Through The Darkness

In the Still of the Night

2012-01-21T22:21:00.000-08:00

I lie here listening to the fan, to the faint sound of the air conditioner running outside of our bedroom window. I hear the soft breathing of my husband, smell the scent of soap on his skin, still fresh from the shower. I see the light glimmering off my wedding bands, and my heart fills because honestly, it really doesn't get any better than this.

As I went to kiss my children goodnight, they were already asleep (it was Daddy's night to tuck them in). I crawled into the bed with them, pulling Dylan's headphones off. I could hear the faint melody, the acappella hymns he loves so much, and tears came to my eyes as I realized the choice he had made. The choice to fall asleep worshiping his God. My heart melts and breaks at the same time, knowing this moment won't last forever. I kissed them softly, brushed the hair out of their little eyes, and retreated to my room, sliding between the sheets, melting into the comfort.

God is amazing. I don't tell him, or you, or anyone else that enough. But he is.

I've been struggling spiritually, probably for a lot of reasons. But a lot of them, I know, are my own doing. But God is still amazing. And in my soul, I still know this, like I know the beating of my own heart. My prayer is that I will become a more purposeful person, not only in my spiritual life, but in everything. Because God has given me so much. So much. It's on me now.

Hahaha

2012-01-20T19:18:00.000-08:00

Because Mallory just left this comment on my last post, I just had to come back and say that not only did I clean, I put away all of the Christmas decorations and I also filled my new picture frames and they're ready to be hanged on the wall. So Nyah. I can sleep in tomorrow :D

Wanna Hear Something Funny?

2012-01-20T13:29:00.000-08:00

I really need to clean my house. There are lots of little things that need to get done. And I don't want to do them. So I'm sitting here blogging, because I've been seriously neglecting this blog and it gives me a sense of accomplishment. Feel free to laugh out loud :D

I have mixed feelings about that. I mean, honestly my job is to take care of my family and my house and to not be lazy and lay around and do nothing. But...

Yes, I totally am making excuses.

But Eric is home today, and Eric is almost never home. And he doesn't feel well. I think that my time would be better spent spending time with him, seeing as I almost never get to do that.

So yeah.

I'll clean tomorrow.

Maybe :D

Chaos

2012-01-06T13:14:00.000-08:00

My life is in a constant state of Chaos. There is nearly always a pile of clean laundry lying somewhere, the floors have not been mopped, there are dishes in the sink and the trash is overflowing. I've not opened my Bible in weeks, I nearly never pray, and I've not blogged in how long? Problem is, those are things I really want to do. I just keep letting things get in the way. Or at least, I let excuses get in the way.

There are probably several reasons why my life is always so chaotic. Being bipolar helps nothing, as I get easily distracted (I am currently writing this post sitting on my bed surrounded by the laundry I should be folding) and I think the biggest thing is that I never learned how to live on a schedule. Ever. In high school I literally had to make it to school, to work (my senior year) and home. Anything other than that (and church) was a free for all. And then I went to college and barely survived. I've never been able to do anything on schedule, and it's really messed things up around me.

So this year I'm working on my one word. Last year was a powerful year of healing and growth, and now I want to take the next step: being a human again :) And by that I mean I want to function. I want to be purposeful in my life. I'll never be Dolores Jane Umbridge, but I would like at least a little order in our lives.

Therefore I'm working on a schedule of sorts. Some sort of guideline to keep our lives moving, so to speak.

I don't know that it'll work, but hopefully I can get back into the swing of things, and stay there. Some of my goals include getting back to running, writing and blogging. I need to deal with my serious apathetic attitude towards my spiritual life (and my children's for that matter) and I'd like to have a little more sanity at home. Like, I'd like to be able to walk through the living room and not trip five times. I'd also like there to be clean cups when I need one, and clean underwear at any given time. Ahem.

So wish me luck as I try to make sense of the chaos that is my life. And hopefully you'll hear from me a little more, too :D

Things I've Learned While Traveling With My Family

2011-12-27T13:32:00.000-08:00

Murphy's law applies. Anything can go wrong will go wrong. There is no probably in our family. It is a simple fact.

We got off to a late start in part because I was up til 3 am packing and in part because we really are just that slow. We stopped to get breakfast and before you know it it's 11 am and we're an hour from home. Yeah.

December 27th is quite possibly the worst day to travel on the road anywhere. We clearly were not thinking when we decided to pick this day to travel because, well, everyone else is trying to get home today. Here's the problem, though. The speed limit is 70 mph. We're going somewhere between 20 and 40 at any given time. I have no idea why we can't all just drive the speed limit, but if you get enough cars on the road, apparently half the horses in our engines run away and we're stuck barely moving. And there is no wreck, mind you, no construction. Just good ole fashioned idiocy on the road. Fun times.

If you give Dylan something new, no matter how sturdy or expensive, he will break it. They both got mp3 players for Christmas and new head phones and he's had them for all of 2 days and yep, snapped in half. That's my boy.

You will inevitably have forgotten the things you need, like your migraine pills, tums (because, yes Courtney, you absolutely will get the worst stomach ache of your life somewhere in South Carolina, it happens every. single. time.) and Cars 2.

Even when you say you'll drive, he can apparently read your apprehension and insist on driving. oops. In my defense, I'll be driving the entire trip home alone with the kids while he stays behind to tie up some things with his moms estate.

Just when you think the traffic has finally sped up, it will slow down again, just to irritate you.

It's looking like we'll be there somewhere around midnight. Shoot me. Please?

My Brother, My Ethan

2011-12-13T14:38:00.000-08:00

This, my little brother, not by blood, but by things more important, is finally, finally home. No longer is he halfway around the world, a picture on the other side of the computer screen. Finally he is home safe, where he belongs. God is so good, and I am so very thankful to have him home for Christmas. I think I don't need anything else.

Thanksgiving

2011-11-26T17:42:00.001-08:00

I was supposed to run yesterday, but I didn't. I vowed to get caught up today, but I didn't. Oh well. Monday is a new day.

I don't think I've blogged since Thanksgiving. I know I blogged about how I was having Thanksgiving with my whole family, but I don't think I blogged about how incredibly amazing it was. We had a great time. We had lunch at the church and played games and just talked and laughed and it was great. Spent a lot of time with my brother, and we laughed and laughed and it felt so good. God is amazing. The kids had fun, too and Ali and Dylan had a couple of friends to hang out with and Anthony had a blast with us buddies, too.

Here's Ali playing Uno with some friends, the little boy attached himself to us, I think he thought Ali was cute.

Here's the teenagers playing some game (I have no idea). They had fun, though, so it must be okay. :)

And this? Well, this is my boy. My sweet, sweet, nearly 14 year old nephew-who-calls-me-mom. I love this kid so much I can't see. I couldn't imagine our lives without him. So thankful for him and the chance we have to have him in our lives.

When we got home we were going to go shopping for Black Friday, but eventually we decided against it. We learned that we could get almost everything online and save nearly as much, without the cold and crazy people. Turned out stuff was selling out online almost as quickly as it would in the store, and we had to check out 3 different times because each time we'd go back something would have sold out, but eventually we got it done. I'm really excited about this Christmas. It's going to be an awesome one, for sure. My two favorite things that we got the kids are this awesome globe and telescope. The globe has a light sensor in it and when the lights go out it lights up from the inside turning the globe into a constellation map. Too cool!

Yes, my kids are absolute nerds and both asked for a telescope and a globe for Christmas. They're also getting a wii and games for them both and such. They're both also getting some movies and a single person tent for each of them, Dylan's a frog and Ali's a Hippo. My mother gives both of the kids a hippo of some sort every Christmas, so now we just have to find Dylan one. There are lots of other little things, too, and they're going to be so excited!

Last night Eric, the kids and I put up our tree. Turned out pretty good, actually. Today we put the rest of the decorations up, and we had dinner out with my parents since Dad is in town, so technically, our Thanksgiving lasted through today. I heart that our family stretches things out like that!

Sorry the pic is so dark, best I could do. Loser, I know :) We did notice that at the bottom of the tree, in the absence of the lights, is the Grinch's face. Idk if you can see it in this picture, but I promise you, it is there!

My mom and I put this Santa together when I was 4 or 5 years old. That means it's nearly 25. That's insane, but I love it!

And this is the new stocking Eric bought me! I love, love, love it so much, I can't even describe!

After we were done the kids played outside and Anthony played with my camera, and as I went out to get them, I saw this...

Great ending to a great day :)

Thanksgiving. No, really. (One Word 2011 Wrap Up.)

2011-11-22T20:08:00.001-08:00

I'm sitting here with a smirk on my face, completely in awe of who I am and what I was. I've been reading through my Thanksgiving posts from the last few years, and it aches to remember those lonely scary days, but I almost don't recognize her anymore. I also read my OneWord post again. And then I read the comments. Here, have a look at the most powerful ones.

Alece

January 4, 2011 8:12 PM

between the tears and the goosebumps, i'm just ... wow. you are so brave. so courageous. you've already got fearlessness in you! this is gonna be a powerfully freeing year for you. in ways you cannot even begin to imagine.

thank you. for your rawness and your realness. thank you.

Jason

January 4, 2011 7:33 PM

Wow...I'm so sorry you had to go through any of that. But your word...wow. I'm excited for you. 2011 is going to be a year of powerful healing for you. God bless you.

Jen

January 4, 2011 7:29 PM

Oh my dang.

I am so stinking proud of you. Bish, you made me cry.

Okay, I just threw that last one in there because I heart Jen so much and I literally quote that about once a week. <3

But they were so right. 2011 was a very, very powerful year. I know that it isn't over yet, but my finite mind can't imagine it getting much more powerful than this. I realize that while I've been blogging a bit more frequently, I've not been getting into the nitty gritty details of life anymore. So, loves, here we go.

Every year for the past several years I have just barely survived Thanksgiving. I will tell you straight to your face that I hate Thanksgiving, and for a very long time I had no idea why. A couple of years ago I figured it out, but to be perfectly honest it doesn't matter.

I'm sitting here on the eve of the eve of the most hated day of the year, and I feel nothing but peace. For the first time in five years I will be spending Thanksgiving with my family. My entire family. Including my brother.

The past several years have been long and hard but I've pushed through, and thanks to several very close friends, some of whom I've never even met before, I kept my eye on the prize. For me, the prize was freedom. Freedom from the past, from the hurt and crippling fear that my memories can bring. I wanted to be able to live life again. There were times that I lost sight of that, but my very best friend in the whole wide world, Stacey, pushed me on. (Of course, she can't see that, but her opinion doesn't count, anyhow)

Now here I am, 28 years old, and finally I am able to be free. Over the last couple of months my brother and I have been growing and healing, forgiving and reconciling. It's been a slow journey, but one well worth the pain it took to get here. For the first time in five years, last night, my brother told me that he loved me. And with no hesitation I replied "I love you too."

Only God could have brought that kind of beauty out of the ashes that are my past. He is faithful, and I'm so glad that I held on for so long, so glad that I never truly, fully gave up, and so thankful that he never gave up on me. God is faithful, and his healing is powerful, and I will continue to fight, and I will continue to rise from the ashes of my past into the hope of an amazing future.

Thank you to those of you who stood by me, and continue to stand by me every day that I walk this walk called life. You are loved. You are appreciated. I am thankful for you.

Winding Down

2011-11-21T20:24:00.001-08:00

It's been a really long couple of days and I'm honestly so glad they're coming to the end. I ran out of one of my medications Friday and just got them today. By last night I was withdrawing and it sucked. Like, sucked. I'm so thankful for an amazing psychiatrist who makes sure I have what I need immediately. God is good.

Being off my medication not only affected me physically, but also mentally as well, and when you're having a hard time mentally and things go wrong, it just makes life more difficult. I'm so thankful for a husband and best friend who are very forgiving and understanding when it comes to these sort of things.

I did a very, very quick photo shoot for some friends at church yesterday, mostly just to have pictures to send home for the holidays. I took them on her camera so I have no idea how they really turned out, but she seemed pleased with them, so I'll accept that.

We still aren't sure about Eric's car. Probably it's totaled, but we're really praying that it isn't. Hopefully we'll know soon because Eric is overwhelmed and stressed and we're taking it out on each other.

I went to talk to Dylan's teacher about his eye today. I let her know that if he hit his head with any real force that we needed to know just so we could make sure it didn't affect his vision, and low and behold, it wasn't 2 o'clock before she called me. Sigh. That kid's gonna be the death of me. Luckily it was nothing and he's fine, and I can imagine we'll be doing this song and dance frequently. Please keep praying that the retinoschisis is just from an old trauma and it won't ever progress. We're going to see an ophthalmologist soon to get a better idea of what we're dealing with.

oh hey, now that I've bored you to death, I did my run today. Actually I redid day one because Stace was with me and she wanted to try it. I thought I was going to die. It was so humid, but I made it. We did finish, and I think that on Wednesday I'm going to try to start on week 2. Pray I survive because it excites me so much and all I can think about it running. Psycho, I know.

And that's about it.

Because I'm boring :D

Insert witty title here... I'm blank.

2011-11-19T17:50:00.001-08:00

My mom kept the kids this evening, and I got home and did my day 3 run for couch to 5k. So stinkin' excited ya'll! It was honestly easier. The first two days I stopped after interval four to get water and bring my heart rate down. Generally I would sit for about three minutes. Today I did grab water, but I didn't sit at all! When I finished I was over the moon because already I shaved a minute 32 off my mile. Like... woah. And I didn't die, so there's that.

So then I come in to cool down and shower and crawl in bed to await the arrival of my sweet, adorable, wonderful husband. Okay, yeah I'm playing that up a bit. Let me back up.

As I left my moms house today, I had an impending feeling of doom. I literally almost turned around to go get my kids because I was terrified something bad was going to happen and I'd never see them again.

Ya'll I almost never worry about stuff like that. I mean, yeah, I have my stuff I'm neurotic over, but usually that's not one of them. So I was like okay chill out you're over reacting nothing is going to happen. But as I drove I began to really worry so I started to pray, and suddenly I realized that it wasn't them I was worried about but Eric. (I know I'm crazy just follow along)

So I pray more and ask God to just keep us all safe and bring us all home together again. Then I called Stacey to make sure she was alive, you know, just in case.

Soooo... I'm laying in bed in my jammies eating a pb&j (don't judge me) and my phone rings. It's Eric. The following conversation went something like this, slightly edited.

"Hello"

"Hey, I'm gonna be a little bit late."

(Imagine me, ears piqued like a hound on the hunt)

"Umm what's wrong?"

"I hit a freaking deer!"

To which I reply...

"I KNEW IT! I told you something bad was going to happen. Ugh, I knew it."

"Yeah, you know, I'm fine, but I'm going to be a bit late."

Oh sweet lovely sarcasm, how we love you in this family. I really do love you and worry about you honey.

So, yeah. Long story short, I ended up having to drive an hour to get him, but we're home now. The rental car places are all closed apparently, so it'll be Tuesday before we can get one since he has to work tomorrow and Monday and the insurance will only pay for it if he picks it up. Yeah. So thankfully my mom is going to come stay with me so I can get the kids to and from church and such. Here's a picture of the damage. Lucky one, my husband is. Apparently it was a six pointer and some of our hunting friends are jealous :)

So, that was my day in a nutshell. How was yours?

Oh, btw, congrats to Katie for running your first 5k ever and kicking it's butt. <3 you girl!

Haircut!

2011-11-19T12:26:00.001-08:00

So, my boy got his hair cut today. I was nervous because they always cut it too short, but today it turned out really well! We also ordered his glasses, but it'll be a week or so before we get them. anyhow. here you go.

Excuse him, he's shoving a celebratory cupcake into his mouth :) We also ordered his glasses today, but I forgot to get a picture. I'll upload when when they come in.

<3
Court

I Survived!

2011-11-17T19:14:00.001-08:00

So the day is settling down and the kids and sleeping and I've been waiting hours to write this post because I'm a total nerd.

