I sit here and stare at this blank page. It's 1:51 in the morning. Several of my closest friends will be here in less than 12 hours. I have to be up early, because I did nothing today. My dishes are dirty, there are toys everywhere. I should be sleeping. But I'm not. I feel alone. So I'm here. I want to feel God's arms around me. I want to feel Him pick me up and hold me in His arms, sheltering me safe from the storms of my life. I don't know how to pray. I've tried. There is so much in my head, I can't even focus. My thoughts are swirling, and I can't make it stop.
There is so much hurt in my head. So much pain. So much I can't handle. And on the outside, I am strong. I am calm. I am here. It amazes me to hear people talk about me. They say I'm strong. I don't feel strong. I shouldn't be standing strong. And yet, I am. I'm standing. Still. I know that my strength comes from God. I am amazed by it every day. How I haven't fallen to pieces yet is beyond my comprehension. I don't know. But here I am, standing.
I'm feeling alone. Or maybe I'm feeling lonely. I don't know. But I do know that I am surrounded by circles of people who care. People who love me. Standing next to me is the most amazing man on the planet. Even when he's an idiot, he's the best man I've ever met. On the other side of me, is 'S'. She is by far the closest friend I've ever had. She stands with me on everything. Good or bad. She is my sister, whether or not by blood. She is a piece of me. They both are. In my arms are my children. They are the sweetest things ever. Even when they're evil.
The next circle is small. There's 'A', 'C', and 'P'. Beyond that circle, there is another circle. And another. And another. All of these people are on my side. All of these people know my story. All of them would defend me to the end, protect me without thought. I have been blessed with the most amazing support system. The most amazing group of people. I truly am just that. Blessed.
But tonight, in the midst of this storm, as my friends are circled around me in a protective shield, I feel so very alone. I know in my heart that I am not alone. These people who surround me know. They know because so very many of them have been right where I am standing. I am not alone. But I am so lonely at this very moment. I am sitting in the dark. I can't see anything beyond the screen. It is dark. I am alone. And yet, I know I'm not.
There is a reason I am here. I walked out to my car a little while ago. It was probably 1 am. As I was standing at my car, getting what I needed, I heard the familiar sound of the flagpole clinking. I thought to myself 'I love that sound'. I looked up, and the flag was waving, standing up perfectly, as though there was a strong wind. I looked around. All was still. It's a still, quiet night here. We haven't mowed the grass in weeks, and it's mid shin on me. Nothing was moving. We are surrounded by trees. They were all perfectly still. I felt no wind on me, no movement. And yet, there was my flag, blowing in the wind. And all of a sudden, I didn't feel quite so alone. I don't know why my flag was blowing. Maybe there was a wind above my head that I couldn't feel. But I don't care. I'm holding on to that feeling. Knowing that He knows. That He cares. That even when I feel at my lowest, He loves me, even when I'm not clinging to Him as tightly as I should be.
Romans 12:1 says to present your bodies as a living sacrifice. The problem with a living sacrifice is that it can crawl off the altar. And so it is that I must put myself back up on the altar, several times a day.
This is me trying.
So I came here tonight because I feel as though I can't be the alone person in the world feeling alone. So this post is for you. If you're feeling alone, you're not. God is here. I am here. And I know it doesn't feel that way. But it is indeed the truth. You are not alone.
I want to keep typing. I could type for hours. I don't know what to say. I feel alone and weak. I feel like I'm failing. I feel like my heart isn't right. I feel shattered. I feel broken. I feel like I'm allowing these storms to take me over. Like I've just gotten so tired of fighting them. So I stop. I don't want to give in. I just can't control it all right now.
Lord, I know there is much more on your plate than me. But I know you love me as though I were the only person on this planet. And so, in the midst of this storm, as I shake and falter, and I fall, and forget to follow you, I ask that you carry me. Pick me up and hold me. And Lord, please be patient with me. No matter what, I love you.
I'm a wife. I'm a mom. I'm a photographer. I'm a lover of Jesus. My house is a mess, my kids are dirty, we eat take out more often than not. My life is loud, busy and crazy. And that's okay with me.
This is Eric, the man you've been praying for. He's a paramedic. He quilts in his spare time. No, I couldn't make that up :) He has NASH (a form of liver disease, non-alcoholic) and diabetes, but those things don't define him. He's a man of God, an insanely wonderful husband, and the best daddy in the world.. Just ask these guys..
Our daughter Ali, she's 9. She's fiercely opinionated and strong willed. She's a Daddy's girl, but the umbilical cord hasn't but cut from me, either. She's a gymnast, and proud of it. She spends more time upside down or turning flips than she does walking. She's crazy smart, and absolutely sure of it. She is my insufferable little know it all.
Our son Dylan, 7. We lovingly refer to him as Chubs. Or Chubby. Or fat boy. Ahem. He is all boy, as you can see by his crazy wild energy. He has the highest pain tolerance of any child I have ever met. He plays soccer and does gymnastics, but truly he is a gamer, a nerd. He is an avid reader and loves to climb. Not to be outdone by his sister, he's a drama king, but to him, I'm the best mommy in the world.
I'm here to use my voice. So many people can't. In a world of darkness, I just want to help God's light to shine through. I pray that my words are His, and my love is His, as well. This is my journey through the darkness. To start are the beginning of the story, click here.