It's been a while since I've been in the place I am in tonight. It's been so very long. I have planned this blog all day. It was going to say something like what a great day today has been. I had to drag myself out of bed this morning, but once I did we went out and had lunch with my best friend and ran to Walmart. When we got home we spent the whole afternoon in the yard, working on getting the pool cleaned out, getting the flowers watered, etc. The neighbor came over and sat with me and we talked while the kids all played in the yard. It was a good day. So why in the world am I here?

Why in the world am I in this horrid morbid miserable place? My memories are tearing me to shreds. There is a little girl in my head, damaged, lost, afraid.. I can't save her. I never could. I can't stand this. I don't even want to go into how messed up I am right now. How truly hurt I am. I've been drawing a picture all night. I do that sometimes when I need to get something out of my head. I draw, or I write poetry. This picture has been in my head for months. Months. I couldn't take it anymore, so I started drawing. Sigh. I hurt. I know I keep saying that. I know I have nothing intelligent to say. I know. I don't even know why you're still reading. Really. This is just me rambling to keep the hurt from taking over. I hate this road. I hate having to walk this road. I have being so broken. But it's who I am. I think it's who I've always been...
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  • I'm a wife. I'm a mom. I'm a photographer. I'm a lover of Jesus. My house is a mess, my kids are dirty, we eat take out more often than not. My life is loud, busy and crazy. And that's okay with me.
    This is Eric, the man you've been praying for. He's a paramedic. He quilts in his spare time. No, I couldn't make that up :) He has NASH (a form of liver disease, non-alcoholic) and diabetes, but those things don't define him. He's a man of God, an insanely wonderful husband, and the best daddy in the world.. Just ask these guys..
    Our daughter Ali, she's 9. She's fiercely opinionated and strong willed. She's a Daddy's girl, but the umbilical cord hasn't but cut from me, either. She's a gymnast, and proud of it. She spends more time upside down or turning flips than she does walking. She's crazy smart, and absolutely sure of it. She is my insufferable little know it all.
    Our son Dylan, 7. We lovingly refer to him as Chubs. Or Chubby. Or fat boy. Ahem. He is all boy, as you can see by his crazy wild energy. He has the highest pain tolerance of any child I have ever met. He plays soccer and does gymnastics, but truly he is a gamer, a nerd. He is an avid reader and loves to climb. Not to be outdone by his sister, he's a drama king, but to him, I'm the best mommy in the world.