So although it was cold and I generally wasn't in a great mood, I went for a run anyhow. Okay, I don't think I can actually qualify it as a run, yet, but still. I did day 2 of the couch to 5k program, and I FINISHED. Once again I stopped halfway for about 3 minutes and let my heart rate come down, but honestly, it was easier today. (is that even possible?!) And I felt good walking home, not like I was going to die. I'm so excited! I honestly can't wait to get out there and try it again on Saturday. I just hope my heart will be able to handle it as the intervals lengthen, because I'm ubber excited to be a 'runner', because it's something that I never, ever thought I would be.

I've honestly always been afraid to try. But as the year ends, I'm reminded of my oneword2011. Fearless. So I'm going to do this full on, unafraid of failure, because even being able to run a little is a victory for me.

So, bring it on Saturday. I will kick your butt!

Oh, and to entice you to read this post, here's a totally unrelated picture of my children at their purest form... ignoring mommy :D

Bits of my day.

2011-11-16T22:58:00.001-08:00

So I'm on a 'I'm gonna lose weight' kick hardcore over here. I really have had enough of being uncomfortable in my skin. I want to feel fit and I honestly I do want to be skinny. I mean, I'll probably never be skinny, skinny, but skinnier would be nice.

So like I said the other night, I started couch to 5k. Tomorrow is day 2, and I'm determined I am going to do it. I'm still working out the logistics of it as my day is pretty well full, but I will do it. I will.

Hear me?

K, now hold me to that. :D

In other news my days has been fairly productive. Got up after nearly no sleep and cleaned the house, and then after school Dylan had an eye appointment. After the initial assessment the Dr. was certain the his vision was fine and that he didn't need glasses, but right before we left he decided he wanted to do a dilation and just double check. So Dylan and I hang out for 15 minutes while the drops work their magic, and the Dr. comes back in and does another exam. He turns and looks at the nurse and says 'Well, that was more than I expected'. Words every mother wants to hear.

So he decided that Dylan probably does need glasses, but for reading only, which is good, because if he had to play in them or wear them for any length of time he'd break them sure as I'm sitting here. But that wasn't the interesting part. Oh no, my children have to always be special.

So the Dr. asks me about the scar on Dylan's face right below his eye and I told him how he got it and he asked me if he'd had any trauma to the other eye, to which I replied 'he's Dylan, he's a walking head trauma'. He liked that. However. He found a scar on Dylan's left eye, but was more concerned with the fact that he has Retinoschisis, which is retinal splitting: localized splitting of the retina into two layers with an intervening space. Dylan's appeared to have fluid in between the layers. The doctor sounded very unconcerned, saying that it was most likely caused from a fall and he wants to see him back in six months to make sure that it doesn't worsen. However, being the medical moron that I am, I've googled it, and turns out that there are two major reasons for Retinoschisis. One is trauma... like shaken baby/abused child trauma. The other is Juvenile Retinoschisis which is an inherited disease carried by mothers, and as Dylan is a major klutz but has never been abused or had any serious head trauma, I'm slightly concerned about this. There really isn't anything they can do about it, so perhaps that's why he didn't mention it to me? Maybe he didn't want to worry me, seeing as there was a scar there and that is very likely the cause. I don't know. Probably that's exactly what it is, but for now, please pray that that is it, and that there is no further degeneration.

Okay so I'm off to try to sleep, once again at 2:30 am. I've seriously got to do something about my sleeping patterns! Annnyhow. Love to all <3

A Whole Lotta Nothin'

2011-11-15T22:59:00.001-08:00

Sometimes people post about nothing, right? So that's what I'm going to do :)

I woke up with the kids this morning ( and by this morning I mean Tuesday morning) and got them ready for school, but I was super groggy so I asked Eric very nicely if he would get up and take them to school and he did because he is amazing. I went back to sleep and had some crazy nightmare that I would rather not relive, however my daddy and I took the guy down, like smack down style, so there is that :D

After I woke up and ate I decided hey, I think I'll go exercise. Several weeks ago I downloaded a couch to 5k app on my phone, but I never even opened after that. But I've been reading Katie's posts over at Loves of Life, how she's trained for and is about to run a 5k, and I thought hey, why not?

Well, I have a heart condition, that's why not...

But never mind that, I'm on medication. It isn't perfect but it does control my rhythm and rate fairly well and so off I went. I started the program and it told me to walk a five minute warm up and then it told me to start running. It was 8 intervals of running 60 seconds and walking 90. I had to stop after interval four to get water and bring my heart rate down, but I said a little prayer and thought of Katie determined to finish. As I reached number 6 I had gotten it into my head that it was 10 intervals, and I just didn't think I had it in me, but I kept screaming in my head 'you can do it, you can do it'. As I finished number 8 I decided to call it quits and start the walk home when *BAM* it said 'slow pace to cool down'. I smiled this huge goofy smile (the guy walking past me probably thought I was nuts). I did it. I finished. I honestly couldn't believe it, but I did. And it felt. so. good.

So I trekked home and chugged some water and said goodbye to my husband for three days and went to get the kids from school. The neighbor had her baby yesterday, so her 4 year old came to play for a little while this afternoon and the kids had fun with that. Then we did homework and dinner and the kids and I played a couple of rounds of Halo on the xbox (don't judge me). Also before dinner I went outside to try to get a halfway decent picture for my daily photo over at my photo blog, and this is what I got. Feel free to go check out the rest of my pictures. It would make a girl happy :D

And now here it is, 2 am and I've just finished up a 6 hour Halo marathon because I just don't get to do it that often, and occasionally I just don't want to be an adult.

Tomorrow Dylan has an eye appointment. He's been complaining about his eyes for a while, but we weren't really sure if he was actually having trouble seeing or just being Dylan, but at his Kindergarten physical they said they were less than 20/20, so we're going to get him checked because he's been using my glasses to read his sight words because the print is apparently too small. Or he's Dylan. I guess we'll find out which tomorrow.

For now I think I'll watch an episode of Craig Ferguson and prepare to sleep for a few hours before the baby gets here. Sweet dreams :D

I Heart Faces Autumn Splendor

2011-11-14T18:40:00.001-08:00

This week's I heart faces photo challenge is titled Autumn Splendor. Growing up in Florida, Autumn doesn't mean much. But here. Oh it is glorious here. I have been sick these past few days, but I made myself go out yesterday and take pictures, and I honestly can't wait to get out and do it again before it's all gone and winter comes in for good. This turned out to be my favorite shot. There is something about the warmth of it. It's straight out of the camera,and I heart this little girl with her deep eyes and messy hair. She is my Heart.

Hop on over to Iheartfaces and check out all of the other amazing entries and leave a little love, too!

Confessions of a Paramedic's wife.

2011-11-07T20:28:00.000-08:00

To say I wouldn't marry him if I knew then what I know now would be a lie. However, I can say that I was totally and completely unprepared for the road this marriage has brought us down.

Being the spouse of a public servant is very much like being a military spouse. Now I'm not saying that my husband being gone for 2 or 3 days is anything compared to yours being gone for a year, but it has its challenges.

Today is a day that I just feel completely overwhelmed. I often say that I didn't get married to be a single parent, but the actuality of it is that I am, in most ways, a single parent. It's hard. It's stressful. There are times when I find it very hard to not be bitter.

However.

Being a paramedic's wife has also brought a heck of a lot of into this house. For instance:

At the dinner table we talk about codes and car accidents and whining drunks.

When our kids get hurt the first question is "are you bleeding?" If the answer is no then "You're fine."

If the answer is yes then we reply with something like "Don't get it on the carpet!"

Also, "If you break your leg I am NOT driving you to the Emergency room" is frequently heard in this house.

Fridays generally mean nothing to us, as our weekends are basically when daddy's home.

We can't watch medical shows of any sort because we spend the entire time going "Oh come on YOU DO NOT SHOCK ASYSTOLE!"

I started this post hours ago when I was worn down from dealing with the kids all afternoon alone and trying to get the house cleaned and laundry done and get everyone ready to go to church by seven, but now I'm actually in a much better place. So here's the main confession from this paramedic's wife.

Our life is not conventional. We make little money and have only halfway decent benefits. Our children have insane medical vocabularies and twisted senses of humor, and unless they are dying, get no sympathy from us. We laugh at the most inappropriate moments, live apart half the time, and probably seem crazy to everyone around us. But it works for us. So I guess that's okay.

You know, now that I'm not cussing my husband for leaving me home with these two hoodlums for 3 days straight :D

Black

2011-11-06T22:23:00.000-08:00

Here's my entry for the iheartfaces photo challenge this week. The theme is black. I heart this picture :D

Hope on over and check out all of the other darkness :D

Family

2011-11-05T12:24:00.000-07:00

Today I am thankful for my family. I'm thankful for the time we get to spend together, and I'm thankful for getting to celebrate the little things.

My dad is a truck driver, and he gets to come home every three weeks. He's home this weekend, and so we're celebrating.

The best part is that I'm celebrating with my family, and there are as many people here that don't share my blood line as there are who do.

My sister is in the kitchen, and she's much more like my mom than I am. But we share no common genes.

My nieces and nephews are outside playing with my children, and there is no commonality in their DNA.

My favorite thing about family is that you really can choose your family, no matter what people say. So the kids who live down the road are now ours, the same as my three are. (In case you weren't aware, Anthony has officially claimed me as his mother, although we can't adopt him, unfortunately. Thankfully his father is actually trying to be a human again.)

And my best friend is now my sister, and her brothers are mine too. And we are praying that the middle one comes home safely from Iraq, and very soon, so that he can be here to celebrate Christmas with us. As a family. Their parents, my parents. It's all the same anymore, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

So today, I'm thankful for family, and thankful that DNA doesn't have as much say as you would think.

Relaxation

2011-11-03T15:17:00.000-07:00

I'd gotten so caught up in life lately that I'd kind of let my house go. Like... totally go. So I spent today doing some laundry and cleaning. The floors even got mopped/vacuumed. My sheets are clean, too, which is Heaven for me! The only thing I didn't do was the kids' end of the house. Their hallway and rooms are their responsibility, and I'm really not in the mood to argue with them over it. Besides they missed school yesterday, so they had double homework to do.

So now I'm here blogging, laying in between my clean sheets at 6:13 p.m. feeling not one ounce of guilt because I did my job today :D

I'm honestly laying here thinking I should be doing something (not work, but something creative), but I can't think of what, so for now I'll relax and watch T.V. Maybe I'll do a little writing later.

Much love ~

Healing

2011-11-02T14:27:00.000-07:00

I've learned over the past few years that healing happens when you're not paying attention. Just when you're living your life. I know that this post deserves so much more than I am capable of giving right this second, but I wanted to share something with all of you who've been reading this blog from the beginning.

Healing.

Last Wednesday night my mom's church had a Trunk-or-Treat. I don't have words except to tell you that my brother and I sat in the back of my mom's jeep and passed out candy together. There was no tension. There was nothing but us, my mom, Stace, the kids, and Halloween. I can only give that one to God. Only he can redeem something like that.

Sunday morning view

2011-10-30T08:10:00.001-07:00

Satisfaction

2011-10-15T20:15:00.000-07:00

Today has been a yay day for me! I've been trying to lose weight, and while I've no idea if I've actually lost any, I have been doing very well with the diet and exercise. Today Stace and I walked 2.5 miles with the kids, and yesterday I did 3. Very nice.

And now, you asked why I'm so satisfied? Well, as we were walking we stopped at the playground so the kids could play. Ali, being the stealthy one that she is, took my cell phone and texted my mother to see if they could stay the night. Only, she didn't say hey Mimi can we stay the night? She said Can Ali and Dylan stay the night with you? Gotta love how she put that on me. But she said yes so I took the kids up there and then stopped and had Mexican for dinner. Oh, yes. Mexican :) Sigh

I came home and took a hot shower and then I decided I wanted to paint my nails. I'm wearing grey tomorrow, but I didn't have any grey polish, so I mixed my own. It turned out pretty well, I think. Now I'm laying here blogging to you, drinking apple cider (not the watery souped up apple juice, but actual think amazing apple cider) and watching Craig Ferguson because he is my hero :)

And now I shall sleep, because we all know I LOVE to sleep. Good night world.

Prayers for my Children

2011-10-14T16:04:00.000-07:00

I blogged last week about writing prayers to pray daily for my family and closest friends. First I worked on the prayers for Eric and I, and then I sat down to write the prayers for my children. It's funny, the list grows every day. But I guess that's a good thing. The thing I'm working on most for me right now is how I interact with my children. I find myself getting after them entirely too often. I catch myself yelling over something that just isn't that important. So right now I'm working on being gentle with them, praising them and encouraging them, and correcting them in a gentle manner as opposed to the "Italian-but-not" way we're accustomed to. (You'd have to spend 24 hours with my family to understand that statement. Love you, Tia.) My prayers for them flowed out of the end of the pen with no difficulty at all, and the list grows every day. I wanted to share a few with you guys, so here it is. There are some that are specific to each child, but I want to share the ones for both.

1. That they continue to grow in knowledge and love for you, and when they are ready, will become Christians, devoting their whole hearts to you.
2. That when they start to date they will be wise in their choices, choosing only young men/women you would approve of.
3. That they will remain sexually pure, saving themselves for the spouses you have purposed for them.
4. That they choose a husband/wife that loves you more than them and seeks only to please you, a spouse that will help them get to Heaven.
5. That they will be able to withstand temptation and always seek the way out.
6. That they will recognize the lies of the enemy and put them away.
7. That as teenagers their relationships with Eric and I will be strong, that our communications will remain open. That there won't be anger or resentment, but love and respect on both ends.
8. That as teens they will remain firmly grounded in you, that they won't go down the wrong paths, avoiding drugs and alcohol, that they will have pure tongues, and choose to spend time with their friends at home or in a safe environment.
9. that they will remain active in the church throughout their teen and college years, revolving their lives, recreation, entertainment, and friendships around you.
10. That they will surround themselves with Godly friends that will build them up and keep them accountable.

These prayers are close to my heart, since I know it is my responsibility to pray for their future now!

Pictures

2011-10-13T19:35:00.000-07:00

I was a bit bored earlier today so I took the kids outside and did some shooting with the camera. I'm still trying to shake the dust off of it, don't mind me :) Here are my favorites of the day.

Guess what I did :)

2011-10-12T17:58:00.001-07:00

Excuse the quality and lack of smile, I really do LOVE it. Whatcha think?

Insecurities Run a Rampant

2011-10-09T17:52:00.000-07:00

So, as I said the other day, I haven't picked up my camera in quite a while, and the little bit that I have used it, I've not been serious about it. So I thought I'd try to get back in the swing of things, since I know I'm going to have a few shoots coming up soon. I don't like the results. Meh. They aren't perfect, and that gets to me. Satan preys on that, preys on my insecurities and makes me feel worthless. So, to combat that, here are the pictures I took today.

25 Prayers for My Husband

2011-10-09T17:41:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Mel, and the wonders of Facebook, I came across this today. I've always had a hard time reciting prayers. It almost feels, well, rehearsed. Like they aren't from the heart. But I've come to realize that perhaps that just isn't true. They are from the heart when they were written, and honestly, I don't think God cares how many times you pray the same exact prayer, as long as you're praying... I digress.

This post is actually very amazing. It's such a fantastic idea. Not only do these prayers need to be prayed, but I think it will help me to pray regularly, to make a habit of it. I can see me now, sitting on the patio with my cup of hot cider and my notebook, just talking to God. :) It makes me happy to think of it. Also, I know that prayer is so powerful that even if these things you're praying aren't the goals of the person you're praying for, God can change that. That means it's my responsibility to appeal to God on part of my family, my friends, my enemies. Probably that one's the hardest, but it needs to be done.

So I'm vowing to work on this tonight. I'll work on prayers for each of my children, my husband, my parents, my closest friends, and my brother. Sigh. When I'm done I will come back here and share with you what I've come up with, or at least some of what I come up with. I encourage you to do the same for your families, and for yourself as well.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, here I am at nearly midnight. I've spent a little time working on the lists for Eric and myself. I'm certain they aren't complete, but it's a start. Here are some of the things I'd like to share with you.

