for my friends who have lost their sweet daughter. She would have been three on Dec 23rd. I can't even imagine. And Kristy may be paralyzed, they're saying now she may not walk again. But then, I hold onto hope that she may, knowing that Brent has proved that God is good and God is faithful and all things are possible. But the hurt they know now is incomprehensible. And yet, so many have been through this. You can learn more about them, the story of what happened, and ways to help on facebook on this group. I know that there are so many things going on this holiday season, but if you want to give, if you have a chance to give, these good Godly people are in need. The money will all go directly to funeral costs for their sweet daughter and medical expenses for Kristy. There is a link on the group page, but here is direct information about how you can help.

And I'm crying tears for me. Tears because my heart hurts, even though I feel guilty for hurting for me when others are hurting so much more. But even though, I still hurt. I hurt because I'm sitting here at my parent's house. I haven't been here in three months, or more. Since whenever *they* moved here. My kids are outside playing with my two nephews, Daddy and I are drinking coffee and I'm blogging. It feels so good. It feels like home. And my heart breaks because I know it will be over soon. I know that in a few days time my brother will be out of the hospital and we won't be here. He'll be here. He'll be in my parents home and I'll be back to being separated from my family, back to being... on the outside. And it sucks. Christmas is coming up. Christmas was always huge in our family. Lots of traditions and memories. And I will be on the outside again, because he'll be here. And it almost breaks my heart sitting at this table across from my Dad knowing that this may be the last time in a long time that I'll sit here with my Daddy watching my kids play in the woods feeling at home. Even though this isn't the home I grew up in, or maybe because this isn't the house I grew up in, I feel at home. It feels so good. I'm with my parents, my family, but not plagued with constant memories. Just home. Just love. And it breaks my heart that it won't be happening again any time soon. I just want my life back. I want my family back. And at the same time, I'm so grateful that I have my family. That my kids are safe, that they're here with my. Life is so complicated. But God is good, and God is faithful. And I'll keep going.