Everybody's fool.
We are home. Life is back to normal. Okay that's the biggest lie I've told all week. Life is no where near back to normal. I went to town with my mother and kids and best friend today. The kids rode with my mom. I screamed at my best friend for 20 minutes, then laid my head in her lap and cried like a baby. I didn't know what else to do. I know you're reading this, and I also know I don't have to be sorry. But I am.

I hurt to the core of my soul. I don't know why. The trip itself was fine. Everyone got along, there was no drama, no trauma. It was fine. But for some reason it has completely screwed me up. Dreams of him. Dreams of hurt. Tears. Anger. Rage. Yesterday in the car on the way home I was so sick. I woke up with a migraine but when the headache went away the nausea did not. I was dizzy too, and so irritiable. Angry, really. Not at anyone just taking it out on everyone. I eventually just cried with nothing better to do. I go from being numb and okay to being irrational and hysterical. I want to kick and scream and throw something just to get the craziness out. I hate this.

I hate it all. Every flipping inch of it. I hate it. I hate what he did. I hate my memories of it. I hate that he convinced me I should do those things. He could have just raped me and had what he wanted and I wouldn't feel so freaking guilty. I hate that he manipulated me. I hate the way I turned out. Who I am. What I am. Weak. I hate that I ride in the car and stare at the wheels on the semi next to us and wonder 'what if'. That's not normal, even though I have no intention of hurting myself, it isn't normal to think those things. But I do. I think them to not think of him. Or maybe because of him. I hate it. I hate it all. I hate that sometimes I can think of it and not be sick. That I can think about it, know I should be upset, try to be upset, and can't. I know I should be curled up on the floor crying, and instead I just don't care. What kind of person does that make me?

I also hate that he's put these things in my head, which makes it so easy to make everyone else the bad guy. What I mean is, that I can allow my husband to hurt me, without him ever knowing it. I hate it, and yet, sometimes, I need it. Okay seriously. Stopping. No one needs to hear these things. I'm just at the end of this perverbial rope, and I have no upper arm strength to climb back up. The funny thing is that everyone seems to think I've got it together. I'm such a good person, a good patient mother. HAHAHAHAHA. My poor kids. I love them beyond explanation, but they deserve so much more. I'm such a liar. Such a horrible pathetic immitation of a normal human being..

Everybody's Fool: Evanescence

Perfect by nature
Icons of self indulgence
Just what we all need
More lies about a world that

Never was and never will be
Have you no shame?
Don't you see me?
You know you've got everybody fooled

Look here she comes now
Bow down and stare in wonder
Oh how we love you
No flaws when you're pretending
But now I know she

Never was and never will be
You don't know how you've betrayed me
And somehow you've got everybody fooled

Without the mask, where will you hide?
Can't find yourself lost in your lie

I know the truth now
I know who you are
And I don't love you anymore

It Never was and never will be
You don't know how you've betrayed me
And somehow you've got everybody fooled

It never was and never will be
You're not real and you can't save me
Somehow now you're everybody's fool

You sometimes have to watch the video to get the full affect of this song. It's pretty much what I'm feeling right now. Like a

fool.
2 Responses
  1. Just Be Real Says:

    I have an award waiting for you in the post "Just Be Real Award." Come by and take of it dear one!


  2. You may consider yourself broken but you can be mended. I know because I am an incest survivor. I have many years behind me of feeling like I was living a lie. The lie wasn't of my doing. Like you, I was forced into it by an adult in my life. I was a child. He was my dad. Lean on those who love you when you can't love yourself. There really is a light at the end of the tunnel. It starts with learning to love yourself. It isn't easy but the end result is worth it for you and for your children.


Post a Comment

  • I'm a wife. I'm a mom. I'm a photographer. I'm a lover of Jesus. My house is a mess, my kids are dirty, we eat take out more often than not. My life is loud, busy and crazy. And that's okay with me.
    This is Eric, the man you've been praying for. He's a paramedic. He quilts in his spare time. No, I couldn't make that up :) He has NASH (a form of liver disease, non-alcoholic) and diabetes, but those things don't define him. He's a man of God, an insanely wonderful husband, and the best daddy in the world.. Just ask these guys..
    Our daughter Ali, she's 9. She's fiercely opinionated and strong willed. She's a Daddy's girl, but the umbilical cord hasn't but cut from me, either. She's a gymnast, and proud of it. She spends more time upside down or turning flips than she does walking. She's crazy smart, and absolutely sure of it. She is my insufferable little know it all.
    Our son Dylan, 7. We lovingly refer to him as Chubs. Or Chubby. Or fat boy. Ahem. He is all boy, as you can see by his crazy wild energy. He has the highest pain tolerance of any child I have ever met. He plays soccer and does gymnastics, but truly he is a gamer, a nerd. He is an avid reader and loves to climb. Not to be outdone by his sister, he's a drama king, but to him, I'm the best mommy in the world.