Me:
- That I fully rely on you for everything, coming to you in good times, and bad.
- That I will immerse myself in your word, learning who you are, and who I am, and should be, praying to you every day, in all things.
- That through medication and prayer and study I will have better control of my bi-polar disorder and PTSD, and that I will accept the fact that sometimes it really is beyond my control, and that doesn't make me a bad person.
- That I won't allow Satan to prey on those insecurities, and that I'll recognize his lies and put them away.
- That I will follow through with things that I start.
- That I will teach my children every day about you, not only in words, but in actions through every thing I do.
- That I will recognize that people are looking to me, and it is my responsibility to make sure they see Jesus in me.
- That I will continue to give, even when all I have to give is my time, and that I will teach my children to do the same.
- That I will learn the act of forgiveness, and that I won't allow my past to cloud my judgement.
-That I will take my past experiences with emotional and sexual abuse, and my abuse of drugs and alcohol, and allow you to use them to help others, to show these things can be conquered.
- To continue to conquer them.
- That I will go out of my way to be the best helper I can for my husband, that I will remember his needs and be a support to him, loving him completely, being wholly devoted to him and our marriage.

Eric:
- That he will continue to grow into the spiritual leader of this house, of our family, as you would have him to be.
- That he will be a good example of a Christian man to our children.
- That he will guard his heart against inappropriate relationships with the opposite sex, and that his heart will be pure and wholly devoted to me and our marriage.
- That his health will remain well, and even improve, that he may continue to provide for our family and live a full life with us, not just watching his children grow, but participating in that growth.
- That he will form Godly relationships with men to encourage him spiritually and help him be accountable to you.
- That he will have wisdom and discernment when it comes to disciplining our children, and that you will enable him to love them unconditionally.
- That he will be a man of prayer, and spend time with you often.
- That you will help safeguard his heart from Satan, and that he will recognize the lies of the enemy.
- That we become wise stewards of our money, and learn to better manage our finances together.

So, that's not 25, but those are some of the very importants in our life. I'm still working on my lists (there are many). What are you praying for?

Tis the season to be jolly :D

2011-10-08T16:47:00.001-07:00

I love October. It's my favorite month of the year. Mostly it's the beginning of the holiday season, which means I can decorate. Problem was, I didn't have any Halloween decorations. Thankfully there's a Dollar tree about a mile from here, and I have a bit of home made creativity on my side, so now we have awesome decorations. Take a look.

I'm an UnSilenced Survivor.

2011-10-05T11:31:00.000-07:00

We all have people in our lives that have had an impact on us in varying degrees. People that have shaped us, taught us, impacted our very cores. There are those we look up to in reverent silence, in awe of who they are, the life they live, the God they serve.

We all have those people in our lives.

Sometimes, however, our core gets shaken when we realize that sometimes those people aren't exactly who you thought they were. Who they claimed to be.

We all have secrets and demons. There is not one among us who is perfect, who doesn't have some ~~huge~~ little secret they hide from the world. Some of our secrets are bigger than others, but we cannot deny they are there. If we were perfect, there wouldn't have been any need for Christ to have come. I am the first to say that we are all flawed and forgiven, and in turn need to be quick to forgive.

Several weeks ago I attended a lectureship, and my life was changed. One of the teachers said that we can't forgive based on how worthy the person is of forgiveness, but on the fact that we were fogiven, evil as we are.

Well, lets just stomp all over Courtney's toes, now, shall we?

Sigh.

I have had a very hard few years, as most of you know. But of course, he was right: it was time to forgive. Now that I think about it, it's funny how it worked out. God does things in amazing ways. As we arrived at my mother's house after Sunday worship that weekend, my brother walked up. Slowly over the last six months things have gotten better between us, but there was still that tenseness. That not quite willing to forgive feeling on my side. I've thought I'd forgiven, and maybe to a degree I had. But not fully. My mind was blinded by the past. But he walked up, and I sat there in the car, trying to decide what to do. Then I heard his words. He had been baptized that morning at his church.

Insert kick to the teeth.

I'll save you the rest of my rambling and just say that forgiveness was in order that day, and somehow I managed to give it.

And then I learned a lesson, a very tough one to learn. Just because you forgive someone, doesn't mean that the past is going to leave you alone. It doesn't mean that those things you've forgiven aren't going to haunt you again, and perhaps soon.

Oh, was that lesson a hard one to learn. I received information that a person that I respect very much, that I've looked up to, was accused of molestation, and has pretty much admitted to it. The details are eerily similar to the details of my past, and my heart sank, and I'm unsure of how to deal. My dreams swam with visions of my childhood, my brain can't focus and I'm unsure of how to step forward. Somehow, it feels instead, like three steps back.

There isn't much more I can say here. I started this post because I didn't want to. I wanted to stop thinking of it all, pretend none of it is happening, and let it go. But then I read this, and decided I can't do that. I am an UnSilenced Survivor, and I can't let that stop now, just because I want to shove it all away, yet again.

I am UnSilenced, and I'll fight to remain that way always, no matter how hard it is. I will remain UnSilenced because there are so many out there who want to be, and can't. This is me speaking not only for myself, but for them, too.

Nature children

2011-10-04T11:35:00.001-07:00

So I took the kids to the park the other day and took some pictures to post here... Excerpt I dropped my phone in the creek and had to put it in rice immediately. Nevertheless, here are the pictures of my nature children. I've no idea where they get it from ;)

Notice their "hiking" sticks. I love their imaginations. Also I love that its cool enough to wear jackets and forbid then from actually getting in said creek. That is all.

Oh wait, no, it isn't. Two other things. One,, I'm getting a new baby to keep during the day which means a little extra income. I'll also have his older sister some, and that'll help too. They live next door to us, and the kids have made friends and its just nice to have a place they can go back and forth to, you know? That's how I remember my childhood.

The other thing: the kids' school is offering every student rosetta stone free. They'll both pick a language, and since its online, they can learn both languages together. I am super stoked about this and very, very impressed with the school. Okay, really, that's all this time :)

Confession

2011-10-02T14:04:00.000-07:00

I have a confession to make.

I've not picked up my camera in over 6 months.

I KNOW! I don't know why, I just... haven't. I guess that's a lie, because I tried to get some good pictures of my kids for Eric's fathers day card and it was a miserable failure. Usually I do a lot of photography through the summer, but this summer, I didn't.

This morning at worship a friend and fellow photographer asked me if I would do pictures of her family this weekend. I had to fight a panic attack! Seriously, I feel completely inadequate. So I've decided that I'm going to become adequate once again. I need to get some good pictures of my kids, anyhow. Their school pictures were fine, but they're charging an arm and a leg for a package, and I've got two kids. So we won't be purchasing school pictures. Good thing I'm a photographer (or at least I used to be) huh?

Anyhow, I went out for a quick walk and took a few shots. Here you go:)

Good v. Bad

2011-10-01T19:42:00.000-07:00

Today has been a day of good and bad. It's like, there were too many good things for the day to suck, and too many bad things to be elated about the good things. Here's how it went.

I slept til 2: Good.

I forgot to take my meds: not so good.

Since it was 60 degrees outside, I took the kids to the park and they got to play in the creek (ie crawl over the rocks in the creek in a desperate attempt to get as close to the water as possible without getting wet): awesome

I dropped my phone in said creek: awful. Okay really, it wouldn't have been awful if I had had it in my possession longer than thirty hours.

We decided to watch the Lion King on youtube, but my sucktastic internet wouldn't load it: really? okay this is sucking more and more.

I baked a cake and for the first time in my life, I destroyed it: you have GOT to be kidding me?!

Luckily on the upside tomorrow is the first Sunday of the month and we have dinner on the grounds, and our second service is early as well so we'll be home for good by 3. That means perhaps we'll have a chance to enjoy the cool weather and maybe, just maybe, things will suck a little less tomorrow.

So...I'm going to stick with the good of the day, because in my opinion you simply can't destroy a 60 degree day with warm apple cider and time with your kids at the park. No matter how hard you try.

I love October. Other than the start of school, IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR :) Except, perhaps, Christmas. Well, not Christmas day, but the actual season...

Anyhow. I'm chilly, so I think I'll take a hot shower and have one more cup of hot cider. :) God is good.

Walks, talks, and bits of God

2011-09-20T16:57:00.000-07:00

I think the things I like most about life are the little things God inserts into your life to remind you that he's there. I don't know if many of you know, but have a thing about dragonflies. As in... perhaps I'm a bit addicted :) I hold them close to my heart, and every time I see one, I think of God, and tell myself that he put that dragonfly there for me.

Today after school I helped the kids get their homework done and we went to the park right next to our house to walk on the walking trail. I love when it's just the kids and I because we have the best talks. Today we talked about decimals and fractions, we named the continents and talked about them, we named animals that live on certain continents. We also discussed the difference between continents, countries, states, cities, etc. We just talked and talked as we walked (slowly, might I add... there isn't much calorie burning when your walking partners have legs the size of your shin. Okay that's probably a bit of an exaggeration, but you get the point), and as we got about a half a mile down the trail, we noticed in one of the fields all of these bugs flying around. At first I couldn't tell what they were, but Dylan said "Mommy, they're dragonflies!"

Immediately I felt surrounded, enveloped by God. It was a feeling of peace, and hope. I stopped and took a video, and kept on walking. We passed another field, and there were more dragonflies. And then another, and another. I couldn't help but smile. And I can't help but feel loved, cherished, thought of. I love that my God thinks of even me. Little me. Sigh :)

Also, I love you Dragonfly.

P.S. I tried to upload the video, but you couldn't even see the dragonflies on the computer, but I tried.

The Persecuted Church

2011-09-17T10:06:00.001-07:00

Today, I pray for the persecuted church. And pray a prayer of thanksgiving that I have the freedom to do so loudly, proclaiming it here to the world.

Lord, I am unsure why you deemed me worthy to be born in this great country where I am free to worship you. Help me to remember that freedom, to take advantage of that freedom, to share you, for I know that in those 51 countries that this message is illegal in, they are sharing you anyway.
I love you, I praise you.
In Christ's name
Amen

Hodge. Podge.

2011-09-15T16:27:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting on my front porch listening to the birds chirp,pretending that I'm not paying my kids any attention so they can be big kids. Truthfully, I'm listening to their voices every second, following the sound of Dylan's scooter on the sidewalk. I can hear the other kids playing, too, and it reassures me, but still, my babies are growing up.

And it just started sprinkling on my head.

Anyhow.

I think we're starting to settle in here in our new home. We're flourishing as a family, being more productive and possibly better functioning than we ever have. It's easy here, for some reason. After school every day we do homework and the kids play, then before bed we do a Bible study and say our prayers, and Ali reads 20 minutes worth of pure Narnian gold to us in the form of Prince Caspian. I've found it easier to keep tabs on the house, keep the dishes semi-clean and the laundry semi-done. I've been spending a lot more time with God, and it's making a major difference in all our lives'.

The kids are doing well in school, too well, I'm sure. Ali is already complaining that the work is too easy, and I keep assuring her that they're still doing review and it will get better, when in all actuality I know that's not 100% true. I'm going to speak with her teacher on Monday about it, because she is really feeling unchallenged. Dylan is doing well, and while he is above grade level in math and science, he's young enough that busy work keeps him happy. And that's okay with me for now. I've been supplementing at home with higher level math lessons and science as well. They love science. They're nerds.

Finally, I'm on a quest to lose weight. For the first time in my life I've been asked to be a bridesmaid in a wedding, and I refuse to be the fat chick in the wedding. Ha. But seriously. I do. The kids and I walked a little over a mile tonight, but we had to come home because poor Dylan ran most of it, and wore himself out. I tried to explain him the value of pacing yourself, but I'm not sure he gets it yet. Oh well. At least they like to be active.

Oh, I'm so excited that the high tomorrow is 63. LONG SLEEVE WEATHER! So excited. Sad it will only last a couple of days, but this is the beginning of the end of summer, and I can't wait, personally. I guess I've rambled enough, time to get the kids in and bathed and fed and start our nightly routine. Fun times. :)

Peace

What do people blog about?

2011-09-13T18:02:00.000-07:00

I keep saying I'm going to get back into blogging...

And then I don't.

But I really, really want to...

But I don't.

There are several reasons, I guess. It's been so long since I *really* blogged that I doubt anyone actually reads this anymore. And what do I do, just pick up like I've never been gone? And WHAT ON EARTH DO I TALK ABOUT?

I mean, seriously, I'm a stay at home mom who sleeps til about 2 p.m. then picks her kids up from school and starts her day. Other than the fact that they're cute, is anyone actually interested? I mean, I could probably keep you entertained with the stuff that does come out of their mouths, but really... I feel like I'm stuck. I started this blog to make a difference, to tell my story. And I've done that. Now I'm at this really, really good place in life, and I almost feel like I have nothing to say. It's all so normal.

But... The fact of the matter is that no matter what state of mind I am in, I was still abused, and I still have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and I'm still Bipolar. And I guess now I'm in more of a position to be helpful, now that my head is clear, I guess. And I still love God, and I think I'm closer to him than ever before. And I LOVE to write. I absolutely love to. And sometimes I even convince myself that I'm actually good at it. But I don't do it enough.

So... What do I write about? Does it have to be the same stuff every day? Cute pictures of my kids and a run down of what we didn't do today? (yes, I'm being sarcastic... good catch) Or random posts about the harder parts of my life? Or about God? Or about all of these things? Or none of these things? I really, really want to get back to writing in some capacity, and I feel like I've kinda left this blog hanging and I really want to get back to it... so... if you're actually reading this, please say hi, just so I'll know.

I'll stop making your eyes bleed, now. Love to all

Kindergarten at the Jedi Academy.

2011-08-30T19:57:00.001-07:00

School has finally started in this neck of the woods, with Ali starting last Thursday and Dylan this Monday. My baby boy is in Kindergarten, and it's so amazing. I love to watch him light up, to grow and blossom almost over night. He is so happy, and that makes this mommy very happy. Here are some photos, because we all know you wanna see ;)

If you take a good look you will see that the young padawan is proudly flying his jedi colors, and even reaches out to some super heroes to help him conquer the day. Even the green lantern is hiding in his lunchbox as back up:)

Ali stuck with the ever popular Victorious themed back to school gear jumping on the I'masevenyearoldpreteenwithanattitude train. Yep. Fun times, folks. Fun times. Thankfully school is in full gear and we are back into a routine and I AM FINALLY FREE!

Bi. Polar.

2011-08-20T18:49:00.001-07:00

Bipolar disorder sucks. That's really all I have right now. So yeah. It sucks. End of line.

Work. Out.

2011-08-19T14:36:00.001-07:00

Today, I'm surprised I can walk. Muscles I didn't know I have hurt. Last night I took the kids back to the fountain and somehow I wound up in the fountain soaking wet, fully dressed. So much fun. There was a concert going on so we got to listen to some music while we played. My nephew came with us, and the four of us played a game of soccer... For about an hour. Holy. Cow.

This afternoon we went to the pool and played volleyball and swam 20 laps (dont get exited, that's about ten minutes of straight swimming). And because that wasnt enough, we did some strength exercises. And because *that* wasn't enough we came home and played more soccer and volleyball in the yard.

And now they want to go back to the fountain. I'm going to die, but at least i'll die in shape!

Now enjoy some awful pictures of my babies and I just after we played soccer. And my shoes, oh my poor shoes :)

Fickle people

2011-08-18T13:57:00.001-07:00

We are fickle ones, that's for sure. We've moved on from the park to... Well, just have a look.

Maybe i'll start blogging again

2011-08-18T13:01:00.001-07:00

I'm sitting at the park with with my kiddos. It's 90 degrees (which honestly feels like Heaven) and they are climbing down into the dry creek bed, and back out again and again and again. It's quiet here, and everything is so green. It's a magical place, our park, filled with hope and peace, fairies and gnomes. I have always loved it here, I think I always will. So for today here's a picture or two of my current favorite place, and also my very dirty, very silly children.

