Carried Over.
I feel like the band aide has been ripped off my wound. I have been numb for weeks, functioning on auto pilot. I have gone for weeks without feeling a thing, except for random break through episodes of anger. Oh, I can feel anger. My anger isn't ever really because of anything specific, it just comes. I am totally capable of aiming it at people, but there is almost never a specific reason. But mainly, I feel nothing. Big fat piles of neutral. I can't even explain how hard that is for me. There is so much raging in my head, so many different things going on, and I'm incapable of dealing with any of it. Feeling any of it. It's like I'm watching someone else's life go by. You know, until now.

Now, I feel like the room is spinning. Like.. It's all spiraling down, out of control. The hurt is welling up in my chest, threatening to take me over if I let my guard down for just a second. I can't sit still. I can't stop interacting with people. If I do, it's over. Part of me wants to just let it swallow me whole. I've been wanting this to come. I've prayed that God would break the numbness. I felt like I couldn't take anymore. I'm a little shocked and awed as to how it went about, but He answered that prayer, that's for sure.

I want to go crawl into my bed and turn the music on my ipod up really loud and just shut out the world. I want to let the hurt come in and surround me, take me over. And I can't. I must push on. I have things to do. There are people here. I can't let them see me like this. So I make jokes and I smile and I laugh and I go on. Because really I can't shatter just because I want to. No matter how badly I want to. I really don't think my brain is capable. Sad, I know.

I guess you could say all of these emotions are carried over from last night. If you know what I'm talking about, then I thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for caring. For loving me like you've always known me. I can't explain to you what that means. How that feels. For now, I must go. There is cake waiting :) And lots and lots of little people.

3 Responses
  1. Lauresa Says:

    Sweet Courtney. I am still praying and lifting you up, this morning, sister.... Take peace in knowing that ALL of your sisters are thinking about you and praying for you. Please let me know if you need anything.
    Love,
    Reese


  2. Sheryl Says:

    it's a privilege to be your friend. your really, really OLD friend!!


  3. Sarah Says:

    I thought about you lots today and during the sermon at church tonight. We're going into a sermon series called "Draw Near to God." Matthew 11:28 was a primary verse we focused on, and it made me think of you.

    While I don't usually read the Message translation, it was that translation that really spoke to me and prompted me to pray it for you....

    Matthew 11:28
    "Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

    No go learn "the unforced rhythms of grace" (doesn't that sound divine?!) -- and enjoy the cake and the kiddos! :)


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