Today is hard for me. Most worship days are. I feel as though I don't belong in church. I feel so unworthy. I know no one is worthy, but I feel dirty and unclean. So much of my life was wasted in the dark ugly places. I look at people who lived horrible lives before they knew God. They were drug addicts, sexually impure, whatever, and they became Christians and all of that is gone. Sometimes I imagine God being so glad they've come home to Him, and wondering why I, who had ALWAYS known God, rebelled so much. I knew what I had. I knew what He had done for me, to save me, and still I didn't obey. Not always, not consistently. Sure, I still went to church, and Bible camp and youth functions. And while I was there I did sing and pray and was so convicted. But it never, ever lasted. Ever. I wasn't strong then and I don't feel strong now. I have such a strong love for God. I want to be good and pure and Christ-like. I want to do everything for Him. I am such a zealous person. But strength. No.

I've often made excuses for myself. Well, at least in the last few years I have. I've thought 'I was abused', 'I've been programmed' etc. I've told myself that if you spend your entire life doing things you don't really want to do, or at least find out that all that all the things you've done were so wrong, then really there is no point in doing any differently now. By the time I was 15 I 'realized' that I'd essentially been sexually impure for as long as I could remember. So when my boyfriend wanted to sleep with me, after no didn't work, I figured what was the point in saying no, anyways? What was there to save?

But it wasn't always about that. I didn't always assume that I was so gone there was no point. There were so many times that I knew what I was doing was wrong, I didn't really want to do it, I just wasn't strong enough to say no. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that they're just excuses. I have always known right from wrong. I've been going to church literally my entire life. I knew essentially what was right and wrong. I knew what was expected of me by God and everyone else. I just didn't care. Or maybe I did care, but I wasn't strong enough to stand up. I don't know.

All of these things are flowing around in my head today like a great river rapid. It sloshes and beats and swirls and I can't stop it or even control it. I go to worship and spend too much time remembering, wanting to know if I am even worthy to be there. Wondering why He lets me come and go over and over, faith faltering again and again. Why He continues to love me when even in my good times I continue to forsake Him.

Though I've spent many years on the 'right path', I still feel as though something is lacking. For about six years now I've been 'faithful'. I've lived my life the way I should. Saying and doing the the 'right' things. I've battled serious depression in the last year or so, but I still haven't given up. I feel like a puzzle that is completely put together except it's missing a piece. I'm not sure if that piece missing is a random piece of sky, or the heart of the picture. Either way, I don't feel whole. I feel like a broken little child pretending to be an adult. Pretending that I have everything together. But I don't. I don't have any clue. Maybe someday I will figure it out. I walk this journey stumbling in the dark. I feel empty. I feel small. Confused. Lost. Everything is so messed up. I guess I don't know how I feel. I'm not sure. All of this stuff just flows around and I don't even know how to grasp it. It is as if the world is spinning around me and I'm watching but I can't see anything. I can't hear anything. I can't comprehend anything.

I want this blog to be positive. I want it to uplift, not drag down. But this is who I am. How I feel. And right now I just feel like it's time to share my story. Time to speak. I don't know why these things have happened. I'm not sure what God's purpose is here. I know that my thoughts are not his thoughts, or anything like His thoughts. I don't understand why this has happened, why my life has taken this path. I don't know what good He is bringing from this or will bring from this. But in all of my fear, lack of assurance, and sheer disobedience, I know no matter what the He is bringing good from this. I know He didn't will it, I know He didn't want it. But I know somehow He will get the glory through all of it.