Love Something Chronic

2011-08-14T13:29:00.001-07:00

So I'm not sure if anyone else has noticed, but the internet had been dead this weekend. I think I've read five new twitter updates all weekend. Crazy. So just in case you missed the last post, I'm re-posting the link to Love Something Chronic's blog. We're collecting school supplies to take to the shelters to make sure that every kid there has the supplies they need to succeed in this new school year. Walmart has a fantastic deal right now. They are bundling school supplies together online for pretty good prices. The link to that is on LSC's blog, so if you are interested in helping either in your area or ours, let us know and we will be glad to get you any information you need. Also, if you can, please pass this on, whether on twitter or facebook or even your own blog, so others can have the opportunity to help. Thanks so much!
Court

Back to School the lovesomethingchronic way :)

2011-08-13T15:20:00.000-07:00

It's back to school time and over at Love Something Chronic we are working to provide kids with all the supplies they'll need to succeed. Click here to find out how, and if you want, pass this on. Even if you can't help, maybe someone who reads *your* blog, or follows you on facebook or twitter, can. It's amazing the amount of people we can reach, even if only 3 of you share this elsewhere! Thanks for the support and love!
Court

Church

2011-08-07T21:24:00.000-07:00

I've been away. Things have changed, we've moved, I've sprained my ankle pretty badly, my baby starts Kindergarten in 3 weeks, etc, you're caught up ;)

That is not why I'm here.

Lately God and I have been having some serious heart to hearts. Okay I've been running my mouth and I'm sure he's been shaking his head at me and wondering if indeed I will ever learn to shut up and listen. And I think, perhaps, that I'm getting there.

For a little while I was in a bit of a dry spell. That place in your Christianity where you become lukewarm. You still go to church, you give, you're a great 'Christian'. You just kinda leave God out of it. If that statement made any sense to you, then you've been there. Welcome to being human.

A few weeks ago we moved, and I was determined to make a fresh start in our new place. To start new habits, make new routines, grow closer to God. To find my place with him, find where I'm supposed to be. I decided to read through the Bible. I've done it a couple of times, but I decided I'd start all over. I made it through Exodus and realized that it just wasn't what I needed. So I moved to Luke. Ah... Luke.

I got through three words and realized that although I've read through Luke about 473.4 times, I knew next to nothing about it. I mean, I've gone to church my entire life, nearly 28 years now, and I know the names. I know the Gospel and I know salvation and love. But the historical aspect, I had no clue. Enter my fantabulous smart phone. I've been jumping from You Version, to Wikipedia, to Bing like it's nobody's business, and it's turned out to be an AMAZING way to study. By the time I hit chapter 2, I had learned so many things I never knew. That's the difference between reading your Bible, and studying it. And that is NOT what I'm here to blog about :)

I'm here to talk about church. The church is filled with people. People are not perfect. Therefore church is NOT ever going to be perfect. Just like we are never going to be perfect. And sometimes, that can be frustrating. There are times that things just aren't going to go the way you feel they should be going. And there are times that you perhaps will want to give up. You may feel discouraged, feeling as though your entire spiritual life is being affected by the goings on at church. I mean, really, I've spent my entire life thinking my spiritual life centered around church. I mean, after all, the church is the body of Christ. Going to 'church' is where we go to worship the Almighty. And he is the center of our spiritual life, ergo, church is the center of our spiritual life. And again, church is not perfect, because it is made of imperfect people. And that, my friends, can be frustrating.

However, in the last few weeks as I've been digging deeper and learning more, I've figured something out. 'Church' is only 4 hours a week, folks. 4 hours. And while those 4 hours are very important hours, if we only spent 4 hours focusing on work, we'd get fired. If we only spent 4 hours a week studying for school, we'd most likely fail. So what in the world makes us (me) think that 4 hours is going to be the center of and fulfillment of our (my) spiritual life. Surely I was insane.

I don't want to be frustrated any more. I don't want to feel discouraged because sometimes things aren't going to go the way I think they should be going. I am in no way implying that I'm pouting because I don't agree with what is being taught straight from the Bible because it's 'stepping on my toes' and I just want to hear the sunshine and roses. I'm more talking about politics, and issues that we sometimes nitpick on that just aren't doctrinal or 'essential to our salvation', but merely the opinion of a few slapped onto everyone else as gospel. And now I'm ranting. Again, not my intention.

I have learned (I can't believe it took me 28 years) that while church (the body of Christ coming together to worship) is so very important, that we are commanded to and should very much desire to worship our Lord on the first day of the week, it is NOT, can NOT be the center of our walk with God. There are 164 other hours in the week, and *those* hours should be spent with God, too. In everything we do, in all the time we have, we should be learning more, praising more, thanking more, teaching our children more about our amazing, LOVING, merciful God, our Savior. The reason we live, and the reason we are not afraid to die.

I want to know the Lord, and from now on, those other 164 hours will not go wasted. I will no longer rely on someone else for my salvation. I will always serve, always worship, always obey, whether I am in 'church', or not.

I'm alive :D

2011-06-12T20:57:00.000-07:00

So, I've not blogged in forever. Okay, not literally forever, but, you know. Partly that was because my old computer was sucktastic, and partly because my life is in one word, insanity. But here I am to say I'm alive, and also to get something down on record. I feel like if I write it out, I'll be more inclined to stick to it, though we all know that isn't necessarily true.

I went to the cardiologist on Friday. It had been like 6 months since I've been, and overall it was a great check-up. My meds are working fantastically, and she's pleased enough with my progress that unless something else comes up, I don't have to go back for a year. Yay me! However, I got on the scale while I was there. I think it's funny, because she was pleased with me because since she's been seeing me over the last year or so, I've lost about 5 or 10 lbs. But... what I weighed on friday is 5 or 6 lbs more than I weighed about 3 or 4 months ago, so it made me sad.

Now, for the first time in my life, since my medication is controlling my heart so well, I've been able to exercise comfortably. I mean, as comfortably as exercising can be. Well, at least I've not nearly passed out recently, so we're good. Anyhow. I bought new shoes, and for a little while I convinced myself that I was going to start running. And I did run, for like, 3 days. Ha. But I learned in that experience that I actually *can* run. Pretty awesome, huh? But, alas, depression took me over, and I didn't. Run.

So today I came home from church and was going to take a shower, but I looked in the mirror and thought... ew. Just ew. So... I exercised. I started small and just did two reps of different strength exercises like squats, chair dips, push-ups, crunches, etc. My muscles are NOT happy with me, yet I feel good. So good. The chair dips are killer, but I know that in the end I'll be glad of it. I was always athletic as a kid/teenager but after I had kids, it kinda all went down hill. But now, as I'm slowly approaching 30 (omg that just looks so wrong, btw, I still have 2 years) I want to get back into shape. I'm tired of being jiggly in all the wrong places. I'm tired of being unhappy with how I look, of being uncomfortable in my skin.

It's funny that I'm writing this at all, because since I had Dylan, I've lost 80 lbs, and I've kept it off. I've been within 10 lbs of this weight for about 3 or 4 years now. But I'm just not happy with it anymore. I know I can get in better shape. I really don't care about the weight anymore, but more about toning up and getting healthier. I've also started eating a little more healthy. I've been eating more fruit, and drinking milk everyday. I've also been eating yogurt, which I've never been able to do in my life. The texture has always made me sick, and milk isn't my favorite either. But my bestie (yes, I know I sound 12) has been after me to get more calcium, since I am reaching that age where women start to lose bone mass (oh please shut up about being 30 :) ). It feels good to be doing something, and hopefully this time I can stick to it. Soon I'll start running again, and perhaps some day I'll be in a size 8, which I've never been since being over the age of 15. Okay, and now I'm done rambling, and maybe tomorrow I'll post a 'before' picture. Here's to not jiggling when you run :)

My Dragonfly

2011-04-28T09:42:00.000-07:00

So, this girl will be here in about 36 hours :)

And I can not say how excited I am !

And, Really, I should probably be up cleaning this house so that she doesn't have to deal with the disgusting-ness of my two hooligans, but I know that even if I don't get up and do another thing, she won't care a bit. Sisters never do <3

My Tia, my sweet dragonfly, get your butt down here now!

hehe :)

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2011-04-09T21:36:00.001-07:00

My baby

2011-04-09T15:00:00.000-07:00

The Love Something Chronic campaign is my baby. When I came up for the idea in November of 2009, I was so excited to have Jen Sparks and my bestest friend ever, Stacey, help me flesh it all out. I loved watching all of the details come together, but most of all, I loved giving. I still love giving. Most of all, I love giving hope. It's the most satisfying thing of all, to share the hope and love of Christ with other hurting and broken souls.

In the beginning I was afraid. I was afraid that no one else would care, that it wouldn't grow, that I wouldn't have the resources to do what I wanted to do, what I felt was needed. I was afraid of failure. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to make a change. We're just a few women in a world full of ugliness and hurt. What can we do? I was afraid that it just wouldn't be enough.

But this year, well this year is different. Jen introduced me to Alece over Grit & Glory, and her campaign, One Word 2011. You can read more about that here.

My word this year is fearless. And I am determined that I will live fearlessly. I will love fearlessly.

And so I am not afraid anymore. If it is just us three giving and helping and loving (though I am certain that it won't be), then the three of us will give hope to as many women as we can, one gift, one holiday, one random act of kindness at a time. To be able to focus more completely on Love Something Chronic, I (with the suggestion from Jen, of course) decided to start a site dedicated completely to spreading the word of what we're trying to do. So, hop on over to see us @ lovesomethingchronic.wordpress.com and please, please, please, if you can help, do! And spread the word to all of your friends. Use twitter, your blogs, facebook, whatever you can to get the word out there, and maybe, just maybe, we can spread a little love and a whole lotta hope to the hurting and broken women of our world.

2011-03-24T19:04:00.000-07:00

Just a quick update to let you guys know that I got the results from the ultrasound. I have several cysts on my ovaries, but they're not dangerous, apparently. Thank you for all your prayers and love <3

A call out to the night crew (and those surrounding me in love)

2011-03-22T21:43:00.000-07:00

I am highly medicated and am offering no promises that this post will make any sense at all. Today I had the formal ultrasound. There indeed is a fairly large (from what I can extrapolate) cyst on my left ovary. I do not know if it is fluid filled or a chocolate cyst, just that it's there.We knew that it was there, so it wasn't a real shocker. Then they moved to scan the right ovary and that's when things got weird. A student was doing the exam (I am all for hands on learning, bc that's how I learn, so I always say yes when they ask to try) and as she was scanning the right side the sonographer and the atmosphere in the room changed. The turned the screen away and were snapping and measuring and saying things like 'don't lose that position, put color to it, get that pic, and things like you have to get a whole picture, see, there, where it connects to t he ovary... very cryptic very tight lipped. They were cautious with me getting me up to get dressed, like, with kid gloves. None of it made any sense. They said that if I hadn't heard from the dr by tomorrow afternoon to call them before business hours ended, but that she was sure I would hear something before them.

I'll be honest, I don't know what to think or feel. I do know there is a large cyst on my left ovary and my body believes it is pregnant. I would be 8 weeks, if I were. All urine tests have been negative, but the look of alarm on their faces today makes me leery. I am assuring myself in the fact that if it were serious they would have kept me there, but if it wasn't life threatening at the moment, it can wait 24 hours. I am praying and clinging to my God that this is going to be okay. I keep saying that I don't want babies, but the very idea of an ectopic pregnancy breaks my heart, and I don't even know anything for sure. I think right now I'm here just in case. If this is a journey we're going to be walking, I want to be able to go over it, you know? I want to have it all documented. and a lot it is for the support, too. I know I've not been around a lot on facebook or here and there are several reasons and soon I wan to be able to give some of those reasons because they speak volumes to the story of my life, But for now I am petitioning you all to pray with me as I sit the next 12 or so hours waiting to hear from the doctor's office. Pray for peace for me, pray that it's something easily fixable, but all in all, that it's God's will for us in our lives. Please girls. I'm terrified. I am. And while I am sure I sound distant and unemotional, I am wracked with fear and contradictions. Please just keep our family in your prayers

No Baby

2011-03-11T13:23:00.000-08:00

I went to the doctor on Monday and they did a pregnancy test, which was negative. After an exam, the doctor could feel something on the left side of my pelvis, so they decided to do an ultrasound. They used the portable machine, and were having a hard time finding my ovary on the left side. There is definitely no baby in my uterus, and as far as they could tell, no baby in my left tube, either. However she is fairly certain that there is a sizable cyst on the left ovary, bc she was having a hard time finding it, indicating that the cyst was pulling the ovary out of position. I have to go back and have a level II ultrasound done to determine the type of cyst, and to decide what needs to be done.

The pain comes and goes, but when it comes, it is nearly debilitating. I hate it. I'm managing it pretty well, though, so I guess we'll just see what happens. I am hoping it can be resolved without surgery, and that it is indeed just a cyst and nothing else. My grandmother had ovarian cancer at a young age (not this young, but in her 40s) and we have to make sure that that isn't an issue. Usually if it is a cyst they use birth control to shrink the size of the cyst, but I've had issues with that before, so I'm not really sure what to hope for.

Right now I'm still just asking prayers that it is something simple that can be fixed with relatively no problems. Sorry it's taken me a while to update you guys, but I don't have a laptop anymore and I have to pry the desktop from my children's cold dead fingers :D Thanks for all your prayers and support. Love you guys!

All Shook Up

2011-03-02T22:14:00.000-08:00

Ever feel like you were just jarred back into reality? Well, I'm not sure that that's what this is, but it's something like that. My life is a lot like that of every other family in the world. I'm a 27 year old wife and mother of 2. We rent a house, we own 2 cars, we empty our checking account nearly every month to make ends meet. We are your average american family. Ali is in 1st grade, Dylan starts Kindergarten in the fall, and while that sounds young, when you have kids that are 5-7 you know that they aren't babies anymore. They're not anywhere near babies and really it's a completely new ball game. They're kids now, and we've finally moved on from all things toddler. They're playing ball and doing little school plays. We've reached that point in our lives we're everything is set into motion. We've found our groove. There aren't many surprises, our days are pretty much the same. We've started our life as a family of four to conquer the world in a way only our craziness can.

And then, everything gets shook up.

I'm late.

I know what you're thinking.

Yay, Courtney's gonna have a baby! (Because let's all face it now, babies excite just about everyone)

Well, lets not all get excited just yet. Actually I doubt very, very seriously that I'm pregnant, seeing as I had my tubes clipped, but the thought is right there in the back of my brain, pecking away at my sanity.

You see, my kids are 5 and almost 7. I'm done having babies. We're done with sippy cups and pull ups and accidents in the middle of Walmart and endless nights of not sleeping because they want to play (not that I sleep, anyhow, but still).

We've gone from this and this...(filthy carpet and all)

To this...

and this.

Our life just isn't... baby, anymore.

Now I don't usually keep track of my cycles, but this time I just kept expecting it to come. Last week I thought I had started (I know, you're all just fascinated by this) but I hadn't, just some spotting and massive crampage. And I waited, and waited, but nothing. Just some random cramps here and there. Then I started noticing little things... things that point to pregnancy (several symptoms that can either mean absolutely nothing and not be related at all, or they can mean I'm pregnant. Funny, how that works, huh?).

BUT I HAD MY TUBES CLIPPED!

I keep telling myself that there is no way I'm pregnant. But whether I am or I'm not isn't why I'm here. I'm here because I feel like I have to sort this out in my head. I called a friend earlier and asked her about who her OB was etc and told her what was going on and she said okay, I'm praying. And I said 'Which are you praying for" and she said "Whichever you want".

I don't know. I don't know what I want. I'm happy. I don't want to start over. I don't want to go back to sleepless nights and weight gain and all that goes with having a baby. I'm finally down to the size I was before we got married and Dylan starts school in the fall and it just feels like we've worked so long and so hard to get to this place in our lives...

And then I secretly sneak off to the bathroom with a pregnancy test hoping and praying to see that double pink line. It wasn't there, by the way. Sigh. I don't know. I don't know what to think or do. I do know that my period is about 1 week 5 days late. Ish. I'm normally pretty regular, so this is kinda throwing me off. I know that it could be stress (which is likely) or hormonal issues due to a cyst or something (which is also very likely). But in the back of my mind, there is this little birdie wishing for a baby. I really think I've lost my mind. Seriously. I think "Baby" and then I think "Dylan starts school in the fall". Sigh. Either way I know we will be happy and ultimately it's up to God and what he wants, but right now, right at this moment, I'm fighting a lot of contradictions and the slightest bit of worry.

