My family is gone for the next 25 minutes or so, and I am taking the time to neglect everything I should be doing and blog. I am so depressed today. Yesterday was a hard day. Today I just physically feel like I'm moving in slow motion. I slept until one. I crawled out of bed and took a shower, thinking that if I got dressed, I would feel more alive... I wound up in the recliner. I finally got up at about 3 and cooked breakfast. Don't judge me.

Today is one of those days where my self worth is wrapped up in my house. The house is a mess, we're running out of clean clothes to wear. I feel like a failure as a mother, a wife. Bleh. This post isn't getting me anywhere. I always feel like I'm just lazy, but I'm beginning to realize it is so much more than that. I am so depressed that I just want to get back in bed. I want to sleep. I just want to sleep.

I don't know why I started this blog. I read all of these blogs ( and I read a lot of them) of women who have gone through so many horrible things, and they're always positive and upbeat. I feel like I'm just dragging everyone down. But I'm not positive. And I'm not upbeat. I feel as though I'm being defeated. I keep pushing. That is my victory right now. The next breath. So I'm at this cross roads. I feel like I have this poor pitiful me attitude and I hate it. I've become such an angry, cynical bitter person. I feel like I should either lie (which I won't do) or stop blogging all together. I thought when I started this blog that I could encourage others. That I could let them see that there is light at the end of this tunnel. That it does get better. That God can get glory through anything, no matter how horrible the situation may seem. I feel like I've done nothing but depress people. I don't want that. So I don't know what to do. I feel like this is real. This is me. But maybe that doesn't matter any more. Part of me hopes no one reads this. And maybe, one day I'll find my way out of this fog and be able to make you all smile again.

3 Responses
  1. Sheryl Says:

    just want you to know that i am reading...

  2. Melanie Says:

    *hug* I don't have anything other than those to give but here's a few *hug* *hug* *hug*

    I often feel the way you are describing here and it's such a hard place to be, the only thing that brings me out is the One who gives me strength through His unfailing love.

  3. Sadie Says:

    you haven't depressed me. there is no need to be upbeat if you're in pain. your honesty brings me out of this typical christian utopia and to the reality of hurt, where Jesus really hangs out. He's with you in the victories, even if it's just the next breath. I don't see weakness, I see that. I see the real. And that is all you should have to be on this blog.

    consequently, could we get a picture of the finished quilt?

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  • I'm a wife. I'm a mom. I'm a photographer. I'm a lover of Jesus. My house is a mess, my kids are dirty, we eat take out more often than not. My life is loud, busy and crazy. And that's okay with me.
    This is Eric, the man you've been praying for. He's a paramedic. He quilts in his spare time. No, I couldn't make that up :) He has NASH (a form of liver disease, non-alcoholic) and diabetes, but those things don't define him. He's a man of God, an insanely wonderful husband, and the best daddy in the world.. Just ask these guys..
    Our daughter Ali, she's 9. She's fiercely opinionated and strong willed. She's a Daddy's girl, but the umbilical cord hasn't but cut from me, either. She's a gymnast, and proud of it. She spends more time upside down or turning flips than she does walking. She's crazy smart, and absolutely sure of it. She is my insufferable little know it all.
    Our son Dylan, 7. We lovingly refer to him as Chubs. Or Chubby. Or fat boy. Ahem. He is all boy, as you can see by his crazy wild energy. He has the highest pain tolerance of any child I have ever met. He plays soccer and does gymnastics, but truly he is a gamer, a nerd. He is an avid reader and loves to climb. Not to be outdone by his sister, he's a drama king, but to him, I'm the best mommy in the world.