Infinately More Complicated.
I feel like every time I turn around there is another something going on. Another complication. Another issue to deal with. Today's issue probably doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but in my head, it makes everything just a little bit harder to deal with.

And it's conflicting. It's all so messed up. I feel so selfish for feeling the way I do. I just.. can't take anymore. Seriously. So. Yeah.

My Mom called me today. She said 'I need a favor'. Sigh. So here's the deal. My brother has two sons. One from a previous marriage, who is almost 12, and another from his current marriage, who is two. The oldest son, at the moment, lives with his mother. She kidnapped him, long story. Since they technically have joint custody there wasn't anything we could do. But now he's very unhappy, and his mother is trying to make everyone's lives just a little more difficult. He just wants to come home, and I get that. So she wants me to keep the younger of the two nephews while they go get him from his mothers. I don't know how it's going to happen, and to be perfectly honest I don't care. I don't want anything to do with it. I hate confrontation.

Here's the problem I foresee. He's almost 12. He isn't an idiot. Does any one think he isn't going to wonder why I'm not having anything to do with his family, when before we were so close? He'll want to know why my kids aren't allowed at my mothers. He'll want to know why we don't sit together at church, why my daughter won't go near his dad. There are a lot of things he's going to want to know. And what am I supposed to say? I mean, I know, it isn't my place. Let his dad deal with it. But I don't want him to know anything is wrong. So I am terrified that we're going to have to slip back into that little bubble where we walked around the elephant in the room and pretended nothing was wrong. Pretended we were friends. I don't want to go there. It isn't fair. I don't want to be in that place again. I spent most of my life there, and it is a very internally self destructive place.

I really don't know what to say. I feel like everything is changing again. Like we're standing on the verge of a storm watching it roll in, and there's nothing I can do about it. I hurt. I can't truly access that pain. I can't cry, or be upset, but it's there, rest assured. I hate all of this. I want to pack up my family and move a million miles away. But, since the earth is only *so* big, I don't guess I can do that. There is no where I can escape to. No where I can go to get away from this conflict. I don't want it anymore. I'm tired. I'm tired of being numb. I'm tired of my brain trying to protect me. I want to feel something. I want to at least know this is real, that I'm alive. But I don't anymore. It's like walking through someone else's life, watching a movie. I hate it. Okay, well I have to get the kids in the bed, I'm sure I've rambled enough for one evening.

1 Response
  1. Lauresa Says:

    Courtney. I don't have any words really. I haven't had to endure a "season" like you have (your whole life.) I do pray that you have a support system (besides Bloom). -Somewhere/Someone that you can talk too, physically. Praying for these to hurry: Healing.Strength.Peace.and Resolution.
    In Jesus Name. Amen.

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