I've had this little twinge of pain on the right side several times this evening. I have another test to take in the morning and if it's negative and I've not started in another few days or so, I'm going to make an appt, but right now I'm just worried about an ectopic. I know it's an issue because we've had one before. I was "lucky" (because you can totally call it that) and it aborted naturally and reabsorbed and I did not have to have surgery, however, it sucked. There is no other way to say it. It sucked. And that's where I am right now. I'm desperately praying that if I am pregnant that it is a healthy and viable pregnancy. That I will be healthy and so will the baby.

And now you may all have me committed to the nearest psychiatric hospital, because lets face it, I'll start my period in like 3.7 hours or something, having made this post completely pointless and yet humorous all at the same time. You're welcome :D

Anything But a Face Photo Challenge

2011-03-01T14:31:00.000-08:00

Over at iheartfaces, this weeks photo challenge is just the opposite! Anything but a face. I had to think for a minute, but then I remembered this picture! I absolutely love it, it just makes me smile. :)

Sweet, pure love!
Hop on over to iheartfaces to see other non-face photos :D

Vday

2011-02-11T12:18:00.000-08:00

Happy Friday, folks!

Friday isn't that big of a deal for me, since it's just another day, however it does mean that I don't have to get up early tomorrow so that is definitely something to look forward to! I jacked Eric's computer while he's gone to get Ali from school. My computer is currently out of order, so or now I'm living on my PSP and cell phone because the dinosaur desktop just frustrates me to no end. Anyhow

We got what I believe to be our last snow Wednesday night. We only got a dusting and it was all gone by noon, but it was nice all the same. They've been forecasting warm weather (you know, 60'sish) for the next week, so I sadly hung my coat in my closet last night, only to wake to 24 degree weather this morning. So much for spring. Not that I'm complaining! Winter is my favorite month, I just wish I'd have gone outside before I dressed Ali for school today. Sigh, oh well. She didn't complain and she just looked so cute! I'm biased though :)

Being the hip hoppin 20 somethin' that I am, we're totally planning on partying hard this fine Friday night. bwahaha. We'll be taking the kids to dinner to celebrate Valentine's Day together because Eric will have to work on Monday. Eric and I started dating 9 years ago on Vday, and got engaged 8 years ago on Vday. It's a pretty special day for us, and this year we've decided to take the kids with us to celebrate since they're such a great result of the last nine years. That and, you know, we don't have a babysitter :D Oh well.

Okay so I've rambled enough. Maybe someday I'll get back into the hang of actually having something worth reading to say. I guess I could start uploading cute pictures of my kids to go with my posts, but they're never around for me to take pics when I'm blogging, so you'll just have to tolerate my ramblings :)

Hey since it's our Vday celebration I'll post a pic of the happy couple. :) That'll work.

Randomnesssss

2011-02-07T15:07:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure about the rest of the country, but the flu is going around something awful here. And it's not just the flu. It's like the flu on crack with a homicidal mission. We have all been sick for over a week. And it has kicked our butts. In the past week we've spent countless dollars on over the counter meds, doctors visits, chest xrays, thermometers, prescriptions, etc. Its been a fun week, let me tell ya. Eric got sick first, and then it all went down hill from there. I kept telling the kids to stay away from Daddy so they didn't get sick, and it was so funny because Tuesday morning Dylan walked into our room and says 'Daddy I didn't even touch you and I'm sick!' and storms out. Later that day his fever reached nearly 106 and things got a bit hairy. Luckily we were able to control the fever with baths, several Popsicles, and a strict rotation of tylenol and motrin. Poor kid still has a cough. Eric and I are both on antibiotics to prevent pneumonia, and I'm still feeling the yuck. I'll be glad to rejoin the world of the living, that's for sure!

Other than the flu trying to murder us all, we've been doing okay. Things have been hectic with me being sick, and my house nearly swallowed me whole. Thankfully I have a fantastic husband who spent most of yesterday cleaning and trying to regain control of the situation. I managed to clean my room and bathroom, and part of the living room. He pretty much did everything else. The kids did nothing, but then hey, why start now? :)

I don't have a whole lot to say, but getting back into blogging has been on my mind a lot lately. For a while I think I quit writing because I wasn't sure anyone was really reading anymore. I don't have much interesting to say. I sit at home with my crazy kids all day, and occasionally I clean or do laundry. I lead an exciting life, let me tell you. I guess, though, that that is something to write about. My life is uneventful. Who ever would have thought that was possible? I mean, my life is eventful, but in normal my-kid-flooded-the-bathroom sort of ways. There has been a crazy lack of drama in my life and I'm so thankful for that because I'm pretty much drama'd out. For. Real.

The only other thing I really have to say today is that I miss my friends. I know you guys know who you are. The night crew. You're missed. I hate that we don't get to talk every day anymore, and I think we let too much time go in between conversations until we just don't talk anymore. So if you're reading this, I love you girls.

Shout out to my dragonfly and the chunk O' love :D

Totally not my generation.

2011-01-22T19:01:00.002-08:00

This generation is certainly a new one. The world my children live in is very different from the one I grew up in. For example, when I was 7, I was riding the neighborhood on my bike with my friends. I wouldn't dare let Ali, who is almost 7, go out without me. I can barely force myself to let them play in MY yard without me right there. We don't trust people like we used to, because lets face it, we've been given plenty of reason not to. However, this is not the difference I am speaking of. When I was 5, I remember I played outside all the time. I was learning to ride my bike, following my big brothers around. Life was simple. I knew about a few things: God, school, dirt, bikes, toys, and family. It really was that simple. Today, however, my children have proven to me that we're in a different time. Each night for the last few weeks we've been watching a movie with the kids. Tonight we decided on Alladin. When it was time to watch the movie, the conversation went something like this:

Ali (6 3/4): Dylan, go find Alladin while I hook up the VCR. (btw, my kids didn't know what a VCR was until a couple of months ago when we discovered all of my old VHS's)
Dylan (5) Ali, you know I can't read. You go find Alladin and I'll hook up the VCR.
Me: Dylan do you know how to hook up the VCR
Dylan: YES
Ali: Noooo
Dylan: Yes I do, go get the movie.

And then he proceeds to hook up the VCR. Seriously.

They both can efficiently operate a computer, cell phone, game boy/xbox/play station, and just about any other electronic device you give them. And Dylan can't even read the instructions. LOL.

Totally not my generation.

2011-01-22T19:01:00.000-08:00

5 Minute Friday

2011-01-21T23:04:00.000-08:00

Five minutes of just writing. No editing, no perfection, just writing. Go here to see more Five Minute Friday posts.

Start

I watch as you piece them together, carefully constructing the tracks to match the world you have built in your mind. I listen as you mutter to yourself "Where is your mommy, Thomas? Is it Emily? My daddy is Percy, but I'll share with you if you need". I laugh to myself as I realize that you are completely wrapped up in your own little world. You have no concept of life, really. And yet, you are the most alive person I've ever met.

You sit on the floor, pushing your trains around as though they were real engines, unaware that your world is changing. I feel a tear fall down my cheek as I realize that soon, I will have to tell you that your Grandma, whom you asked about just this morning, has passed away. It breaks my heart that when you grow up, your memories of her will be dim. You love her so dearly.

I dare not ruin your world today, as you sit peacefully playing in your mind. I can't bear it. I worry for days how you are going to handle the news, if you'll truly understand what is going on. I worry more about your sister, but your reaction intrigues me.

I look into your eyes as Daddy tells you that grandma is gone. I see the tears roll down your sisters face, and my heart aches as she crawls into my lap. But I watch your face, the smile that twinges on the edge of your lips, and smile as you say "then she is in Heaven, and when he get there I can see her and then I can touch her again". Indeed, my son.

Stop

Winter Wonderland Photo Challenge

2011-01-16T20:51:00.000-08:00

This week at i heart faces the photo challenge is all about the winter wonderland. Since we've seen more than our fair share of winter weather here (in fact about half of my yard is still a solid sheet of ice almost a week later), I have plenty of winter wonderland photos to share. I think this one is my favorite, though :)

This is my girl sucking on an ice cycle. Natures Popsicles, as she would say :)

She isn't the only cutie bundled up and playing in the snow. Hop on over to iheartfaces to check out all of the other winter wonderlands. With the winter we've been having here in the states, there should be an abundance ;)

My Word

2011-01-04T19:18:00.000-08:00

My whole life I've lived in some sort of fear.

Fear of not being approved of.

Fear of not being good enough, smart enough, pretty enough.

Fear of failure.

I wasted a lot of years of my life because of fear. I missed out on so much because I was afraid to try.

Mostly I was in fear of the truth.

I was afraid that if I faced the truth, that would make it real.

But the truth is...

I was abused.

I was afraid of what would happen if it got out. Afraid of who it would affect, and what it would change. At times I realize that those fears were legitimate. It's turned my life upside down. So even now, after I've been so open for so long, I am still afraid. It affects my decisions. I hesitate when I think someone new might find out. I hide my emotions, afraid that if I let go, I won't be able to control them at all. I fear what people might think of me, how they might judge me, or even pity me. I have literally let fear control me, my every move, for as long as I can remember.

So...

This year my word is

FEARLESS.

Best Face Photo 2010

2011-01-04T05:59:00.000-08:00

The sweet face of an angel (or so she wants you to believe :)) Hop on over to iheartfaces to see more beautiful faces of 2010

mina vackra barn

2011-01-03T12:47:00.000-08:00

My beautiful children.

og ungene elsker snø

2011-01-03T12:27:00.000-08:00

And the kids love snow.

Koska Jumala ja minä olemme taiteilijoita

2011-01-03T11:50:00.000-08:00

The Best Christmas Present Ever!

2011-01-03T11:18:00.000-08:00

Please, when viewing these photos remember that I live in what is considered to be the south. This is NOT normal.

The snow started on Christmas day about 11 pm (so technically it was still Christmas) and it snowed through about 2 am Monday morning.

Nerd.

2011-01-01T15:13:00.001-08:00

So, I'm not sure that any of you know this, but I, apparently, am a nerd. Shock, I know. (shut up, Jen, just shut up) I've spent my whole life (well, okay, the first 25 years or so of it) trying to not be a nerd. Trying to be cool, to fit in, to not stand out. I didn't wear black in high school because lets face it, if you wear black you're a devil worshiper and that's just no good for Christian girls, now is it? I didn't listen to too much rock music, and if I did, I did it in hiding. (not that rock is nerdy, but I'm going somewhere with this, I swear) I was cool. I was hip (did I really just say that? *shakes head*) . I actually got B's on exams because destroying the curve for everyone else was a bad, bad thing. I'm literally laughing at myself right now. Sheesh.

I look back now and realize that I was never cool. I was never popular. I was such a dork. I wish I could post pictures of me from middle and high school. It was... bad. However my senior year I think I got things figured out for the most part, and I was really cute (only I was lazy, so no one could tell). I just wasn't popular because, well, because I didn't like the popular people, they were mean and shallow and drug addicts. Ha. I just hung out with the pot heads instead. At least they were down to earth :D Still laughing at myself.

Annnnyhow I swear there was a point to this post. I'm just not sure what it was. ha. I think I started writing because I've spent the whole day sitting at my computer watching youtube videos and reading blogs written by some of my favorite artists, who also happen to be nerds. And tomorrow will be *squeezes eyes shut tight and hopes she can't hear everyone laughing* my DnD debut. Oh Dungeons and Dragons, how I loathe thee. I've had to come up with a character (the poor thing) and have spent countless hours trying to develop her personality and such. I won't even tell you what all that's involved because then you might tip me upside down and give me a swirly hehe :) I'd just like to say thank you to all the little people I had to step on to get here. So, thank you Begley's for destroying my image and ruining my life. I owe it all to you.

Stream of near consciousness :D

2010-12-08T20:43:00.000-08:00

It always feels like it's been forever since I've blogged, and then I look and it's really not been that long. To say the least, things have been busy and stressful. Christmas is coming, and I've not done a thing, to be honest. I've not bought anything for the kids, and the things that other people have bought for them, I've not wrapped. I know, this coming week is going to suck! But that's okay, I guess it'll give me something to keep me busy.

I've been needing to get away for a while. There has been a lot of stress, tension, and hurt going around in our family (not my little family, but you know) and I was really burning out. I was so exhausted, my sleep just wasn't restful, and I was having a hard time eating. Everything was literally just get through the day. I was so exhausted that even though I knew I needed to get away, I was dreading this weekend.

See, this weekend, Eric's mom got remarried. I was stressed out because honestly it's a 12 hour drive and Eric was... a little stressed/worried about the whole thing and we pretty much knew it would just be a disaster. (I really couldn't explain it to you if I tried) I've known we were coming since July. I put it off, and put it off, and to be honest although I knew the wedding was December 18th, I had it in my mind on December 15th that it was still a long time away. And then it was time to pack and load the kids in the car and I really just didn't want to do this. I drove most of the 12 hour trip (like, you know, 11 hours) and I was exhausted when we got to the hotel. I just wanted to crawl into bed, but to be honest, I was expecting the hotel to be, well, not so great.

I walked into the room, and it isn't a room at all. It's a suite with a full kitchen, living room, bedroom and bath. It's amazing. There's a leather couch and flatscreen TV in the living room, and the kitchen has stainless steel appliances with a full fridge and everything. I'd like to take the bathtub home with me. The bedroom is huge, and when I crawled up on the bed for the first time, I didn't want to get out. I was dreading this trip, but when we walked in I was like oh we get to spend three glorious nights here. When we went out the back door, we were right on the lake. It's flipping beautiful. The whole weekend has been stress free and full of fun and laughter. I'm so glad we came. The kids had a blast playing with their cousins, and now they have two new cousins and they are so excited. They had so much fun that we ran out of clothes for them because every time I turned around they were playing in the sand or sneaking in to the freezing cold lake. I had to wash clothes in the tub TWICE!

I'm sitting here now at the bar watching a movie while Eric sleeps. We were going to stay until morning and leave early, but we've decided to go ahead and leave tonight and drive over night so the kids can sleep and I can not listen to them fight :) I'm kind of sad to go, because it's just so fantastic here, but this morning we all woke up feeling yuck so we want to go ahead and head home because Eric has to work Tuesday and wants some time to rest. So Eric is resting and the kids are making me nuts and I'm here writing because I had nothing else to do.

And now I'm off to finish packing things up and cleaning some things up before we go. I hope you guys have a fantastic week and a very merry Christmas!

Blessings in Disguise

2010-11-16T09:52:00.001-08:00

There are times in your life when you absolutely think it can not get any worse, and that if it does, you will not survive it.

This is me laughing maniacally.

For those of you who have read my blog from the beginning, or at least for a good while, you know that I've been through a lot. I've walked through a lot of hell to get where I am, and there were times that I thought that it was the absolute worst it could possibly be. There were times I thought I was going to die, times I wanted to die. There were days I thought that if one more thing were to happen, I would collapse under the weight of it, and that would be that.

Yet, I didn't.

I've come dang close, but I've not hit that point yet.

I've kind of taken an internet hiatus. I've not blogged, I've not done a lot on facebook, and I've only been tweeting sporadically. I've spent almost the last 6 weeks entirely locked up in my house, except to go to church when I was up to it. I've spent a lot of days laying in my bed, a lot of days incapable of doing anything productive at all. I've shut out almost everyone, pissed off a lot of people, and probably destroyed some relationships in the process.

Why, you ask?

Because I'll be honest with you, when I thought it absolutely could not get any worse, it did. Ten times worse than it ever was before. And I look back at all of those times I was at my max and shake my head, wishing I was back there. I won't go into all of the details because it would take forever, and to be honest, you may not be able to wrap your head around it. It's *that* bad. But here I am. I'm standing. I'm still breathing, perhaps barely, but still breathing. And I keep asking myself when does that point actually come? When does a person hit the point where they absolutely can not take anymore and they lose their minds? Because you'd think I'd have hit it by now. I keep waiting, but it's not happening.

As much as I've suffered in the last few months, I've learned a lot. I've seen blessings that I couldn't have imagined would ever happen, because God is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think. I am humbled in this tangled mess of what seems to be hell. I'm learning that God still isn't done refining me. The fire is hot. I get stressed out about everything going on, wondering how we're going to do this. I wonder how we'll make it financially, how we'll be capable of making it through all of this. I wonder if it's a good idea to put ourselves out there again. I'm in the refining fire, but I can see glimpses of the results. And I'm stunned.

