Sundays
Courtney
I don't like to go into a lot of personal detail on my blog. Okay, we ALL know that's not true, but as far as myself, my family, my friends, I generally don't. But today I can't figure out how to blog without just saying what I want to say, need to say. It's been a really long week full emotional highs and lows. Really, really bad days followed by really, really good ones. I am so emotionally worn out. I'm tired. I'm tired and I don't know what to do.

Today is Mother's Day. Today is my anniversary. Today is Sunday. Sunday's are hard for me. I'm generally emotional for several reasons. Like, how totally unworthy I feel to be in worship. Like how hard it is for me to do so many things as a family of three, instead of a family of four, bc my husband is either working, or in bed in pain. And today was one of those days. I woke up late. He was moaning in pain as I rolled out of bed and I knew he wouldn't be able to go to worship. I rushed to get the kids up and ready and out the door. We were ten minutes late leaving, and about five minutes into the drive I realized today is my anniversary. Today. Today is Mother's Day, and I'm fighting kids alone. On my anniversary. It may not sound like much. Even as I fought back the tears, it felt trivial. But it had ALREADY been a long, hard week. I feel so weak and defenseless right now. Like every little thing that comes along tears me up a little bit more. Every song we sang in worship this morning had me crying for a different reason.

Yesterday I was angry and numb. I think that was the prelude to this day of mass hysteria in my head. I just don't have any more defenses to fight back all of the emotions and hurt and anger and fear. My parents came for a while, but they're gone now, and secretly I'm glad they are. I don't really want to be around when 'he' calls to wish her a Happy Mother's Day. I don't want to hear his voice, but he's so very real in my head right now. So very present and I hate it.

I think I'm going to treat myself to a hot bath, some classical music and a candle. Maybe I can get all this sorted out in my head. Love to all.
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