I'm learning that when you think that no one cares, that you're all alone, that no one can see you, if you take a step back and actually look around, you'll be astounded at the actual support base you have.

I'm learning that I'm a heck of a lot stronger than I ever believed myself to be, and that anger, rage, and spite are powerful motivators. I've learned that he really was still trying to control me. Trying to use every single thing he could, including his son, to get to me. I've learned that he really is a sociopath, and a decent liar. I've learned that while his efforts still affect me in some ways, I don't have to give in anymore. I can stand up to him. I can take his power away. And that's exactly what I did. I sat across the table from him and looked in his eyes and told him exactly what I thought, what I needed to say, (this was shortly after I had gone to the elders of our congregation and told them what was going on, what had happened, and that it should probably be dealt with) and then I walked out and went home, with his oldest son in my car. And it felt good. It felt good to stand up for myself, for my nephew. It felt good to take the control right out from under his feet. And to be done with it. At least for that moment.

I'm learning that God can knit the hearts of people together, no matter their race, age, or social status. That the relationships we are capable of having because of him are far more important that I'd ever known. That teenagers are wise beyond their years, and moms are still learning, and I'm learning from both. That when it comes down to the wire, sisterhood is far more important than anything else, and we'll do whatever we can to save someone we love. Someone who needs us. No matter the cost. I'm also learning that the deepest of bonds can be formed in 36 hours, and that hearts can mesh with absolutely no effort, that lives can be changed irrevocably in no time at all, and that just when you thought you couldn't possibly open up to anyone else, you do, and instead of being a twin, you're suddenly a triplet. And I love you both beyond anything I can describe.

I'm learning that God really can bring beauty from the ashes. That He truly is amazing and prayers are answered and I'm too stupid to step back and count them. But I am seeing, finally, why I've gone through so much in the last four years. Why I've faced all of this head on, and dealt with so many horrible things. I've learned that I am so very not alone in that other club that no one wants to be a part of. And there is good reason for the things I've endured.

To help others.

To protect others, to show them the way. Even though I am still in the middle of some pretty serious stuff, much more serious than anything I've faced before, I am at a place where I am capable of seeing these girls and knowing what they need. Knowing how to protect them. I am now capable of being strong for them, even when I'm weak in my eyes. In my situations. I can be strong for them, because God makes me strong.

Our family has grown exponentially since the last time I blogged. Eric and I are now the parents of a 4 year old son, a 6 year old daughter, a 13 year old nephew/son of the heart, and the big sister of a 19 year old sister. And I don't think I'd have it any other way. Our house is full, but so are our hearts.

Taking in these kids has been hard. Not so much for us, but for them. They're stuck smack in the middle of all the hate and anger and rage their parents/ parent feel. They're fighting loyalties and fears and hurts. They're dealing with their abuse, neglect, and painful pasts. But they're happy here. They're content. Their smiles are stronger, more genuine. Their capability to love, to open up, to be themselves has shot through the roof.

I've learned that when parenting, it's best to let them be who they are. Let them be kids. Let them like what they want to like, to be what they want to be. With guidance, you'll be shocked at what those grungy looking kids with the green hair and chains and chokers can accomplish. What they can be. How strongly they can love God. I've learned that they need parents, not friends. But they do need friends, too, and its best to learn where that line is. I can not tell you how much I love that my nephew wants to hang out with my friends and I, and that he and the 19 year old are getting along so well. It makes me glad to know that he can turn to us and talk, to laugh with us, feel comfortable with us, and yet be capable of accepting discipline from us, because really, that's all he ever wanted. I'm learning a lot.

I've learned that things aren't always as they seem. And for this one, I'm just going to be specific. Eric went to the clinic about 2 months back and they sent him to see a surgeon about his gallbladder. He had previously had three tests saying his gallbladder was fine, and they did another one, which also came back normal. But they decided to take it out anyhow. We were a bit nervous, but we figured once they had it out, it was one more thing we could eliminate. And you know what?

For the first time in four years... FOUR YEARS PEOPLE... my husband, my sweet sweet husband, is pain free. FREE. You heard it here first. His pain is gone. He has been blessed with an instructor position at two different universities, and things are going to start evening out here, soon. God is so good, and so amazing, and I am incapable of wrapping my head around the blessings that we have been given.

So here we are, the six of us, in this somewhat smallish house, (Stacey makes seven and mom makes eight, but they rotate when Eric isn't here) and we're happy. We have our issues, our fears, our problems, but we are so thankful to have each other that we can not see straight.

I wanted to say thank you so much for all of your prayers. For everything you given us over the last few years. Your love, your encouragement, your friendship. I couldn't have made it this far without you.

Awake and Alive - Skillet

2010-10-19T12:44:00.000-07:00

I'm at war with the world
And they try to pull me into the dark
I struggle to find my faith
As I'm slipping from your arms

It's getting harder to stay awake
And my strength is fading fast
You breathe into me at last

I'm awake, I'm alive
Now I know what I believe inside
Now it's my time
I'll do what I want 'cause this is my life

(Here, right now)
Right here, right now
Stand my ground and never back down
I know what I believe inside
I'm awake, and I'm alive

I'm at war with the world
'Cause I ain't never gonna sell my soul
I've already made up my mind
No matter what, I can't be bought or sold

When my faith is getting weak
And I feel like giving in
You breathe into me again

I'm awake, I'm alive
Now I know what I believe inside
Now it's my time
I'll do what I want 'cause this is my life

(Here, right now)
Right here, right now
Stand my ground and never back down
I know what I believe inside
I'm awake, and I'm alive

Waking up, waking up
Waking up, waking up
Waking up, waking up
Waking up, waking up in the dark

I can feel you in my sleep
In your arms, I feel you breathe into me
Forever hold this heart that I will give to you
Forever I will live for you

I'm awake, I'm alive
Now I know what I believe inside
Now it's my time
I'll do what I want 'cause this is my life

(Here, right now)
Right here, right now
Stand my ground and never back down
I know what I believe inside
I'm awake, and I'm alive

Waking up, waking up
Waking up, waking up
Waking up, waking up
Waking up, waking up

I did it.

2010-10-17T18:23:00.000-07:00

I did it. I'm too exhausted to even think, I'm not even sure how I'm typing this. But I made the change. I am so exhausted and I can't move. I'll explain later. Love to all and thank you to those of you have been praying.

But this is how I really feel.

2010-10-15T19:22:00.000-07:00

How I feel.

2010-10-15T15:57:00.000-07:00

Pick one, Pick them all, it's up to you. I would like to put out a disclaimer that a few of these songs have one or two words that aren't appropriate. If I lose readers or whatever or this, then so be it. I need to express how I feel. And this, my friends, is how I feel. I also realize that you may not be able to listen through them all, but maybe look up the lyrics. It might be worth it.

Two bad words, but the song just isn't the same without the video.

One bad word.

These next two songs will probably require lyrics because they're Finnish and sometimes hard to understand. But these two are totally appropriate.

And this, my friends, makes my day.

The End.

2010-10-14T17:55:00.000-07:00

My heart is pounding. I am literally writing this post because I am at home alone with three children and there is anger seeping out of my pores. I can not see straight. I am breathing heavily and I want to scream. I do not know that I have ever been this angry. In the last few years, I have gone through so many phases of this journey. I was so lost, consumed with depression and suicidal ideologies. I was wracked with grief and consumed with guilt.

But now, I feel no grief. I feel no sorrow or fear.

I feel only anger.

Be angry and sin not.

God, I promise I am trying.

I want to scream. I want to shatter something with a baseball bat. My head is going to explode. I do not feel like a victim today. Today, I feel like the rest of the world has lost their minds, and I am strong, and I am walking away. Today, I feel the least like a victim I've ever felt. I do not feel powerless. I know the ripples of my actions will be great. But I know that things can not continue in the path they are headed. And so, tonight, my world changes. Again. Only this time, it's my choice.

When I'm feeling antisocial....

2010-10-09T19:35:00.001-07:00

I just step back and do this...

When God is in the little things.

2010-10-07T13:04:00.000-07:00

We've all seen God move. Move in huge ways, in fact. Like when you're told you'll never have children and suddenly you're pregnant with twins. Or when you're told your 15 year old daughter will not live through the night after a car accident and now she is a junior in college. When your unbelieving husband comes up out of the baptistery. When you're 35 and you feel like you will never find someone to love and then prince charming rides in and sweeps you off your feet. God works in big ways. God is good. And that is what a lot of us are looking for. We're looking for the big things.

We pray so hard, and we wonder why God isn't answering, isn't hearing, isn't doing anything. We pray and pray and then shake our head with tears when our houses foreclose. We cry out in agony when we lose our babies, we fall into darkness when we are abused, neglected, hurt. We don't understand why in these times God didn't move in huge ways for us. Why did her baby live and mine didn't? Why are they still in their home and we're barely making it? Why did he get cured from cancer and my husband is dying? Why? We're looking for the big things, and for certain God does move in huge ways.

But sometimes he doesn't.

And it is in those times that we need to remember that God isn't just in the big things, He is in the little things too.

The rustle of the leaves as the wind blows them to the ground in the Autumn. The squeals of giggling children playing in the yard. The snow falling silently to the ground. Feeling those extra few seconds of a hug when a friend just knows you need it. Watching 4 guys (including someone you wouldn't expect) work on your car in the dark because it won't start and you need to get home from church. (Okay that was a personal one, but still :))

He's in the little extra bit of money in that pay check that you didn't expect.

He's in the kindness of the man who returns your check card when you didn't realize you dropped it.

In that card of encouragement that came in the mail signed anonymous.

He's in the sky. In the sunset, and sunrise.

He is in it all.

So today, if like me, you're wondering why God isn't moving in huge ways for you, look around and find the small ways God is moving for you. They add up. Really. And know that he hears you always when you pray. And he is always, always with you.

This Boy

2010-09-30T08:06:00.001-07:00

This boy means the world to me. For the last (nearly) 13 years of my life, he has been my son. I was 14 when he was born, and immediately he was mine. He is my sweet nephew, my first child of heart. I love him more than I can ever express.

It's been a while since I've blogged. This summer has been hell, to be perfectly honest. It's been crazy in so many ways I don't know if I can even explain them. I've had a lot of physical stuff going on with my heart and having appendicitis. Eric has been working like crazy and he's taking a class to get his national registry on top of nursing school. But that isn't the point of this post. Not at all.

I read a blog earlier today about choices. About how we choose to react to things. And for a very long time, I wasn't capable of making the right choices. I was too lost in the darkness, too consumed with grief. All I could see was me, and my past. And it was a bad time. I've fought hard the last few years to get past that. I've walked through hell, and I've come out on the other side. At least, I think I have.

Because now, I'm capable of seeing the bigger picture. I can see things that are more important than I. Things that are more important than my past, or my hurts, or any of it. And God has given Eric and I an amazing opportunity, and I'm so thankful. Thankful that we were able to see the big picture enough to not miss out on this great opportunity.

Several weeks ago (I don't even know how many, now) my brothers wife kicked him out. Now I'm not about spreading gossip because it honestly isn't any one's business (but there is a little part of my brain that would seriously enjoy the satisfaction of doing so, I digress), so we'll just move on from that. However, since she kicked him out, he moved back up here. And brought with him his oldest son.

As soon as they got here, like literally the first night, my nephew called me and asked if he could move in with us. Now I've been saying for years that I would do anything to get custody of that kid. He's had such an unstable life that he's really struggling, and he needs stability and comfort and rules and familiarity. So we're giving him that. He's moved in with us, and I couldn't be more thrilled.

I will say that being the 'mother' of a teenager all of a sudden is quite a... different experience. But we're learning as we go. It's been good for our family to do this for him. It's been a bit of a challenge for me, having to interact with my brother while getting my nephew registered for school and such, but it's a small price to pay to get the opportunity to save my nephew from a life of instability and uncertainty. And I can't wait to see where God takes us.

In all of this, I'm asking you guys to be in prayer for us. Pray that we'll be able to give him what he needs, and be able to re-instill in him the values and beliefs he was taught as a small child when he lived with my parents. Help us to teach him to lean on the Lord, and to love recklessly and give without thought of reward and to most of love and obey our Lord.

Pray for Eric and I as we embark on this new journey of 'parenthood' and for our children, that they adjust seamlessly. Pray for me as I'm still not appendix free. I'm pretty much going to be hopped up on pain killers until the 15th. That's the day I'll be having surgery (yay!). I love you guys, and I've missed ya'll. I hope you're all well and I pray you all have a wonderful day!

Week 38 ~ Smirk

2010-09-20T21:55:00.000-07:00

I was pretty excited about this week bc I heard (read) the word smirk and knew exactly what I was going to use! I took this picture of my daughter 2 falls ago. It was supposed to snow the next day, so we were out enjoying the end of fall in the afternoon, and I told her to smile and she gave me attitude. I love this picture!

Hop on over to i heart faces and check out all the other smirks this week :)

Enough

2010-09-15T18:50:00.001-07:00

There are days like today in which I wonder why God thinks I'm so strong, and why Satan thinks I'm such a threat.

I certainly do not feel like I am either.

I found out today that just after 4 short weeks, my brother and his oldest son will be moving back to the area. They will be here either tomorrow, or the day after.

I have two choices.

I can let this overtake me.

Or not.

I choose the latter.

I refuse to let this take me over again. I've been through it, and I'll be honest, I'm so tired of this same song and dance. Will it affect me? I'm sure. But I am choosing to move past this. I know it will be hard, and I know that there will be up moments and down moments. I will still struggle with the after effects of a childhood of abuse. But I am not giving in. Not this time.

I feel like my life has been such a gift (no, I swear, I'm not psychotic). I feel as though I've walked this hell and I've been through so much and I've recently really realized that I've come out on the other side of it. I've been abused and neglected. I've been addicted to drugs and alcohol. I've been promiscuous. I've hated my parents (and sometimes with good reason). I've been through a whole lot. And I've realized that that puts me in a very powerful position.

They say with great power comes great responsibility. And I agree 100%. And so here I am with this awesome responsibility to speak out. I know that my venue is small. The whole world is not reading this, I realize that. However, someone is. But then, tonight especially, I've realized that I have great influence here at home, at my church, too.

There are several teenage girls in our church, and all of them are going through different things. And they trust me. Perhaps they trust me because I never really grew up, and I fit in with them much better than I do with the adults, but whatever the reason, they trust me. And really, the teenage guys trust me, too. It is like I'm everybody's big sister, and they often say things like 'I really need to talk and you're the only one I can talk to about this'. And as it has recently turned out, all of the things they are struggling with, I've been through. I've already walked that road. And so now I realize that it's my responsibility to not only be a good example to them, but to also reach out to them, and show them that there is hope. That there is light on the other side, and that no matter what, they can get through this. They look up to me, and so I am in a position to lead these girls onto one path, or the other. I want to lead them onto the path that leads to life everlasting. And that is pretty powerful.

I am choosing now to allow that to be more powerful than any hold my childhood has on me. So Satan's just going to have to get over himself, because I've had enough.

Plunge

2010-09-14T23:33:00.000-07:00

I sit staring at a blank page, with a blank mind and just let my fingers do the writing. They fly across the keyboard and I'm not really sure of what is going to come out. I feel the need to write, and I sit here with my eyes closed and my mind blank, wondering if perhaps I should be writing in my journal instead of writing here for the world to see. Not that I have anything of consequence to say. There is a lot going on in my world, but really nothing new. It is a constant state of change, and I guess that is a good thing.

I haven't blogged in a while, at least, it feels like I haven't. I feel as though I have nothing to say. My life is so mundane, so regular, so... oh wait, that's a lie. But still, I get caught up in the every day stuff that I feel like there isn't much to write about.

I don't have any new tale to tell. Not anything that I haven't said before a hundred times. And for now, I don't particularly feel like whining about things I've whined about before. So, what is there to talk about?

Nothing, I guess. But God is good, and that is something.

And I sit here contemplating deleting this post because it's so pointless and erratic. But I figure if I post it at least ya'll will know I'm alive, at least, the 2 of you who are still reading. Maybe someday soon I can post something. Something real. Something raw. People have often told me that the appeal of my blog in the first place was that I was so real, so honest, so raw. I had a story to tell, and I told it. And I think I've forgotten why I started blogging at all. And sometimes I feel as though I'm just whining when I blog about those things. But there is a part of me, somewhere deep inside my brain pecking away at me, asking me to keep telling the story. Keep saying it. Keep sharing it. Somehow, someday, it might do someone some good. And on that day, all of the hurt and tears and 'whining' will have been worth it.

I can say that I am not the same person I was when I started this blog. I have healed so much and so much has changed, and life is forever different. I'm not in the same place I was emotionally, and I'm finally on meds to control my Bipolar Disorder, which is bloody fantastic if you ask me. But I still have a story. And maybe now that I'm more capable of handling it, it'll be easier to tell. I don't know... I know this post is erratic, but I think it's sparked something in me. I think I'll take a deep breath and plunge into the life that lead me here.

Ever Free

2010-09-03T10:52:00.001-07:00

In this world, where bad things happen, I sit among the ashes that are my life and wonder what went wrong.

Perhaps, with all of the blessings I have been given, I should be asking what went right.

I look around and see my son sitting at the table eating peanut butter and jelly in his Spiderman underwear, full of wonder and joy and excitement. Everything is still new in his four year old mind. God is still simple, life is still black and white, right and wrong. Mommy is still his security and Daddy is still his hero. I glance up again, and he is gone, off to explore some new something in his room, to build some new city, to create some new masterpiece.

I glance at the clock and count the minutes until it is time to get my daughter from school. The days are long, and still sometimes not long enough for her. I see the book she left laying on my chaise lounge, still open to the page we stopped on last night, and smile. She is so mine, so much like me.

The door to my bedroom is closed, and behind it, the man who loves me ever so is just now, at 2pm, crawling out of bed, soon to be looking for lunch. This man, who works 3 jobs and never complains, who comes home at 8 in the morning, while most are leaving for work, and still finds time to mow the lawn and sort the laundry and make masterpieces of cloth, is still my hero, too. I feel the love he has for me in his every move, and I am in awe of a God who thought I deserved to love a man such as this.

I see my very best friend, closer than any sisters could ever be, and sigh a sigh of peace and contentment, knowing that God put us in each others paths to ease pain and bring tears and laughter and change hearts and souls and the ideas of what family are, and what family can be.

I place my fingers to my wrist and feel my heart beating just a little too fast, thankful that it is still beating. Thankful that in my darkest hours I managed to hold on, to not give up, even when I wanted to. Thankful for those who refused to let go of me, even when I did want to give up. thankful for the new doctors, and new medication, and even yes, the new medical bills. Thankful to be alive, and to be blessed with modern medicine and drugs that slow my heart and stabilize my moods and ease my pain. Thankful to be alive.

Thankful to be 'broke' in the richest country on the planet. To be free to worship and free to love and free to give. Thankful to know that we really are rich, sleeping in our huge bed on our comfortable sheets in our air conditioned house. I look around and see four screens in my line of sight, 3 computer screens and one big screen television, and smile to myself when I dare think we are poor, knowing there are two more computers and 3 more televisions and 3 more beds in this modest house we call our home. We are rich, and don't even know it. That's the way it goes, I think, and sometimes you just have to slow down and look at the rest of the world and what they don't have to understand what you do have. And there is one thing that I have that so many people don't. It's that one thing that makes me want to change. Makes me want to do something. Be someone.

God.

I have this Lord, this amazing God who made me free. Free to love and preach and teach, free to screw up, free to sin, free to fall, and free to come crawling back up on the altar just one more time.

I can't count on my two hands how many Bible are in this home, but probably can count on one hand how many times they are opened a week. That bothers me. There are people in this world who can't get a Bible, can't have those precious words that I take for granted. And it makes me want to do something. Perhaps I am always wanting to do something, and never quite following through with actually doing anything of consequence.

But in my heart, I want to change the world. I want to change someones world. I want to give someone the freedom I have always known, the freedom I so freely take for granted, and I want to scream because I loathe who I am and what I do.

And yet I know, I am free in Him, and he sees me the way I want to be, though I am never good enough. And then I realize that that is enough. He is enough. His grace is sufficient, and I am ever free in His love.

I just have two questions...

2010-09-01T15:26:00.000-07:00

Who are you, and where are you from? (especially whomever you are in Norway:))

Seriously. I really would like to know who it is that's reading my words. I know a lot of you, but I also know that there are several readers that I don't know. And I would really like to. So if you don't mind, let me know.

Court

Week 35 - Photojournalism

2010-08-31T14:20:00.000-07:00

This collage almost tells it's own story.

He's a Ranger for now, but he'll always be a Daddy.

Hop on over to i heart faces to see other stories told in pictures.

Week 34 - Beach Photo Fun Challenge

2010-08-23T16:27:00.000-07:00

Since we just went on vacation to the beach last month I figured this challenge would be easy. Not so much. Turns out, I have a lot of pics with no faces, and pics of the back of my kids' heads :) Who knew? But Stacey said I should use this one because it is so classic Dylan. He's cool and he knows it. bwahahaha.

Hop on over to i heart faces and see all of the other beach bums.

2010-08-22T09:45:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like I only blog when I have something to whine about and no one to whine to. I mean obviously, there I people I *could* whine to, but I don't really want to.

I am frustrated. Tears are flowing and it makes me angry because this morning I was in such a good mood. I thought for sure the meds were kicking in and things were getting better and then wham. Blow to the head.

I know I'm in a manic cycle. I've had four hours of sleep and I woke up hyper. I realize this. However being the weird person I am, I can be depressed and manic at the same time. Or maybe I'm not depressed, I'm just crying because I'm frustrated and sad. That happens, right? I don't even know what normal emotions are anymore.

There are days when things are great and there are days when life seems like a never ending black hole and I'm sliding into it at an alarming rate and there's nothing I can do and it's all going down the drain.

I have to be in control and take care of everyone and the little girl in me wants to curl up in someone's arms and cry until I can't anymore and then sleep soundly without dreams or interruptions.

I want someone to come in and rescue me. Save me. Clean my house, do my laundry, pay my bills. You know, all those responsible things that adults do that I don't want to do. Surely this is going to get better. Surely life is going to get easier. Surely someday it's going to ease up. I know I whine a lot, but in my defense my life is like a proverbial train wreck. Something goes wrong every day and we have hospital bills coming out our ears and Ali has been complaining of chest pain, and Eric is sick and without pain meds, and I'm tired. And battling Bipolar disorder and PTSD. Welcome to the circus folks.

My words are not inspiring. I have nothing witty to say, no words of encouragement to lift the masses. All 2 of you. I just have the ability to tell you that you're not alone. I know that everyone is on their own path. There are people who are still in the depth of the darkness, lost in the hopelessness of the pain. There are those who've found their way out, finding the light, learning to be thankful and joyful in all circumstances, becoming stronger than the pain, and taking their steps, one after the other, forward. And then there are those of you who are just like me. Not quite still in the trenches, but certainly not standing at the other end of the tunnel. All I can offer you is hope. Keep going. Don't give up. Surely it Heaven will be worth it all.

Week 33 - Gotta Wear Shades Photo Challenge

2010-08-16T12:47:00.000-07:00

I love this quirky fun picture of my daughter taken at VBS! I've kinda been waiting around for a sunglasses week, just because it always stood out to me among those pictures. Hope you enjoy, and hop on over to i heart faces to see all the other cool cats.

In the lies

2010-08-14T09:39:00.000-07:00

God and I have been waging war lately, and I'm sure He's winning, as He always does, but my heart is torn to pieces.

It's in the desert places, in the dry, seemingly endless wilderness that I dwell, wrestling with my God, with my guilt, my shame. My weaknesses are strong, and many. I read this over and over and tears flow like rain down onto the pages of the book that isn't opened near often enough.

I talk with my friend, and she says something trivial and I lose my mind and anger explodes out of every pore and I want to smash the mirror or throw something through a window. I scream words that I can not control, and they astonish me even as they come out of my mouth. I am volatile and dangerous and I fear what could happen if I am not diffused soon.

I cry tears of shame and Godly sorrow, knowing that I am evil, and ugly, and that truly I do not try hard enough. I say things I shouldn't every day, things that go against my conscience, and therefore make them wrong, whether they are or not. I do things that I know I shouldn't, but I do them anyhow. Sometimes I wonder how one can be swept up into a "big" sin, and yet still call herself a Christian. There are days that I wonder if I really am. The word hypocrite should be branded into my forehead so that all the world could see who I really am. I listen to this, and sing it repeatedly throughout the day, and then turn around and do things that could ruin my life, and seriously hurt the lives of those I love so dearly.

I struggle with physical pain, and I try not to take the medicine they gave me because when I do, I crave more. The high wears off and I start to panic because when I am taking the meds, I am numb and the pain is gone, and it is classic addiction 101 and I've been through this and I know better than to go through it again, but the enemy knows my weaknesses and preys on them daily.

There are days that I allow myself to think that I was molded into this person, and that psychologically it all makes sense. All the years of my life I was abused and neglected and no wonder I am the way I am. And there are days that I allow myself to believe that I have a mental illness and that God knows that, and that He understands the struggle and has patience with me because I truly can not control it.

And there are days like today where I feel like its all just excuses and that no mental illness, not PTSD or TRS, or even bipolar disorder can change the fact that I know right from wrong. That no matter what was done to me as a child/teenager, it doesn't change the fact that I was raised to know God, to love and obey Him. I've always loved Him, even through the abuse, with a deep zeal that no one could shatter. When I was a teen I clung to Him as tightly as I could, feeling He was the only thing I had. And then I would get high or drunk, or find some guy to comfort me in all the wrong ways and it would tear me to pieces and I hated it. And so I think eventually I detached myself from that deep emotional attachment to God because I knew I could never do enough and I was tired of hurting. It was the biggest mistake I've ever made.

And so here I am, aching because I don't know God like I should, crying because I want nothing more than to be with Him, and hurting because I am the chiefest of sinners, swimming in lies and hypocrisy, and I am here to tell you today I'm done with it. I am standing up and saying enough is enough I am screaming I am done with this and I am running headlong into my God and nothing can stop me, not even myself. I will find Him. I will open the book and I will find my self control and I will teach my children and I will not allow my past to determine my eternity.

Week 32 - Surprise Photo Challenge

2010-08-10T14:22:00.000-07:00

This week I've waited until the very last minute to enter the challenge. Well, okay, not the last minute, but close. I couldn't find a picture that really worked, and then I came across this one and it just made me laugh. He looks totally surprised that he got caught doing whatever it is that he was doing. I love it!

Hop on over to i heart faces to see all of the other surprises!

Truth

2010-07-24T11:45:00.000-07:00

In the midst of the chaos there is a quiet calm that stirs in my soul. There is a peace that transcends understanding. It isn't of my own, I am incapable of such things. I've sought this peace for such a long time, and so intently, that I'm not sure I even knew what I was looking for. And then, all of a sudden, in the midst of one of the most chaotic times in my life, I have this peace.

I won't say that I don't hurt. That would be a lie. I could go on and on, literally, about all of the bad things in my life. I could tell you how horrible it is, how hard it is. And it would be truth. But not the whole truth.

I could tell you about my wonderful, amazing husband, and how strong our marriage has become. I could tell you about my beautiful, smart, strong willed children, and their innocent, pure love for God. I could tell you about my absolutely loyal-to-the-end best friend. It would be the truth. But not the whole truth.

I think it's a trap we get stuck in. We write to be validated. We write so that others will hear our story. To build community. To not feel so alone. To get our life down on paper.

There are those of us who write nothing but the bad. And I fear being one of those people. We can get caught up in pity party, trust me, I know it. And there are those of us who tint our lives with rose colored glasses. We only share the good, making it seem as though our lives are perfect, and we never struggle with depression or anger, money issues, or lack of faith. And I'll just come out and say it now. Both of those categories are lies. I struggle with writing here often because there are days that I want so badly to put it all out there, and fear being called a whiner. And there are days that I want to post pictures of my children, or our fantastic vacation, and I fear being a liar. Because truthfully, I can't seem to find the balance.

But somewhere, in the middle of it all, in between the hurt and pain, and laughter and joy. In between the unpaid bills, and giggling children, there is pure unadulterated truth. And that is what is important. That truth that never changes, that never wavers.

My God is bigger than every hurt, every fear, every betrayal. He's bigger than them all. And he loves me. And he always has. He loves me when I hurt and can't get out of bed. And he loves me when my husband and I are celebrating our life together. He loves me when I'm at my worst, and when I'm at my best. And He knows the truth of us all. He knows when we hurt, whether or not we choose to share it with our fellow man, and when we're soaring high. He knows.

And so I choose today to tell you the truth. My God is good, despite the hurt and trials and heartache of my life. My God is amazing, and has blessed me beyond measure, far beyond anything I could ever deserve. And He is with me always. He feels my hurts and he understands them. He hurt too. His earthly life was one full of pain and anguish, of abuse and betrayal. He knows humiliation. He was hanged naked on a cross in front of everyone, including his mother. He was beaten physically, and mocked. He was betrayed and deserted by his closest friends. Even his beloved friend was not there when he was on "trial". He knew loneliness, and homesickness. And he handled it all with grace.

For too many years I've tried to carry the burden of life alone. I've said that I was relying on God, but truthfully, I've tried to be strong, and tried to handle things on my own. Jesus said to take up your cross and follow him, but even He needed help with carrying His cross. Simon of Cyrene carried it for Him, and I'm sure He wouldn't mind helping us carry ours. Now, we just have to let Him. I have to let Him. I know that my God can handle it, because truthfully, he's been with me through it all, from the very beginning. Now I just have to let go of the control that I cling to so desperately, and open my heart up enough to let Him in, and to let the world see Him there.

So here's the truth. My life is wonderful, and hard. My life is beautiful, and painful. And I want you all to know it. The good, the bad, the ugly. But I also want you to know the best truth of all the truths that there are.

My God loves you, too. (And the peace floods my soul)

Crazy

2010-07-23T09:55:00.000-07:00

My life is crazy. It is literally something new every day. One thing falls apart, and another things breaks, and it's literal chaos every where you go.

And I am thankful.

I've not had a working car in almost a month. It's almost 90 degrees in my house in the day time. Our checking account balance is under $100.

And I am thankful.

I have to have my appendix out, my husband has stage 3 fibrosis on his liver, and I'm bipolar without proper meds. And for some crazy reason, I am still thankful. (Well, I'm not necessarily thankful that i don't have the meds, because if you ask my family, I could *really* use those, but, you know...)

I am thankful.

I went to look at a house this morning. It's down the street from us. It sits on a cul de sac. It's got a fenced in back yard with a pool, trampoline, and swing set. It has a two story storage shed, and a shaded front yard with a porch with a swing. The owners are offering for someone to take over the payments, with no fees. It is literally absolutely perfect for us. And we'll never qualify due to the deed in lieu of foreclosure.

And I am thankful.

For days and days I have been struggling with anger and rage. Screaming and kicking things, just letting it all out. I haven't really been taking it out on anyone, but they all have been giving me a wide berth. If I were one to curse I'd say I was the b word, but I won't go there. I've not been nice. I got so stressed out yesterday, I cleaned until I couldn't move. And then I slept. All. night. long.

I don't know the last time I slept that long. I woke up this morning feeling somewhat refreshed, and after going to see the house, and realizing that we weren't going to be able to get it, I decided I had two choices. I could either let my spirits sink and get all depressed over it, or I could simply be thankful.

As I was driving my mom to the doctor, I said a little prayer, and then I listed out loud all of the reasons to be thankful. All of the reasons it was best we stay here in our house.

First of all, we have a pretty decent landlord. And instead of raising our rent 2% after 2 years, he's actually lowering it 2%. While it is hot in our house, it appears to be something that can be easily fixed. Our floor is being fixed as we speak. And Eric has entered nursing school. If we can make it through that, things will get better. And if we take that other house now, then when he gets a job as a nurse and can afford something that we *really* want, then we'd be stuck with a house.

Today, I am just thankful for God, and for the love he has for us. I'm thankful that we have a home, and that our children or well, and that Eric and I have each other. God is so very, very good.

I need a vacation!

2010-07-19T20:18:00.001-07:00

Oh how I need a vacation. One that looks something like this.

With palm trees blowing in the wind, and waves crashing on the shore.

With little children who don't fight, and who are so tired from the day that they sleep at night!

With sunsets like these, glowing on the water.

And afternoons like this, spent laying in a lounge chair.

After the week I've had, I could totally use another vacation.

Fix it Friday - I heart faces

2010-07-16T20:31:00.000-07:00

For the first time, I've decided to try out Fix-it Friday. I just love this picture, and I've been messing around with black and white pictures all week so I thought I'd see what I could do with this one. This first picture is the original downloaded from i heart faces, and then the following are my fixes to it. Hope you enjoy :) All of the pictures were edited using picnik.com.

This one I used picnik's black and white paint feature, zoomed in on the flower, and painted over it to keep it it's original blue. I then lightened the exposure and wham. I LOVE it!

With this one I used picnik's cross process tool, and slid the toggle bar over about half way. Easy-peasy.

And for this last one I used picnik's fancy focus tool, centered the focused area on her face, and clicked save. I love picnik.

Water

2010-07-13T21:36:00.000-07:00

I stepped out onto the beach watching the waves crash into the sand. The clouds hung low in the sky, casting an eerie glow on the surface. It was like being enveloped. It made the world seem much smaller, even standing there on the shore of the vast Atlantic. It was almost comforting. I stepped into the water, still in my traveling clothes, and wondered just how far out I would have to walk before the ocean would silently swallow me whole. How quickly could I make it there? I knew if I could just get to the rip current it would sweep me away from the cares of this world. Lost in my own head, in the delusions of my mind, I took a step forward, the roar of the ocean silencing my fears.

I kept going, my eyes scanning the horizon. The birds dipped and dived, and I watched, suddenly in awe as creation swirled around me, unaware of my presence. I lost track of my thoughts, of my selfish longings to disappear. I turned in circles, taking in the colors, the smells, the sounds. Surely God was in this place, somewhere. If only I could find Him. Was he in the clouds? The waves? I watched as the world stopped. The waves still crashed, the sun was rapidly setting, but none of that mattered. In that moment, God was there with me. I could feel His embrace, the wind in my hair, His whisper on my ear. I blinked my eyes, expecting to wake up. I didn't.

I heard a giggle behind me, then a squeal, and I snapped back to reality. Just behind me in the shallow water, my children played, tossing sand, splashing in the water, still fully clothed. This new experience stretched their senses. I watched as they laughed, as they took in these new sensations, and marveled at the simplicity of their lives. I longed for their innocence, and lamented the hole in my own hardened adult heart.

I turned to go, sighing as I realized that the moment was over, and though God was not gone, the connection seemed severed. I knew that if I didn't go then, the urge to slip into the waves would come back. As I turned, I reached to my husband, curled into his chest and sighed. God really was here, and I didn't want to waste a moment of his time. I embraced the love coming off of my love, bent to kiss my children, and walked away from the water, a smile on my lips, and a slowly shrinking hole in my heart.

Car Wrecks

2010-07-13T18:17:00.000-07:00

So, I've kinda been taking a blog hiatus. Really, I've been taking a life hiatus. We spent the past week on vacation, several of those days being spent at the beach. It was truly amazing. We are home now, and life is back in full swing, or something.

For reference purposes, we got home about 5:30 Sunday morning. Yesterday afternoon at about 5:30 (that would be Monday, a mere 36 hours after returning home), Stacey, my Mother, and I were in a car accident. We were in my Dad's truck, and Stacey was driving. One of the tires lost pressure, we fish tailed, and wound up in the woods, rolling over on our side, hitting some tress, and then landing upright again. It all happened very quickly, yet I'm amazed at how much time I had to think while it was happening. Actually I didn't think much, because I curled up in a ball and threw my hands over my head, squeezing my eyes shut as tightly as I could. I figured if a tree was going to come through and impale me, I didn't want to see it coming. Yeah.

Stacey and I are fine, neither of us were injured at all, save a stick neck for me. Mom, however, wasn't so lucky. We were less than a mile away from my house. She had dropped something, and taken off her seatbelt to get it. In the few seconds it took her to get it, we wrecked. She hit the side window face first, busting it out. Her right shoulder dislocated and fractured, and her eyes are both very swollen, the left one being swollen completely shut. She has a huge bruise on her left shoulder, and her right hand is very swollen, though not broken. They let her come home from the hospital last night after they were able to successfully reduce her shoulder, and we were all very thankful that surgery wasn't required.

It has been a very stressful few days, but we are so thankful that everyone is relatively okay. I imagined when I came back to blogging I would share something profound, but the only thing I've got for you is this: always, always wear your seatbelt. It's not safe to take it off, not even for a second.

Prayers for mom's recovery are greatly appreciated. Love to you all.

Court

Prayer Request.

2010-06-30T14:51:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to stop really quickly and post this prayer request. Several months ago, I was reading through the comments on one of Angie Smith's blog posts. I almost never, ever comment on her blog, or really any of the big blogs, but I did read through them that day. I came across another comment that caught my eye, and oddly, the next day, that person commented on my blog. We introduced ourselves, and have been chatting back and forth. I was a guest blogger on her blog just a week or two ago while she was on a mission trip! She is such a sweet, sweet girl, a she loves our Lord so much. Her faith is strong, and I am inspired by her. She is 17, and is going to be a senior in high school. This coming year.

She's been having some health issues, and last night she had an MRI. She had been praying they would find something that could be easily fixed. But what they found was not at all what they had been expecting. She has a brain tumor. She doesn't have many details, but she'll have to have surgery immediately. Please, please be in prayer for this sweet girl.

Here is the link to her blog! I put together a blog button so that we can support her and share her story and her faith as she walks this new path her life has taken. Please take it and share her story with others. I'm going to give her the HTML so people can grab it from her blog as well, because this is just the best I can do with HTML :)

Ummm...

2010-06-30T10:47:00.000-07:00

It's been so long since I just sat down to blog. I think perhaps I'd forgotten why I started in the first place. In my defense (not that I have to defend myself, it is my blog, afterall), I have been busy writing elsewhere. I haven't completely stopped writing. In fact, I've been writing much more so than is normal for me. And I've really been enjoying it. But that's not all that's kept me away...

Things have been crazy here. Some good, some bad, all psycho. I'm sure some, well, most, of you know that I've had a very eventful week. I started having some pain on my left side last Thursday evening that felt a lot like a kidney stone. I was itching, too, but that didn't make any sense to anyone. Finally Monday night I went to the ER bc I couldn't take the pain anymore. Eric was surprised that I had let it go on so long, and so he urged me to go. They did a CT scan and said that while I did have a stone still in my right kidney, they didn't see anything on the left side.

Oh, and I have chronic appendicitis. Umm. yeah.

So they drugged me and sent me home with no real answers, other than I had probably recently passed a stone on the left.

When I woke up Tuesday morning, however, I had spots. I called mom and asked her why I would have hives, and she said 'it could just be the meds' and I said 'but why is it local to that one area?'. She said girl, you better hope you don't have shingles.

And I do.

They run almost from my spine to my bellybutton on the left side, and they are so very, very painful. I was previously unaware of the pain they could cause but holy moly, I'm ready for this to be over. Eric took me to an urgent care last night to get the proper meds, and such, but the pain meds are pretty much just taking the edge off.

Fun, huh?

And we're leaving for vacation on Monday. I'm really hoping this will have cleared up some by then, but for now, I am taking full advantage and laying around doing nothing.

Can you blame me?!

Anyhow, I'm alive. I've decided I'm a much better writer when I'm writing fiction, but oh well, you guys will just have to suck it up and listen to me ramble, for now :)

Send it to God Saturday

2010-06-25T18:13:00.001-07:00

I've been really slack in posting these. I really have. I've been so busy/stressed/depressed to do anything regularly. And I even have my phone set to go off every Friday evening! Slacker me :) Well, since it's been a while I'll explain all about Send it to God Saturday. Each week (or as often as I can) I'll post my prayer request for the week, and I ask that you post your prayer requests in the comments and I'll pray for you as I read through them, and I'll come back several times in the week to pray as well.

This week, I don't even know where to start. I have a lot of prayer requests. The first one is for me. I've been struggling with some things emotionally lately, but mostly I think a lot of it is just stress and my meds need adjusted. I've been having issues getting in with a psychiatrist due to insurance issues and such, so please pray that I can get in soon and get the meds that I need.

The next prayer is for Eric. Man, I can't even believe I'm typing this. As most of you know, Eric was diagnosed via biopsy with Non-alcoholic Steatohepatitis 4 summers ago, when our sweet baby Dylan was a baby. (he was sweet then, now, notsomuch) At the time he was at stage 1 fibrosis, and we were told that it may not ever get worse, and even if it did, it would be 10 or 15 years before it got to that.

Insert maniacal laugh here.

This past October (I think) he had a second biopsy to check the progression of the disease. Usually biopsies are only done every 5-7 years, so having one just over 3 years later was a bit odd, but I didn't worry too much. I don't think I even remember getting the report on that. I know we did, but I don't think it sank in. That, or Eric got it and didn't tell me everything. Either or. Well this past week he had to have a sleep study, and we just got the report his liver doctor sent to the sleep study place. Oh. My. Goodness.

The first paragraph states that he has biopsy-proven steatosis with steatohepatitis and bridging fibrosis. He has had severe NASH with progressive fibrosis on biopsy since his initial biopsy in 2006.

The first word I saw was "severe". Sigh. And then I looked up "bridging fibrosis", bc I wasn't sure what that meant. I couldn't find much, other than an explanation that read : Fibrosis is scar tissue that forms as a result of persistent inflammation in the liver. If you cut your skin, you form scar tissue which is good. However, if you inflame the liver, you can develop scar tissue or fibrosis which can be bad. If the fibrosis advances, it can start to destroy the liver. Typically fibrosis starts around the portal tract and the mildest form of fibrosis is periportal. As the fibrosis extends, it typically extends kind of like spokes from the center of a wheel. The spokes are called fibrous septae. When the fibrous spokes from one wheel meet with the fibrous spokes form another wheel, they form a bridge and we call that bridging fibrosis. This is often called stage 3 by the Knodell classification of grading liver biopsies. If the fibrosis advances beyond this, we call it cirrhosis or stage 4.

Fun. The other thing I read said something that made me want to strangle someone. It said that patients with bridging fibrosis on biopsy are much closer to end-stage liver disease than those with minimal or no fibrosis. Oh yay. :)

And to confirm, the next paragraph said that he had progressed from stage 1 to stage 3 fibrosis in 3 years. So we know for sure he is classified as stage 3. The next stage, as stated above, is cirrhosis. Sigh. I ask that you all pray hard for us, as this is progressing much more quickly than anyone ever imagined. Pray for healing, for relief from the pain, for wisdom. Thank you all so much for your support. I don't really know what else to say or what else to ask for, but thank you all for praying.

Father's Day

2010-06-21T18:54:00.000-07:00

A day (or two) late... But this guy, he deserves a post, even if it is a day late :)

Eric, even though you probably won't read this, I love you. You are an amazing man, and a wonderful father. You work so hard to provide for us. Not only financially, but spiritually, and emotionally, too. And some of that providing is for children who aren't even yours. And for that, you are my hero.

I love you more than words can express, and I am thankful for you every. single. day.

It's been a week...

2010-06-10T16:30:00.000-07:00

I am exhausted.

I don't even think I can explain to you how exhausted I am. For those of you who don't know, let me recap my week for you :)

Eric left Sunday morning for Weapons of Mass Destruction training at the Homeland Security compound somewhere in Alabama. All was going well, until yesterday morning...

At about noon I woke up to a text message. I couldn't find my phone, but something said I should get up and look for it. It was Eric. There was a message from earlier in the morning saying that he was going to the ER, not to worry. Yeah.

The newest message said that they had started an iv and given him 3 nitroglycerins, aspirin, and had done chest xrays and blood work.

Sure honey, I won't worry. Sigh.

Sometime around 4:30 Ali comes into my room and says there is a hole in the floor in the dining room. Umm... excuse me? So I go in there and in the doorway in between the dining room and laundry room there a huge dip where the floor has collapsed. Yeah. I started investigating and found out that the air conditioner was leaking. It's been leaking for a while, and my floor is rotted out and collapsed. We turned the air off and called the landlord, who felt sure that it wasn't the air conditioner, but that maybe the washer was leaking or something.

Umm, no, I'm pretty sure it's the air... Carol and I looked up under the house and we could see where the floor was sagging. Yay.

By this time it was time to leave for church, so we turned on the window unit in our bedroom and closed the door so that at least we would have somewhere cool to sleep.

Sometime while we were at church Eric said everything looked ok, but that they were keeping him overnight to be sure, and that they would do a stress test the next day. He sounded fine, so I felt okay with that.

Also sometime while we were at church a woman called my phone and left a message. Shortly after we moved into this house the ceiling in the bathroom started crumbling due to the humidity, so our landlord had someone come out and scrape it and replace it. Well, he called that same lady (who I think to be kinda like a fix it lady) to come look at the floor (basically bc he didn't believe me that it was the AC, or at least, I think he was praying it wasn't). I said that was fine, and she said she'd be here about 7 AM. Yay.

So she came this morning and immediately said that it was definitely the AC (well, you think??) and that she would have to pull up the whole floor and replace it. Oh goody. She said she would call the landlord and leave him a message to call the AC people. Okay...

Well I didn't hear from the AC people until 3, and they got here about 5 ish. Luckily it was just a clogged drain pipe and it didn't take anything to fix, but the damage was done, and the floor does have to be replaced. Luckily for us, we don't own this house. Anyhow.

So, about the time the AC guy left, Eric called and said that he had been discharged, and that they were taking him to Atlanta tonight, and that his plane left at 9 am. Things seemed to be settling down, so I headed out to have a nice quiet dinner with a friend.

*insert maniacal laugh here*

5 minutes after I left the house, I called mom to let her know that Carol was bringing Ali to come stay the night with her. She said she didn't think that was a good idea, that she had some chest pain and had to take a nitro. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!

So, I called Carol and told her to take Ali back, and I called mom back to find out what was really going on. She sounded like something was up. Something more than just a little chest pain.

I called her back and asked her what the heck was going on. She said she had some chest pain, and she was nauseous. I asked her if she was having a heart attack, she said yeah, probably.

She has only said that to me once before, and she was right that time.

I told her I'd be there in 10 minutes, turned my flashers on and drove 90ish all the way there.

I walked in, and she said I really think I'm okay, the pain went away after two nitros. Sigh.

She's the most stubborn woman on the planet. So, I brought her home to my house under the stipulation that if she has any more pain at all I get to call an ambulance.

I'm exhausted. So much so that I just tried to carry on a conversation with Eric, and couldn't. I can't think. I can't see. Blech. I'm sure none of this makes any sense, but whatever. Now you know. It's been a week.

Prayer Request

2010-06-09T09:52:00.001-07:00

So, Eric is in Alabama for the week. I'm really not even sure where. But he just texted me and said he's been taken to the ER. He was in a class and started to get very dizzy/nauseous and had tightness in his jaw along with a cold sweat. He's in the ER, he's had 3 nitroglycerins, an aspirin, chest x-rays, blood work, IV, and he's on oxygen via nasal canula.

Please be in prayer for him, that all of his test results are normal and that everything is okay. Pray for me as I'm 8-ish hours away from him, and receiving all of this information via text message. Pray for peace for us both, and wisdom for the doctors and nurses.

On a happier note, he told me not to worry, that he wasn't alone. Someone from Homeland Security is with him. Yeah, honey, that makes me feel better :)

Love to all.

Court

Week 23: Play Photo Challenge

2010-06-07T20:57:00.000-07:00

This week over at i heart faces the photo challenge is all about playing! I will be honest, I was so excited about this week. Until I started looking through pictures. I went through every picture on this computer and my hard drive. 3 times. And I still couldn't find one that really struck me. I saw this one early on and I liked it, but I thought surely there would be something better. And surely I was wrong :)
Finally came across it again and decided to go for it. This is my son, two years ago, playing by the pool at the apartments we used to live in.

For more fun, hop on over to iheartfaces and see everyone else at play!